The Sober Experience

We finished a Fourth Step together—and learned why gentleness beats control

• Jay Luis

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A viral halftime rumor, a sweltering shop, and a garlic-dusted pile of fries aren’t supposed to lead into one of the most honest Step Four shares you’ll hear—yet that’s exactly where we go. We start light, then drop into the real work: showing up for family without controlling them, letting a burger stand in for surrender, and choosing connection over preferences when love asks for presence more than opinions.

From there we open the book and get specific. Sexual inventory isn’t spectacle here; it’s a mirror for motives, boundaries, and the stories we tell ourselves to justify gray areas. We talk about confusing performance with worth, the fear that shuts down intimacy, and the decision to be the kind of partner who tells the truth even when no one is checking. Then we trace the harder lines—how tough love can become a cudgel, how being “right” can do harm, and why injecting a Higher Power between impulse and reaction is the only way to trade dominance for dignity. Parenting, work, and marriage all become practice fields where accountability meets compassion.

We don’t stop at defects. Assets matter: listening that isn’t just silence, reliability that steadies teams and families, patience that makes room for other people’s process. On the business side, we unpack why people-first leadership outperforms ego, how “you earned it” replaces “I gave it,” and what it takes to build a culture where character is non-negotiable. Goals get real—a three-year plan for more freedom and deeper partnership—and values get named: courage, honesty, respect, and faith that grows by letting old ideas die.

We close the Fourth Step, resist the urge to polish the past, and commit to carrying this clarity into Step Five and beyond. If you’re working your inventory, questioning your patterns, or just trying to become a kinder human in the middle of messy life, this conversation will meet you where you are. If it resonates, tap follow, share it with a friend who needs hope today, and leave a quick review so more people can find the show.

SPEAKER_01:

What up everybody? Welcome back. Sober experience. Don't forget to like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Hope you guys are doing well. Don't forget our YouTube page. Somebody left me a comment. And I commented. Yeah. Anyway, it's uh that record is called um Sal El Sol. S-A-L-E-E-L-S-O-L. Uh by the good brother Patchy Man. Um I guess we're celebrando that uh you know El Conejo Malo, uh Bad Bunny, is gonna be um doing a halftime show, which is cool. Which is cool. I don't care who boycotts what. But um in the uh in the in the liberal uh sphere, hold on, let me shut this off. Dog, it's mad hot in my shop right now. It's crazy. Shirt off. Calm yourselves. Anyway, um I saw this like, you know, one of those um stupid, very false things that people like to post to just like, you know, rile other folks up. And it said, um, and it was one of my homies that, you know, I like this girl, she's cool. We went to school together. And it said something like, you know, all these country singers or something said no to the Super Bowl because allegedly Trump or somebody wanted a uh like a moment of silence or something for I don't know, the the guy that got killed. I keep forgetting his name, Charlie Kirk. And like, I was like, dude, that could not even be possible. I said, and they listed all these country singers, you know, and that they were refusing to play the halftime show because of that. And I'm like, bro, fucking Jay-Z is in charge of the halftime show. He's not picking country singers, Bo? You crazy? This shit has been rap music forever since he got that gig. It's been rap music and that's it. Except for the one thing with like J-Lo and Shakira. And uh, I'm happy they did that little um documentary so you can see how much of a piece of shit J-Lo is, you know? Yeah, she's like, ugh, ugh, ugh. Anyway, so that's good news. The other good news today. Um, last week or a week ago, my mom and my dad like invited me to go to the doctor with my dad, first time ever, that they were like, please, would you mind coming? And I'm like, motherfucker, yeah. You know, it made me feel good. I was like, okay. But then it's also it's like one of those things where like, you know, you're almost waiting for your whole, you're waiting for your moment to sh show up and show out. And the truth is, like, nah, I just had to just show up today and just be quiet. And they don't need my input. They need my support. And maybe I ask one or two questions, and and it ended up just being me and my dad by ourselves, you know. He had to get like a uh an x-ray on his knee. He's got like 75-year-old knees, you know. So one of them's gonna need a swap. And um, yeah, but I surrendered like I was in there listening to an old man, you know, be an old man at the doctor. It's uh, yeah, it's a it's crazy, you know. But you know, I I I did well. And then on top, I just basically I surrendered myself to the day. I'm like, dude, whatever this guy wants to do, we're gonna do, you know? And it but there was points of aggravation, but