The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
I Used to Matter in All the Wrong Ways
Raw, unfiltered honesty cuts through every moment of this deeply personal inventory episode. As I continue working through Step Four, I confront the uncomfortable truths about my relationships, sexuality, and experiences with abuse that shaped my journey toward recovery.
The inventory begins with reflections on my past relationships, revealing how desperately I needed to matter to others—whether positively or negatively. My sponsor's piercing observation that what I called being "chameleon-like" was actually lying struck a chord that still resonates today. I had to face how I'd become exactly what I feared: someone who emotionally stomped on others just as I had been stomped on.
Most painfully, I share the realization that "I was abused. I became an abuser." This cycle, so common yet so devastating, required years of sobriety, sponsorship, and therapy to break. Even after putting down substances, these harmful patterns persisted—a reminder that recovery demands honesty about our character, not just our drinking and using.
The episode takes an unexpectedly hopeful turn when discussing my current relationship, where authentic connection has replaced the desperate validation-seeking of my past. After years of inventory work and amends-making, I've discovered what truly matters isn't being important to others, but being genuinely present with them.
For anyone struggling with similar patterns, this episode offers both recognition and hope. The shame these realizations bring doesn't have to become despair. By facing our behavior honestly and working the steps, we create the possibility of living differently—of breaking cycles rather than perpetuating them.
Have you done your own fearless moral inventory? What patterns might you need to face to find freedom? The work is painful but worth every moment of discomfort when it leads to authentic connection with yourself and others.
Hey, what's up everybody. Welcome back Sober Experience. Hope you guys are doing well. It is Sunday. Sunday what's today's date? Today is the 8th. Today's the 8th and, oddly enough, it is actually the day of the Puerto Rican Day Parade in New York City. So in honor of that, we're going to play a little bit of Willie Colon to set us off.
Speaker 1:And yeah, here we go. This one's called Edilio. It's actually like a remake of a very, of an older song. This is the one I grew up with. Here it comes, thank you All. Right, that was a good one, man, dog.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I always ask myself if there was one style of music that I could listen to forever. It might be that you know old salsa music, because it just reminds me so much of when I was a kid. That stuff would be bellowing in my home and yeah, it's just, you know good memories, you know good memories, anyway. Yeah, so what's been going on? Everybody's been okay. I've been okay, been pretty busy with work, some shuffling stuff going around. Wife is good, kids are good, and that's it. I think you know summer's finally here, dog. It's been like very. You know there's no transition. It goes from you know raining for two months to your skin fucking leaking after you walk a block in the city. Man, the humidity and the heat, it gets a little bit nuts. But what can I say? Look, hey, my son is over in texas, so he must be really suffering. He must be really suffering so. But regardless, we're here and it's June Pride Month. We're here and we're queer. So you know, shout out to all of my Rainbow Mafia people Love them too to the step work. For those of you who are just joining us, we are in the middle of step four in the step working guide in the NA workbook, even though I am somebody who goes to the AA program.
Speaker 1:So if you identify or like any of the way that I roll, it's mostly from there. You know where I get my foundation and then you know it allows me to be open-minded to a lot of other things. So there's that. So right now we're talking about relationships, and where are we? Oh, the last one I did was how do I feel about people? I went to school with bro. I could have fucking, you know, I could have went crazy on that one, but I did was how do I feel about people? I went to school with bro. I could have fucking, you know, I could have went crazy on that one, but uh, I did not. And um, yeah, it's funny because actually, you know, today I got a text from my boy, jimmy, who's at the Puerto Rican Day Parade, which I used to go to every year. I wouldn't say, let me see, I started going there when I was like maybe 11.
Speaker 1:I'll say 11. I started going with my family and that was like, if I was 11, that's like the early 90s, and it was freaking mayhem. I mean, life was mayhem back then, but it was great. Personally, I used to go with my. We used to be able to run back and forth across the parade. We used to stand by 81st street in front of the library um, that was theirs on fifth avenue, and, um, you know, everybody drinking, drinking, drinking. It was crazy, crazy, crazy.
Speaker 1:And then, as I became a teenager, I uh would go on my own or go meet my cousins and go on my own and go with my people, and in the middle of summer, on a day like today, I would be drinking like a gallon of Bacardi, bacardi Light. That's what I did. Let me see how. What's the? What's the temperature looking like today? It's 75. It's not bad, but the humidity has got to be frigging nuts over there because I know it's going to rain later, anyway. So I would drink like a gallon of Bacardi on that day with my people and then, as I got older, then you know, cocaine and Bacardi in the fucking heat, with all the women out there, which was wild. It used to be really like crazy. And then after a while it started getting more violent and more violent and there would be like nietas and latin kings this is before ms-13 and um, yeah, it was before all that stuff. You know, there's only latin kings and nieta, that was it. That was it. And um, yeah, so it was just, it was a whole. It was before all that stuff. You know, it was only Latin kings and nieta, that was it. That was it. And yeah, so it was just, it was a whole. It was a vibe. It was a vibe man.
Speaker 1:You know, shout out to my cousin Chad. We used to go all the time. We'd park the car in New Jersey and just take the take like this shuttle bus across the George Washington Bridge, hop on the train, go down, and it would just be mayhem. He would have this big Puerto Rican flag that he would tie around himself like a cape. And yeah, it was just crazy, it was a movie. It was a movie Anyway.
Speaker 1:So my boy, jimmy, who went there a few times with us, who actually is how I met Chad, he's there now with his kids and he sent me a picture. He's like yo, primo, where you at. I was like yo, dude, like I haven't been there in over 20 years since I got sober. He's like, yeah, it's not crazy anymore. There's a lot of police everywhere. He says it used to be so wild I wouldn't bring the kids. He hasn't been in at least. He said last year was the first year he'd gone in 20 years, or 25 years, whatever. So you know, it's a whole different thing now, you know, but New York was a different place, anyway.
Speaker 1:So shout out to all of them, whoever's doing whatever, wherever you know Puerto Rico is, you know all the times that I've been there, you know you get off the plane. I don't know, it just feels different. You know it feels like, wow, this is where I belong, you know, but it's not. I mean it is, but it's like oh, this is where my ancestors came from, this is where my family comes from and you go there and it's like you know, I just look like a regular white boy to them, you know, which, oddly enough, plays in your favor. Listen, I tell this story all the time. It's a joke, but it's true.
Speaker 1:When I was a kid, in order to get a hot Puerto Rican girl and you were a white boy you had to be crazy or you had to stab somebody or something. If you go to actual Puerto Rico, all the times that I had gone, in order to get a badass Puerto Rican chick, you just had to be white. They were like oh my God, how are you sir? You know what I'm saying. Yeah, it's a whole vibe, it was a whole vibe, anyway. Yeah, so just everybody party and representing. Good for you, copy, cool. Okay, here we go.
Speaker 1:Okay, continuing on in relationships. Have I ever joined any clubs or membership organizations? How do I feel about the other people in the club or the organization? Let me see Well, I'm, you know I'm in the polar bear club now. I'm in recovery rooms now. Yeah, you know, I feel okay. I feel okay about them. No, I mean, I'm happy. I have my people within the groups, that. I'm happy. I have All the friends and everything I've made over the last 20 years really have super impacted my life and it's a huge community. It's the biggest community in my life, more so than my regular family, and that's just the truth. You know, I spend more time with these people and they know me and they help me in a way where they're untethered by all their judgment and we're all that. You know that family has, like you could have cousins, you could have brothers, sisters, whatever. There's always some kind of string in between the two of you. But when you know it's just strangers and you become family, then you know, super powerful, uh, have I joined, uh, clubs with high expectations, only to quit in a short time? Let me see if I did that. No, no, I didn't really, because I didn't really have any. I don't really have any clubs or anything.
Speaker 1:Growing up I had groups of friends that I would have to leave after a while because I would overstay my welcome or I would ruin friendships. That I did a lot. Yeah, what was my part in these situations? That you know, I was completely self-centered and there were no limitations on the boundaries that I would cross Most of the time when it just came with yeah, just inappropriate behavior, unbecoming being a bad friend. That's what I was. I wasn't a good friend. I was a good person to hang out with, a good partier, whatever, but I was not a good friend. I would make pretend I'd be like one of these people where, after like a bunch of drinks, you're like yo, these are my fucking guys, this is my crew, this is this, that whatever. And bro, drugs run out or something, I don't know Whatever, somebody's girlfriend is interested, somebody's sister is interested. I never said no, that's just how I was.