you know, I didn't succumb to them. And even he's like, he's like, I want to buy you a but we're gonna get a burger when we're done. We'll get a burger and some fries, and like I'm like, dude, I don't eat that shit in my mind. I'm like, bro, that shit sounds like fucking, you know, but I was like, all right. I was like, all right, all right. I I'll eat the burger, I'll eat the fries, whatever, man. It's it's cool. And just to like really let myself go. And it felt good. I mean, the burger's still sitting in my stomach. As I'm sipping on the water. Yeah. And it was good. I allowed, like maybe, I don't know, maybe he wanted to be a dad and buy his kid a burger and a and a coke and some fries. And who the freak am I to like, or what spiritual principle is it that I would be following that would not allow him to do that? You know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, I can't wait for the time where I could tell him, no, I only eat steak and eggs and salad, and it's gotta be grass-fed. And I was like, yo, bro, it's whatever. These are this is a place you like, cool. We order from there. You know? Liberty Burger. I gotta, I ain't gonna lie, it was pretty good. You know, the the fries came with like a dusting of fresh garlic, which was friggin' awesome. And a little bit of spices. It was dope. Yeah, I enjoyed myself. You know, I'm sure I'll poop it all out later on, or whatever. Anyway, so that was my day. That was my day. I got to be of service, you know. Uh I got good guys working for me. Everybody pulled their weight. We got busy weeks coming along. Holiday seasons are coming. We'll see how that's gonna unfold, you know, and um and that's that, man. You know, I'm really uh I'm really turning a corner in a lot of things. Shout out to my boy Anthony, celebrated four years back of sobriety yesterday at Greenwood. It was fantastic. And there was an old guy, Mike, I think, who also celebrated. My boy Jimmy was um one of the speakers who I I thoroughly enjoyed uh deeply. Yeah, that guy's like uh he should, I think he's either training or he should be training to become like one of those circuit speakers. You guys are my circuit, you know. I do that anyway. So that's where we're at with it. Um yeah, okay, so what's on the agenda? Busting out again the step work that we were doing before my friggin' shabbatical, and uh, we were in the middle or towards the end of the fourth step, you know, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. You know what I mean? So I'm gonna. It's hard because I marked up this book everywhere. Um yeah, and I don't know if I did the sexual inventory. I don't know if I did that. It's tough. But I'm looking at where my yeah, relationships, this kind of thing. I guess we'll start there and then we'll finish out the rest of the chapter. And I'll disclose things in a general way as to not um disrespect um my current uh situation, you know. So here we go. Sex. This is a very uncomfortable area for most of us. In fact, we may be tempted to stop here thinking, okay, this has gone far enough. There is no way I'm cataloging my sexual behavior. But we have to get over such unwillingness quickly. Thinking about the reason why we need to do this should help. As it says in It Works, How and Why, it's a different book. We want to be at peace with our own sexuality. That's why we need to include our sexual beliefs and behaviors in our inventories. It is important to remind ourselves at this point that we are not taking inventory to compare ourselves with what we think is quote unquote normal for others, but only to identify our own values, principles, and morals. I'm already shaken. All right, here we go. Uh how was my sexual behavior based in selfishness? Oof. Yeah. I don't know. It was selfish in in this way that maybe I don't know. Maybe I I thought that if I was a good partner, then somebody would ignore all of my other deficiencies. And my immature brain used to believe that a long time ago. Yeah. So maybe I felt like maybe I behaved like I cared, but it was really just so um, you know, so I could get my own way in maybe some other area. I don't know. It doesn't really sound like it makes sense, but it makes sense to me. Like, you know what I'm saying? Because I knew that most of my life I was like a dirt ball. But maybe in my feeble brain, I thought that, oh, well, if women thought, well, at least maybe he's, you know, half a good lay in the sack, you know, he's worth something. You know? And that's just uh I mean it's very immature, uh inexperienced uh thinking and behavior. You know. But yeah, so there's that. Okay, have I confused sex with love? What are the results of acting on this confusion? Uh nope. That I never did. Um have I used uh sex to try and avoid loneliness or fill a spiritual void? Uh no. Maybe not on purpose. I mean I did uh abstain. I took like a six-month hiatus once. But I don't know. I always I always uh had something around, you know, for the most part of my uh life. That's just the way that I was. I didn't like to be alone. So yeah, I guess to avoid loneliness, that's true. Fill a spiritual void, I'm not sure. You know? I'm not sure. Alright, hang tight for a second. Hold on one second. Oh my god. Okay, sorry about that. We're back. That was like uh a text that I needed to address. Okay. Um loneliness. Yeah, I guess that was it. In what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex? Ooh, compulsively seek. I didn't really have that compulsion. You know, I just didn't. Yeah. Avoid? Never. Never. You know? No, no, no. But um, yeah, yeah, that's it, really. I never that doesn't really apply to me. Uh have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed and guilty? What were they and what did I and why did I feel that way? Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there's some stuff where you know you think you want to try something, and um yeah, when you're done trying it, you're like, oh, that shit was fucking whack. You know? Yeah, like that was whack. Like I shouldn't have did that, you know. There was only we really one time where I thought that I compromised uh myself, you know, and um and that was it. And uh so that but that was only once. But the other times, like, you know, is this, you know, you're a young person and you're like figuring stuff out, and you're like, maybe I like this, or maybe they were like this, or maybe we talk about this, and you know, maybe we don't talk about this. I don't know. You know, why did I feel that way? I don't know why I felt that way. But I just know that, like, all right, I'm not gonna do that anymore, because it just doesn't make me feel good about myself, regardless of what the other person may want to feel like. Like, I don't feel good behaving like that. So if that's what you want to do, that's whatever, you know? And I've definitely said no, all right, that I'm not gonna do. I that that I've definitely done. You know what I'm saying? So, um, yeah, so there's that. Okay. Uh let's see. Have my sexual practices hurt myself or others? Uh yeah. Yeah. You know? It's like there's no what's the saying? There's no right way to do the wrong thing. So technically, you may try to, you know, I'm in a much different space with my the the love of my life and my heart and everything now that it's hard, it's not hard to relive these things because they're so far removed from where I am, but it's hard to like try to think, what the hell was I thinking? I know I was just behaving selfishly most of my life, where like, okay, if I'm dating somebody and we're technically not like quote unquote together, it doesn't mean that they don't like me. And it doesn't mean that I have the freedom to do what I want. Because like she's not my girl, I'm not her man, or whatever. Like, you know, what's wrong is wrong. Like if somebody basically I had to learn that if somebody likes me more than I like them, I need to leave them alone, actually. Not like set these boundaries. Well, right now we're just talking, or we're just seeing each other, or we're just seeing what's going on. I remember my my old sponsor, Free Willy. Like, he told me, he's like, bro, he says everything changes. You could date as many women as you want. That's your prerogative. You want to date three at a time, you put whatever. But like, you start sleeping with more than one woman at a time, that's fucking like, I guess if that's who you want to be, okay. But you know, that ain't really it. You know what I'm saying? Especially if one of them likes you. You know, it's a gray area. It's not, you know, because you're not gonna sit down with a woman be like, listen, just so you know, I'm also doing this other stuff. And maybe she won't tell you either, but it doesn't matter who she is, it matters who you are. That's what I had to learn. It matters who I am. Who do I want to be? You know? Do I want to be a story that somebody else says that, like, yeah, I really like this guy? And, you know, we hooked up a couple of times, and you know, but he just, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't, not that I couldn't get him to commit or whatever. Like, I'll be the fucking villain. And listen, a lot of these women, none of them are damsels in distress, but at the same time, there has to be some integrity in uh in the way that I'm trying to behave. And, you know, and that's it's just something that I had to learn. You know, but I've been with my wife a long time. So there's that. And, you know, it's just been me and her. That's it. Let me see. Am I uncomfortable with my sexuality? If not, why not? I am definitely not uncomfortable with my sexuality. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable having conversations with my own spouse about sex. Like she makes fun of me. She's like, as soon as I bring something up about this or about something sexual, like, bro, I go into fucking panic mode. You know, I go into full panic mode because I'm scared. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm scared that like you say the wrong thing during one of those none of those, in my experience, none of those conversations ever come out really fruitful. You say the wrong thing to a fucking Puerto Rican woman from the South Bronx, bro. She'd be like, what, you like that? Or whatever. This is the fear. What you like that how many of these bitches did that with you? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It turns into all of that. They're like, I don't have space for that. You know? It just pours water. So, but I have to learn how to be more open about that kind of stuff because it's actually starting to annoy her a little bit. Because my wife is actually a fucking grown-up. Where the last thing I want to hear or even think about is somebody else with their hands on my woman. So that's another reason why I avoid those conversations. I don't want to think about that, and I don't want to think about her enjoying any of that. You know? So it's just better to just kind of find another way to disarm the bomb for me. Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships? No. No. I mean, I have a again, I have a different space in my life, but even almost all my whole life, you know, until I got sober and until years of my sobriety, aside from my friends that are sober, like my sober sisters, I have, you know, five or eight of them or whatever, really, three. Every otherwise, I would never be friends with a woman ever. It's not, you know, I don't have any friends that are, yeah. It just it's not part of my personality. You know, it's just not. What does a healthy relationship mean to me? Oh my God, it means everything to me. It's what I have now, which is a lot of forgiveness. Um, meaning that, you know, not that there's all this line crossing, but a lot of um understanding that we're both evolving, that kind of stuff. And my wife allows me to be who I am. That is the most important thing. I get to be exactly who I am in front of my wife. You know, minus like the vulgarity is down 60%. And I save the rest of that for just me and the boys, because boys say stupid things because we like to say stupid things because we're stupid. You know, but they're offensive. And uh so aside from that, I get to be 100% who I am, which means I get to make my weird little noises skipping around the house. Uh you know what I'm saying? I get to eat my weird fucking vitamins and I get to be into all the things that I'm into, and there's nothing that goes on in my life that my wife doesn't know about, or that I wouldn't be that I wouldn't share with her. And uh there's yet to be anything that she wouldn't allow me to do, you know. So there's that. Okay. Okay, here we go. Next section. Uh, abuse. We must exercise extreme caution before beginning this section. In fact, we may need to postpone this section for a later time in our recovery. Should uh we should utilize all the resources at hand to make the decision about whether to begin this section now. Our own sense of whether or not we're ready to withstand the pain of uh this work will cause us, discussion with our sponsor in prayer. Perhaps our sponsor will be able to help us through this, or we may need to seek additional help. If we decide to go ahead in this section, we should be aware that working on this area of our fourth step will probably be the most painful work we'll do in recovery. Recording times when we were neglected or hurt by people who were supposed to love and protect us in certain uh is certain to cause some of the most painful feelings we will ever have to go through. It is important to do so when we are ready. However, um, as long as we keep the pain wrapped inside us a secret, it may cause us to act in ways we don't want, or it can contribute to a negative self-image or other destructive beliefs. Getting the truth out begins a process that can lead to the relief of our pain. We were not to blame, okay. Have I ever been abused by whom? What feelings did I or do I now have about it? I don't even know how to really clearly answer this question. Um not getting my own way felt like abuse when I was a kid. Now also when I was a kid, we were hit a lot, and that's the truth. Um it was a different time. Did I deserve to be hit? Likely, I was hard to love, and I was a difficult, snotty, spoiled little brat to my parents and to yeah, to mostly my parents and to other people who love me. But you know, back then you could get hit by all my my aunts and uncles, they could all hit you. It didn't matter, you know. So that kind of if you say that's abuse, okay. I, you know, I don't really have an opinion on it, to be honest with you. I also don't want to be one of these, I don't want to be in a position where like I didn't feel like I was abused or neglected in that way, because the amount of attention and the amount of love that I needed or that I need, it doesn't exist on this earth. That's how, when I'm honest with myself, that's how needy I am. Like I have this freaking volcano boiling inside of me that would sometimes tell me that I don't matter enough and I need to do something. Somebody needs to hold me, somebody needs to hug, like all this other shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I don't know. I can't have to be honest with myself. Like, listen, I was always fed, and this is just my story. I was always fed, I always had a roof over my head, I was always scared of everybody. Um my parents never really abandoned me. You know, we had a little bit of a crossfire when my son was born, and that was uh, you know, that was that, where like they didn't really have anything to do with him, with my son until he was about four or five, until I straightened my act out. You know, but uh if they didn't do that, who knows? I I definitely wouldn't be where I'm at, and I definitely wouldn't have had to. I made different choices because but I still made those choices. I could have made other choices than the ones I made. Like I went down a really uh crazy path as far as like trying to justify you know supporting uh a I was a you know a basically a tenth grader with a freaking baby, you know? So I you know, and in the beginning I had to, and I was an addict and an alcoholic. So I had like, you know, I had to live that kind of life in the uh gray area in order to make stuff happen. And I stayed on that path all the way until uh I cleaned up. And but that was my choice to take that path. What's the other path? I could have stayed in school, I could have done the right thing, I could have used my smarts and my, you know, I don't know the right word. I'm eloquent. Whatever that means. I could have used that to my advantage and maybe went to college. And when I was a kid, I actually I wanted to become like a plastic surgeon. So I wanted to fix people. You know, I always thought that that was cool or whatever. But John Barleycorn, aka, mad dog 2020 had other uh plants. Yeah, so I don't even it's hard to say. The perspective is like everybody could have done better. So I don't know if it's really abuse or neglect. Um yeah. That's really uh that's really all I'm willing to even really say. You know? Okay. Has being abused affected my relationships with others? How? Yeah, because I thought that that was the way to be. If I if you want to call that but just being rough and tough love is not you know, tough love is is is life is tough enough, but like to bludgeon somebody when you're right, is uh that's abusive. And I used to do that. And even uh up until maybe I don't know, a few years ago. That's that was part of my uh part of my personality was to be that way. You know, I couldn't wait to just tell everybody what to do. Meanwhile, I didn't I wasn't in a position to tell anybody anything. You know, and I would collect people that um and I learned this yeah, I guess for my my dad was this way. He my dad collects people that can be dependent on him in some way so that way he can abuse them. And I and in some ways of my life I did that. And it's uh fucking whack. You know? It's whack to talk down to somebody you love. It's even it's even more whack to think down about somebody you love. It's been a long time since I've been like that. But I'm thinking about that now and it fills me with uh shame. And um yeah, no, guilt guilt guilt and shame. Definitely remorse. You know, I could always be better. And I just live for that. Especially with my wife. I just live for her. You know, I already have everything. I have God. I have peace. I have you guys. My wife has more than me. But it's like I can't wait till be closer to her. And that's what I try and do. And I can only do that by becoming a better human. And which means sometimes I have to remember where I fucking came from. Some of the times that I talk down to her. She didn't take it lightly. Trust me when I tell you. Yeah. She's no pushover. I promise. She's quiet. But oof, brother. She don't let nobody push her around. You know, she doesn't. Yeah, it's the best. You know, okay. Have I felt victimized for much of my life uh because of being abused in childhood? What steps can I take uh to be restored to my spiritual wholeness? Can my higher power help and how? Okay, what's the first? If I felt victimized of being abused in my child, what steps can I take to be restored to spiritual wholeness? The steps I could take is recognizing my patterns that I've been replicating that. Uh, you know, yeah. That I've been rep that I was replicating that in areas of my life, whether it's a little bit with my kid, with other people, with people who worked for me, people who loved me, with my parents, you know, when you get to, you know, it's like the best and worst day of your life when you realize that yo, you can beat up your dad. You know, you can't wait for that day when you're a kid. It's like I just can't wait till I can just fucking beat this motherfucker's ass, you know. Every demand, I mean, instruction from them feels like a demand. It feels like oppression, you know. And I understand why they were a little bit rough about some things, because things that I was not rough about with my two, you know, they one and they two, uh, that's part of the reason why they're, you know, playing all these away games now. But that's okay. You know, my wife actually reminded me I did something, and I was surprised. I was like, I don't remember doing that, but she said I did this, and it bothered them. And I was like, okay. Where like the the older one was supposed to pick up the little one from school and just didn't do it and went home and just, I guess, took a nap, smoked some pot, went to sleep, and the little one was stuck, you know, crying at fucking school. So I run over there, grab the little one, I come home, I take a glass of water, and I throw it on the other one. Like, bro, you left little boo at school. You fucking crazy? We ask you to do one thing. You know. Personally, I don't think that's abusive. Personally, I think leaving the kid