Speaker 1:Anyway, moving on, have I ever been in a mental hospital or know group therapy, stuff and whatever that meant in mental institutions? Family therapy? My parents, man, that was just so broken and I was so there was nothing they could do except for to sedate me and they weren't doing that. My mom is from Puerto Rico. She ain't putting me on no medications, which is great. I'm happy they didn't, but I sedated myself. You know it was that Held against my will.
Speaker 1:Jail, not prison, but jail. I can say 10 times, I don't know, maybe 10 times I've been arrested, maybe more. I say more or less 10. 10 plus, we'll say 10 plus. It sucks, man, when you can't leave, brother. It's the worst, the worst, the worst. I don't know what's worse being in the cell or sitting at a desk with one arm chained to the wall. That sucked, that sucked.
Speaker 1:What were my interactions with authorities like? Well, it depends on each situation. There was only one time that I was really noncompliant, and I was severely noncompliant and I, you know, I got physical with them. The rest of the time, dude, I was like trying to be like compliant and I was this is what I I might as well I should have. I don't know I was, this is what I I might as well I should have. I don't know. Every time I just, you know, not like, oh, you got me, but I wasn't making a big stink and I was, I wasn't making a job any harder, you know. And they never fucking cut me a break. Like not once did I ever get a break from them. They always, never, like I had to get out of here. Never, fucking never. And I'm just like looking back saying I should have just mouthed off a little bit more because I had this expectation oh, if I'm good, maybe they'll let me go. Yeah, fucking right, these guys, they, even for minor infractions, they get a recorded arrest, brother, they get like a fucking star. They get bonus points. They get stickers, they get whatever. Whatever the fuck they get. Did I follow the rules? Almost never. Did I ever break the rules and then resent the authorities when I got caught? What did I just say? What did I just say, bo, yeah, okay, ooh, this next one sounds crazy.
Speaker 1:Did early experiences with trust and intimacy hurt me and cause me to withdraw? Describe Trust I don't know. Trust I don't know. I was normally the one breaking the trust. I had a very and I still have a very difficult relationship with my dad because, you know, I find it hard to believe most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. But I didn't know that when I was growing up and then when I found that, I found that I was like dude, this guy's actually just full of shit. He's like a pathological liar. Now, does that make him like a dishonest person, like? I don't know, but he definitely stretches the truth and does like full-blown fiction. Caused me to withdraw from him? Yeah, yeah, that was it. Hmm, okay, have I ever let a relationship go, even when the potential existed to resolve conflicts and work through problems? Yes, yes, with friendships.
Speaker 1:You know there were some friendships that I had when I was growing up that I couldn't wait for them to end because I was ready to move on to something else. And I took any out that I got and and I took it and I would run with it and I would be like fuck that person, yeah, and it wasn't fair and it sucked and it sucked. I remember one time man this my friend who I used to just cut school with and hang out with and drink with, and she was cool, she was like the homie, she wasn't. I never fooled around with her. None of that stuff. You know None of that stuff. And I know that she kind of liked me a little bit in that way. But I wasn't on that kind of time with her, I just wasn't. And it actually got a.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I got annoyed with it. I think you know you just have that teenage angst where, um, you know where, it just everybody's just so awkward and then you throw 40s and pot in there and you're in, like you know, just makes it worse anyway. So I loved hanging out with this girl but I hated sometimes after a while. She would make me feel it sounds stupid, but she would make me feel like uncomfortable a little bit. This is probably the only girl in my life that I said no to. I swear to God, there's only one anyway. So there's that, yeah, Anyway. So what happened was one day she did something very, very minimal, very, very stupid, and then I just fucking said fuck you. And I had a big argument, I yelled and then I used it as an excuse to never talk to her again and I did some stuff to her car, which was also very dumb, and I was yeah, I feel bad. I feel bad. Yeah, so there was that.
Speaker 1:And I could go on and on, because I didn't know how to work through problems. I knew how to start problems and then run away. And then I'd find a new group of friends and then I would do the same thing. I would overstay my welcome, or my sister would start getting involved and she would make a mess, and then I would be mad at her and then I'd run away. But we would both make messes everywhere we went, my sister and I. We were siblings, man, so wild. But it's the truth.
Speaker 1:Did I become a different person depending on who I was around Describe? Yeah, I wanted people to like me so much that, you know, when I was with these people, I was this person. When I was with these people, I was this person. I was pretty much underlying myself, which is just somebody who drank and did drugs and likes to party and whatever. But depending on who I was around was depending on the costume that I wore, but it was the same clown and everybody loved the clown and that was it. So there was that, and it's funny because when I first got sober and I was talking with my sponsor at the time, the great and powerful Andy, that I explained that to him. I was like, yeah, with the guys, I'm like this, with the other guys, I'm like that. So I said I'm like a chameleon. He's like, oh, you mean, you're a liar, that's what you mean. I was like, oh, my, my god, I'm a freaking liar, you know, but that's what it was, that's what it was. Okay.
Speaker 1:Have I discovered things about my personality, perhaps in previous inventories, that I didn't like and then found myself overcompensating for that behavior? Yes, and then. And then here's the, here's the, in parentheses, for instance have I, have I, we may have uncovered a pattern of immature dependence on others and then overcompensated for this by becoming overly self-sufficient, to scribe describe. It's a theme in my life now where, you know, I spent most of my life taking, taking, taking, taking from everybody, taking, taking. And then I the pendulum swung all the way to the other side where, like, not that, I'm like, giving, giving, giving, giving, well I do, giving, giving, giving, giving, well I do, but I don't, I allow other people to take and I don't say anything. And then I feel bad about myself and then I get resentful because I'm like, oh, this is just kind of like. You know, I make excuses and if you've been listening to the show for some time, you know that that's part of my, it's my hugest character defect that I'm not fair enough to myself and that's because I don't have enough faith in God that I can stand up for myself in some way and then be okay when I'm done, and that's what I'm working on getting closer to the Lord, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:What defects are most often at play in my relationships? Dishonesty, selfishness, control, manipulation, etc. Dishonesty no. Selfishness, no self-centeredness yes, the difference between selfish is, um, I'm like taking something from somebody else, I believe, and self-centered means I'm not thinking of the other people. I'm only thinking of myself. So self-centered.
Speaker 1:Yes, uh, control a little bit, not so much anymore because my kids are older, but yes, with the control, specifically with my wife and with my my kids. Like you know, you try to, you try to control them by making pretend you love them, but really you just don't want any disturbances or disruptions or agitation so you don't allow them to live regular life. So that way you don't get. You know, your apple cart doesn't get kicked, which is a form of abuse actually. And that's how I was and sometimes that's how I am and I do my best. I'm not like that a lot anymore, but I lived like that up until very recently. You know, I try to set everything up, so I'm like dude. So you guys don't ask me for fucking anything, you know, because I got to do whatever I need to do or whatever I feel I need to do. I don't even know if I have to do it, you know, and that is a form of manipulation. So, yes, how can I change my behavior so that I can begin having healthy relationships? I have a lot of them now. I think being more open, honestly, taking more advice from my wife my wife is a little bit of the opposite of me, and that's why she's my wife and she's everything, everything on this earth. I would just give it all to her, you know anyway.
Speaker 1:Uh, moving on, uh, have I had any kind of relationships with a higher power? Oh, yes, um, has this changed? How has this changed over my lifetime? What kind of relationships do I have with the higher power now? Okay, when I was growing up, I didn't, you know, I don't know if I didn't believe in God, but I didn't definitely behave like somebody who had any faith, which is why I just did whatever the hell I wanted to, because I needed to feel okay in the moment. That's what I needed, above, above everything else. I needed to feel okay, um, yeah, so there's that. Uh, what else is there that? What else is there Now, when you're living this life, basically unadulterated, meaning like from the neck up, like no substance to dull the pain or dull the joy, just like you doing it, and even though you can dull it in different ways again food, sleep, laziness, procrastination, whatever you can be in your own way.
Speaker 1:But I really had to learn how to really rely on a higher power, on God, and I have a real relationship with God now, and God is the big love of the universe. Sometimes it's a man, sometimes it's a woman, sometimes it's, you know, a transformer. It can be whatever it's. A beautiful part of my program is that you can have any God you want, and I think that's very important. So if nobody told you that you can literally have any God, that you can have any God you want, and I think that's very important so if nobody told you that you can literally have any God that you want, I just pray that you have a loving one. Mine is loving. Mine is not punishing. I punish myself. God doesn't punish me. He just gives me opportunities to get closer to him. But he does not punish me and I have a really Really strong relationship with him.