at school so you can get high and take a nap is abusive. Especially because, like, you know, when kids are little like that, it could be probably traumatic. You know, it it it starts that that conversation in their brain that people are gonna forget about me. That I don't matter, that they're gonna leave me behind, that they love me. Meanwhile, you know, my little one, I would never say no to on this earth like for anything. You know, I have to draw some boundaries now because, you know, they're out of the house and they need to learn how to grow up. And I don't want them to, but they want to. They rang a bell, so I'm like, okay. You know, and it's sad. But it but it's like, you know, bro, otherwise I'm not doing I have to give them to God, man. And God is gonna make them who they will become, which is their greatest self. It ain't gonna be because of me. It'll be because of my uh, I wouldn't say inaction, but if I don't participate, then they'll find out what they're made of. And that's that, you know. So yeah, recognizing my own behavior as uh a somewhat mirror of some of the things that affected me negatively, um, that helped get me uh closer to God and because I needed God to change those behaviors. Like I know that they were effective. You know, some of those actions and attitudes. Sometimes yelling is effective. Guess what? Sometimes it is. You know what I'm saying? When you when when a person's brain is so little that they can't understand reasoning, then I mean I better not do this shit because I'm gonna get yelled at, is sometimes good enough to keep them out of trouble. Because they don't understand consequences, because they don't understand consequential thinking. They just know, yo, if I leave my little sister again at the school, I'm gonna get a fucking cup of water in my face when I'm sleeping. Instead of like, oh, look at it, look at you're gonna be part of a chain of trauma that this little kid is gonna feel, and who knows how they're gonna react to that. Now, it doesn't mean that you have to be so militant, diligent, whatever, but that's why we asked you to do it because you had such a small amount of things on your plate versus your mama and me. So there's that. Anyway, can my higher power help? Absolutely. How? Oh, by injecting him in between me and what I feel to be the right thing, you know, have this impulsive thing where like, no, it's gotta be this way, because you know, yeah, without allowing space for somebody to figure out 50% of it on their own. Even if that means we're because I used to have this conversation, like, oh, if I'm gonna be the one sweeping up behind you, I gotta be in control. That's, you know, is that really it? You know what I'm saying? That just makes fertile ground for resentment, anger, fear, you know, bad attitudes. Not giving them enough credit, like like whether, like let's say it's my workers, like they can't do it on their own. I gotta be behind them all the fucking time. Or especially again with my kids. You know, it's like paranoia. And not even paranoia that they're gonna get something wrong, paranoia that I'm gonna have to stop what I'm doing and fucking fix the shit that they did, even though I told them not to do that. You know? But guess what? That's what being a good human is. Like how easy is it for someone to apologize to me even without apologizing? Just acknowledging. I have to make that easy for other people. That's my goal. And I get closer to God and I get closer to them by being that person. Now I motherfucking told you to not get a basement apartment because that's where all the bugs is at. And now you gotta eat you now, you're gonna have to fucking suffer. Come on. You know? But you know, you gotta let them learn too. Bugs ain't gonna kill you. This is New York City.

SPEAKER_02:

You know?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Okay. Moving on. Where are we? Okay. It is also possible that we have physically, mentally, verbally abused others. Uh, yes. Recounting these times is bound to cause us to feel a great deal of shame. We cannot afford to let that shame become despair. It is important that we face our behavior, accept responsibility for it, and work to change it. Writing about it uh here is the first step toward doing that. Working the rest of the steps will help us make amends for what we have done to others. Have I abused anyone? Who and how? Yeah, I just gave you all these instances where, you know, I behaved in an abusive manner. What was I feeling and thinking right before I caused harm to them? I just same thing. I gotta sweep up behind you and blah, blah, blah. Or finally I get to be right, you know. Uh, do I blame my victim or make excuses for my behavior? No, not anymore. Do I trust my higher power to work in my life and provide me with what I need so I don't have to harm anyone again? Yes. That is an emphatic yes. I don't have to take from anybody for me to have what I need. I just need to be who I am. And life provides. Am I willing to live with the spirit, with the painful feelings until they're changed through working the steps? Yes. Some shit you just gotta live with. And that's just how it goes. Okay, moving on.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, man.