Speaker 1:Now. Some days, very few days, where it's when it's shaken, even like when I wake up and the demon is heavy, I still have faith In God and basically, from all the experience that I have, that I know everything is going to be okay and there's just things that are unfolding and more and more and more and more things are unfolding and I have to let them unfold and sometimes I got to jump in the mix. It's not going to do it all on its own. You know what I'm saying and that's the truth. All right, I'm going to have to ask you guys to stand by for a second. I'll be right back. Okay, we are back. Thank you for your patience.
Speaker 1:I was starting to get grumbly hungry so I had to order my burrito because I just finished working out downstairs from my shop and I know that if I don't, my son doesn't believe in like the quote, unquote hangry, and I don't even like that word. I think it's like a very like. I got to try to stop saying like. But in recovery we say halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But in recovery we say halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But like somewhere fancy Hollywood, people start saying oh, are you hangry? Are you hangry? And it caught on and it's fucking stupid and I don't know anybody in my world that likes that word and my son doesn't believe in it because he went on like a four day fast or whatever and he would be able to control his emotions. Me, I have to stop talking to you to make sure I have food here in the next 30 minutes, otherwise I'm going to be a fucking, a gobble ghoul. Anyway, okay, now that we're done talking about the higher power.
Speaker 1:Next category is sex. Okay, here we go. This is a very uncomfortable area for most of us. In fact, we may be tempted to stop here thinking okay, this has gone far enough, there is no way I'm cataloging my sexual behavior. But we have to get over such unwillingness quickly. Thinking about the reason why we need to do this should help, as it says in it Works how and why another book. We want to be at peace with our own sexuality. That's why we need to conclude our sexual beliefs and behaviors in our inventories Include, not conclude. It's important to remind ourselves at this point that we are not taking our inventory to compare ourselves with what we think is normal for others, but only to identify our own values, principles and morals. Okay, here we go.
Speaker 1:How was my sexual behavior based in selfishness? Hmm, how was it based in selfishness? I was so needy that I needed to feel wanted and that's why I never aside from that one person in high school I never, ever really said no, ever to a person. I may have said maybe later and some of that stuff regretfully, but I never really said no and I didn't have the. The standards were not great. They were just like oh, you're down, cool, I'm down, thank you. And then from there it would just turn into you know, what can I do to leave a mark, you know? And that's. It was all based on myself and who knows what anybody else, what kind of I don't know reputation or whatever I have, I don't know, I don't know. I've been a one-woman man for a very, very long time, so my reputation is whatever.
Speaker 1:Okay, have I confused sex with love? What were the results of acting on that confusion? No, I never confused sex with love. I confused obsession with love that I've done, codependence with love that I've done, but not sex. And the results of acting on that confusion have been emotional pain and a lot of learning lessons on both sides of that fence. And then I didn't really know how to love anybody or anything. So in my mind, looking back, I was like dude, I was never in love, you know, I just wasn't. Maybe I had love for somebody else, maybe I was getting something from somebody. That validation I finally matter. Somebody thinks something of me, which is what I chased my whole life. For somebody to think something of me, which is what I chased my whole life, whether it's for somebody to think something of me, whether positively or negatively. That's what I uh, obsessed about and that's what that was. That was, you know, I was driven by that to matter. A running theme in this whole show is I just needed to matter.
Speaker 1:You know, have I used sex to try and avoid loneliness or to fill a spiritual void? I don't know. If it was avoid loneliness, I don't know. I don't know. It was very rare that you know it was like a serial. It was very rare that you know I was like a serial person. There were times when, if I didn't have something, I was working on something is basically what I'm saying. But I was never like, ah, I need a break. I think I did that once for six months, but I was never like, ah, I need a break. I think I did that once for six months and I didn't learn anything because I was just doing it for myself, just to say I did it, but I wasn't fruitful from those efforts.
Speaker 1:And I'm talking about in sobriety, not just I mean when I'm talking about my inventory. This is like my whole life. This is not just like, oh, when I was drinking, and then like, no, in my whole life. Drinking and not drinking. Okay, spiritual void? Nah, in what ways did I compulsively seek or avoid sex? Compulsively seek or avoid sex? Compulsively seek? Yeah, again, because it was just a need. It was one of the ways that I felt like I mattered to somebody else into this world. Avoid sex, never, ever, never. I did that.
Speaker 1:Now there's times when, when you know, now that I've been in a long-term relationship, shockingly, there'd be times when, like I am not, my brain is not there, I am not, I cannot do it, I'm I'm way overworked or overstressed about something and it's like the last thing on my mind. And I never thought that I would get to that point ever, because I never had maybe. This is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had in my life. So to me, this is the only real one. I'm saying that as I'm looking at a picture of my beautiful bride, but it's because it was, you know, something that grew over time. I can't even imagine myself without this person.
Speaker 1:Okay, have any of my sexual practices left me feeling ashamed and guilty Once you know? It made me feel worse about myself because I knew this person. You know, whatever I knew, I had no chance with them and it was just like a thing and I did it anyway. So I fronted on myself. I should have just had dignity and self-respect and been like nah, but it wasn't the case and I felt bad. Afterwards. I don't think I really can talk about anything that I did. That was super questionable, to be honest to somebody else. Maybe they thought it was questionable, but Nobody really said anything Ever. So there was that, well, maybe Like if somebody else Wasn't in the mood and I made them feel like shit about it. That's a sexual practice, I guess. Oh, next question have any of my sexual practices hurt myself or others? I just described that.
Speaker 1:Am I comfortable with my sexuality? Yes, if not, why not? I am actually. I am I like. You know, I have what I like. It's crazy. I have what I like, like the dream of what I could get. I have it. I'm not like, oh well, I love my wife, but I really like this. Uh-uh, Uh-uh. It was a prayer and a wish and a dream and all this other stuff. It's like dude, I need, I remember I would say to myself I'd be like I need to find somebody that I want to have sex with for the rest of my life and then make them. My wife and I just happened to get lucky that that's what it was right away, and still to this day we are very healthy and she just happened to be such a good person and a beautiful soul and we all have our you know things. But she is like I can't believe. That thing on the inside of that person is wrapped in that fucking package, because she could have been on any of these magazine covers forever or in any hip-hop video forever. Brother, fucking, forget about it. She is like she is something else. Okay, am I comfortable with other sexuality? If not, why not? I don't know what's the word. I'm not saying I'm indifferent. I have to be honest with you, dude.
Speaker 1:When I see two guys super making out and whatever, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel threatened and I'm not judging them in any way and I'm happy that they're doing whatever they're doing. But I can never watch like gay sex porn, like I know straight women that could watch lesbians and be unaffected. I know straight women that prefer to watch lesbian porn or whatever and versus like male porn, but I just couldn't. It's you know I'm not repulsed, but it would take a lot for me to sit there and watch that and I don't know why that is.
Speaker 1:Is sex a prerequisite in all or most of my relationships? No, what does a healthy relationship mean to me? Oh, it means everything to me. It just means everything. The relationship that I have now is no wonder I'm having like the best sex in my life. I have the best everything in my life. Right now. There's not one of like, wow, man, this other girl, she was like this fucking. It's not even a thought, because it's not true. Actually, it's just not true. You know it's not true, okay. Next thing, abuse. Whoa, this is also heavy.
Speaker 1:We must exercise extreme caution before beginning this section. In fact, we may need to postpone this section to a later time in our recovery. We should utilize all the resources at hand to make the decision about whether or not to begin this section now. Our own sense of whether or not we're ready to withstand the pain this work will cause us. A discussion with our sponsor and prayer Okay, perhaps our sponsor will be able to help us through this, or we may need to seek additional help. If we do decide to go ahead with this section, we should be aware that working on this area of the fourth step will probably be the most painful work we'll do in our recovery.
Speaker 1:Recording the times that we were neglected or hurt by people who were supposed to love and protect us is certain to cause some of the most painful feelings we will ever have to go through. It is important to do so when we're ready. However, as long as we keep the pain wrapped inside us, a secret, it may cause us to act in ways we don't want, or it can contribute to a negative self-image or other destructive beliefs. True, getting the truth out begins the process that can lead to relief of our pain. We were not to blame.