SPEAKER_01:

Sorry, I gotta turn these pages, Bo. Okay. That was a tough, that was a tough two fucking bang bang. All right, but we gotta finish this up. We only got a couple of more things. Okay, assets. Most of the preceding questions have been directed at helping us identify the exact nature of our wrongs. Information we'll need for the fifth step. Excuse me. It is also important that we take a look at things that we've done right and that we've had a positive impact on ourselves and others. We want to do this for a couple of reasons. First, we want to have a complete picture of ourselves from working the fourth step, uh, not a one-sided picture. Second, we want to know what character traits and behaviors we uh want more in our lives. Okay. What qualities do I have that I like? Um, I've become a good listener. I still got to work at it, but I've become a good listener, and not just somebody who's just quiet. Uh, that others like, what about me that others like? Yeah, that I that I'm a good friend, and that I'm patient. Um people have said that to me. Obviously, uh, you know, that I'm funny and I'm somewhat reliant and that I'm reliable. I've become reliable, you know, and not in a bad way. Like people can rely on me. Not like, yo, you know, I've been reliable for all the wrong reasons either. You know? Uh-huh. What qualities do I like? What do others like that work well for me? The thing that I'm still struggling with now is also just, you know, a little bit, but I've been really working on it, uh allowing things to develop more before. Like I don't have to put the whole sandwich on the table at once. I can put it a crumb at a time, you know, and give people the space to be where they are. And then just have faith that if it's if I'm meant to be here, I'll be here. If I'm not, I'm not. But with this person, place, or situation or thing. But that's just that's the thing. How have I shown concern for myself and others? Let me see, that's another question. How have I shown concern? Well, I take my health very seriously, I take the program very seriously, my emotional and mental well-being um very seriously. Um, and I do this honestly just so I could be the best human that I could be for everybody else. So it's a win-win for everybody. That is the absolute truth. You know, when I always talk about my wife, I want to be the best husband that I can be. I want to be the one of the best people she knows. You know, that treats her well, that admires her, that gives that treats her with dignity and respect, regardless of the situation, even if we're angry, dignity and respect. You know what I mean? What spiritual principles am I practicing in my life? And how's how has doing so changed my life? The spiritual principles I just wanna, you know, I'm just being free. That's it. I'm just being free. Free to do the right thing, regardless of of how I think it may come out on my end. Yeah. I don't have any boundaries between me. I'm not protecting myself. I don't wake up in the morning be like, what what oh man, what could I do to help my family today? I don't have those thoughts anymore. It's like, what can I do to just be a good person today to everybody that I come in contact with? Whether it's on the phone, on email, in person, walking past people in the street. How do I how do I show others that maybe God exists if there's somebody like me walking around? And it's genuine, and I really mean it. Because I get the benefit of being that person. It's a beautiful life. I don't ever really have to like mind my business in that way. You know? That's wild. Uh how is my faith and trust in a higher power grown? It's only grown through pain and the pain of letting go of old ideas and old behaviors, and I don't know what's on the other side, so I just make pretend that it's God, and it's always been great when I let go of old, old behaviors and old first old behaviors and then old ideas. Like I can do a new behavior and still have an old idea, and then eventually that idea will change. So that's how that goes. What is my relationship with my sponsor based on? Oof, man, Yarev. Yarev, who is my current sponsor. It's based on our love for God, for spirituality, for growth, for evolution of our emotional selves. That's literally it. How do I see a positive experience translating into other relationships? You know, I try to just only fuck with people who are on the same path as me. There are other people who are in my orbit, but they're not on the same path as me, and they just stay in my orbit. They're not in the circle because I only have limited bandwidth. You know? What goals have I accomplished? Oh, man, so many. I didn't even have a goal to become a better person. It just happened as a result of me trying to build something with my life, trying to be a good dad, whatever, but also building my business. It's a big thing. When people they don't understand, bro, they fucking people who just have a regular job, no offense to them, they don't know what it takes. Who you have to become in order to really make something happen. Not to just, oh, I have a business where people hire me to do things. No, to be able to create jobs and cash flow and economic situations for other people in a fair way, bro. You don't even know who you have to become to make that happen. Because you think it's one way that, oh, if I just do this, then they'll do this. I had a worker who worked for me, and I didn't even know how bad I was treating them because I was just paying them really well. They're making a bunch of money. And I remember it was right after like Thanksgiving. I just gave this kid like an 18, I think it was like$1,800 fucking bonus. That was like on a Friday, on a Wednesday, by the next Monday, had the nerve to sit me down in my office and tell me how much how fucking rude I've been and how bossy I've been and how nasty I've been to them and all this other stuff. And I couldn't fucking believe it. That the money that I'm like, dude, I just basically gave you like two grand. Not gave you. That's the thing in my mind at that time. I thought I gave him like, no, he earned that. You know? And that's who you have to change your outlook. And that's why in my company the employees come first. They come before me, they come before everybody. They come before the customers. Too fucking bad. I hire good people and I only work with good people. If somebody's not good, I don't care how good they are at their job, if they're not a good person, they are fucking gone. Now, everybody has their derelictions and their shortcomings, but nobody's accused any of my people of stealing from them or like, I mean, they steal from me, but they don't steal from the cost, like you know, any of this stuff. It's always been a very positive experience with them. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Moving on. Uh, do I have other goals that I'm taking action to reach? Oh, yeah. Definitely. And these are all like, you know, things, you know, our life is turning a corner. We're empty nesters, and Emily and I are making, you know, we have like basically in my mind, I'm saying this is like a three-year plan. We're gonna do this and we're gonna do this and we're gonna do this, and then our whole life is gonna be different. You know, and I'm excited for that. Because all I'm doing is trying to, you know, set everything up in a nice way, comfortably, where we just have more free time and she's comfortable. You know. What are my values? You know. Walking through fear. I guess you can call that being courageous. Everybody's scared. I'm I get scared all the time. But to walk through it, even if I'm a little bit late, and if I gotta clean up some stuff afterwards, there's nothing that I'm not really willing to face. You know? Yeah, there's that. Which ones am I committed to, living by, and how? Me being as honest as I can be. Like just being fully honest. You know? How am I showing my gratitude for my recovery? That everything in my life begins and ends with that. Without recovery, without program, I don't have God. Without God, I don't have and I I need God to help me to do everything. And I need you guys to help me to do everything. So there's that. Oh man. Last section. Secrets. Before we finish this step, we should stop and reflect. Is there anything we missed, either intentionally or not? Is there anything we think is so bad that we just can't possibly include it in our inventory? If so, we should be reassured that the fact that a multitude of uh recovery members have worked this step, and there's never uh yet been a situation in anyone's fourth step that is so unique that we had to create a new term to describe it. Keeping secrets is threatening to our recovery. As long as we are keeping a secret, we are actually building a reservation in our program. Are there any secrets I haven't written about yet? What are they? Uh no. No, I've been I answer these questions and I do all this stuff in real time. So there's nothing I'm really purposefully like keeping away. Now, there's stuff that I can't get into detail because I'm trying to share like in a general way, because people who listen to this, you know, they know what they know and they know who they know. You know, and those who know, they fucking know. You know what I'm saying? And there's that. I don't need to name names like on uh in public like this. But with my sponsor, and if I was doing this with somebody else, 100%. You know, another question we should ask ourselves now is there anything in this inventory that is either an exaggeration, whoof, or what actually happened, or something that is not true at all? Uh no. Not that I can remember from all these episodes. Most of us uh had accumulated uh war stories that were so embroidered that they may have contained only a fraction of truth. We made them up because we wanted to impress people. We didn't think we had anything to feel good about that was true, so we made up lies in an attempt to build ourselves up. But we don't have to do that anymore. We're building a true self-worth in the process of working step four. Not a false uh sorry, false self-worth based on some phony image. Now is the time to tell the truth about ourselves. Is there anything in this inventory that isn't true? Or any stories I've told over and over again that aren't true? I'm sure there's plenty in my life. Yes. I don't really tell them anymore. And I catch myself like, oh, bro, you about to lie about this thing again? And I just say a prayer and I don't do it. Or if I do it again, I'm like, oh, you just played yourself again, you know? Like a fucking, you know, we're a work in progress. Okay, moving on. Finishing the fourth step is many things, uh, and is many things. Maybe a letdown, maybe exhilarating, maybe uncomfortable. However, we feel otherwise, we should definitely feel good about what we've accomplished. The work we've done in this step will provide the foundation for the work we'll do in steps five through nine. Now is the time to contact our sponsor and make arrangements to work step five. Okay. So we just finished that. I have yet to go through uh what this book says about the fifth step. But the fifth step is basically just me reading all the stuff that I just did uh with you. So I kind of just did a fifth step with you guys, you know, over the course of the last few months. And um maybe I'll take a look at that stuff and if there's anything else that I need to address. And if not, uh we did it. And I'm going to excuse me, uh, you know, we'll go on to the sixth uh step uh next time we can start that, you know. On another note, um, you know, I hope all you guys are doing well, and I'm happy to be back, you know. I'm happy I make the time. I get scared now. It's just like, you know, should I be doing this? Should I be just running home? Should I, you know, no. I enjoy this very much. I enjoy all of you very much, and I missed you very much. So like and subscribe on all podcast platforms, the sober experience. Check us out on YouTube on our page, the sober experience. You'll see my happy mug on there. And I will see you guys on the flip side. Peace.