Speaker 1:Have I ever been abused by whom? What feelings did I or do I now have about it? I guess you can call some of the upbringing stuff abuse. You know, yeah, I had like very my dad, my parent. My dad didn't have any tools. He still doesn't really have any and emotionally he stomped on us. He just did, because he stomps on everybody. Nobody will ever meet him and say, wow, he's a nice guy Nobody. It would be shocking if somebody said that about him. I wouldn't even know if that's like a thing on his eulogy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it was severe, severe enough. I was thinking about it the other day when I was driving and I'm listening to some 80s stuff popped up and then it reminds me of my sister. And listen, my sister was no cupcake, she was a lot like him. She was no walk in the park but you know, as a kid I'm sure she was desperate for, like his approval. And this guy was just relentless and she became a lot of good things in the world but also became a lot of bad behaviors because she needed to cope with that. And this guy was just like you know, he just wasn't nice to her man and she did every and that's how I know it wasn't personal when he wasn't really nice to me because I did a lot of bad shit to him that he shouldn't have been nice to me, her not so much, and he was still. He was, you know, he was still nasty to her and he just and it was his own kidney just kept kicking her and kicking her and kicking her, and it's part of the reason why she's not here anymore. And that's just the truth. That is the absolute truth. Her way to rebel against him was to not even accept help from him at the end, like a lot of, probably a lot of it was. I'm gonna show you now. Now you're gonna feel what is it like. Um, uh, courtney, love, what is that? Um, whole that song, doll parts, that Parts. I remember those lyrics, man. It was so powerful, even when I was a kid. It was like Someday you will ache like I ache, and, yeah, someday you will ache like I ache. Yeah, yeah, she did it to him. It's fucking crazy, but it's the truth.
Speaker 1:Has being abused affected my relationships with others? Yes, absolutely. I was abused. I became an abuser. That's what I became. I became somebody like him when, like, yeah, people who are attached to me, they needed something from me. I was a, you know, I was a victimizer in those ways. I looked down on everybody. I talked down to people. It was very sad and that's why I owed a lot of amends, and this was without drinking and drugs. I didn't stop being like that until at least 46. I would say maybe 40. 38, 37. I started really, really working on that. Yeah, yeah, it was. It wasn't cool. It wasn't cool, you know, and I'm ashamed of that, and I made some heavy amends because of that. I was like listen, I was all the way wrong in the way that I spoke to you, in the way that I thought about you, in the way that I disregarded you, the way that I neglected you, the way that I ignored you, I was like, basically emotionally, like spitting on people. It's bad, yeah, yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:If I have felt victimized for much of my life because of being abused in childhood, what steps can I take to be restored to spiritual wholeness? Can my higher power help and why the steps I could take is you know, I did a lot of work with my sponsors, a lot To really change that and, within therapy, to really change that about myself and, within therapy, to really change that about myself. It's the truth, because I, you know, I believe that, I believe what I believed and, man, I almost lost it all. I almost lost it all, I almost lost it all. And now it's like the other way and I'm like, oh man, I'm a lucky motherfucker, you know, I am very lucky to have everybody in my life Yep, and God really helped with that, and good sponsorship and step work and inventories like this really helped. Like, who the hell am I to talk to another human being like that? Yeah, crazy, is it possible that we have physically, mentally and verbally abused others.
Speaker 1:Yes, recounting these times is bound to cause us to feel a great deal of shame. We cannot afford to let that shame become despair. It is important that we face our behavior, accept responsibility for it and work to change it. Writing about it here is the first step toward doing that. Working the rest of the steps will help us make amends for what we've done to others. Boom, all right, this is a good place to stop. I'm going to make a little asterisk here and I'll probably start right back there and reread that paragraph when we do return, hopefully next week, if not in two weeks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's real stuff, man. I'm happy I'm just reviewing some of these things now and not having to change a lot of them because I've already made the necessary changes. Not having to change a lot of them because I've already made the necessary changes. But it's only in doing these inventories have I really you know, I really saw how my behavior affected others and of course, the self-centeredness in me is like, oh my God, look at how bad I was. Like like somebody should feel bad for me. Like no, fuck you. Like somebody should feel bad for me. Like no, fuck you. You know, I deserve whatever comes my way, in whatever way that that shows up. So like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Don't forget to share this With people you love, and we'll see you on the flip side. Alright, I love you guys. Peace.