The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Recovery Unfiltered: Confronting Relationship Patterns
Fear lurks beneath the surface of addiction like an invisible current, pulling us toward self-destructive behaviors we can't seem to escape. Through deeply personal inventory work, this episode examines how fear shapes our relationships, decisions, and recovery journey.
The paradox becomes clear as we dive into Step 4 work: we often "manufacture our own misery" by demanding constant happiness. When we insist life conform to our expectations, we set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment. Real recovery means embracing life's full emotional spectrum, not just the comfortable parts.
Relationship patterns reveal themselves through honest inventory. From childhood experiences that established defensive mechanisms to adult relationships compromised by fear of abandonment, we see how the same behaviors repeat across different connections. The most revealing insight? Sometimes the relationships we damage most are the ones we treasure—our fear of losing them drives behaviors that push others away.
Silent meditation emerges as a powerful tool for confronting these fears. Taking 25 minutes of stillness allows us to observe our thoughts without immediately acting on them. This practice creates space between impulse and action, helping break the cycle of fear-based reactions.
Authenticity emerges through acknowledging fear rather than denying it. When we admit our vulnerabilities to loved ones—"I'm scared of this thing. It's a real thing"—we create space for genuine connection. The growth happens not in eliminating fear but in facing it directly without letting it dictate our choices.
What patterns are you repeating in your own life? How might confronting your fears transform your relationships? Join the conversation by sharing your experiences in the comments, and don't forget to subscribe for more insights into the recovery journey.
I think I'm seeing. I'd like to put an amend on perhaps a little more room here for the fixings. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, we're gonna have a lot of fixes. We're gonna have so many fucking pieces up in this motherfucker, this shit's gonna go through the roof. Damn damn, I'm shitting gold these days.
Speaker 1:Yo, yo, sober experience. Welcome back Memorial Day. Yep, yep, woo, we made it. What's up everybody? Welcome back. Sober Experience. You know the deal? Boom, yeah, let me cut that off. Yeah, welcome back.
Speaker 1:I hope you guys are doing great. It's been a couple of weeks Been busy, busy, and I appreciate every one of you. Please share, subscribe, like on all podcast platforms. And, yeah, man, happy Memorial Day. You know, I guess, if you, if it's going to be happy, you know those are. That's like for fallen soldiers. You know people who are way braver than me. As a matter of fact, we're going to have like a moment of silence for them. Here we go. Yeah, that's good. Thank you for your service everybody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, I always make like this silly stupid joke. Like, oh, stupid joke. Like, oh, the bravest thing I ever did was buy drugs from strangers. This is pretty brave. Um, but I also married my wife. That's pretty brave. You know that's a battle of its own, but, um, we're not, uh, we're not doing bad. We're not doing bad. Sometimes I'd be on the ropes, but we're not doing bad. Yeah, which you know, it's like anything else, man, you, you, you. There's ups, there's downs, there's left, there's right. You know, I had a good conversation with her the other day. It's always a good conversation, you know. I mean, and that's, and that's the truth, that's the truth. Anyway, we can get right to well, I hope you guys number one I always say I hope you guys are doing well.
Speaker 1:I'm doing really well, you know, I'm doing really well today. A milestone for me I first time and I've been contemplating this for a little while, but first time I did the silent meditation 25 minutes, dog. It was like I was proud of myself when I finished. You know what I'm saying. I really was proud of myself when I'm finished, but I'm so proud I hurt my shoulder a little bit in the gym. I'm going to have to take it easy. Maybe hop on that Peloton or something tomorrow. I have to take it easy. Maybe hop on that Peloton or something tomorrow.
Speaker 1:I missed my yoga class yesterday because I had to come into the shop, which is where I'm at now, because the interwebs was out and I had to do that. So the Time Warner guy came and he fixed the whole shit, which is what I need, because we are actively hiring people and you can't be doing that in a place that's, you know, left foot in and left foot out or whatever, however that goes, anyway. So we're doing all that stuff, we're staying positive, we're living the dream, we're getting closer to God, we're staying out of the fray I was talking about. You know, one of my meetings that I go to is a Zoom. It's a Zoom meeting and it's a big book study and it's dope. And today they were talking about, you know, inside this chapter, which I adore, called A Vision for you, which is you know what your life can be like if you have this spiritual awakening and you get closer to the lord and you get further away from the demon. But you got to do that every day.
Speaker 1:Consistency, and what they were talking about like was uh, we insist on living like a happy life. You know, I think that was the, the yeah. And then later on it says we manufacture our own misery. And then, you know, I'm listening to other people share about that and um, and I get it. You know we've been so close to the bottom that you know we want to be happy all the time. And then I made the connection in real time and then I shared it with the other folks that the way that we manufacture our own misery is by insisting on having, on being happy all the time. That's not real life.
Speaker 1:I'm really good a lot of the time, but it ain't all the time, because for me to be happy all the time, that means I got to get my way all the time. And what does that mean? That means I'm out here, you know, taking other people's inventory and I gotta be right all the time and all that other stuff. Then I'll be miserable because I'll be by myself. That's when I need to pray the most is when I'm right about something with my people, because I could take that I was like. When I'm right about something with my people Because I could take that, I was like, oh, I'm finally right, now you're going to pay. That's what it feels like to me, and if I don't have that meditation in the bank where I can just take a step back and just be like all right, hold on, hold on, hold on, rude boy, hold on and slow down, man, will I end up with the short end of the stick? Anyway, let's continue on.
Speaker 1:We're in the middle of step four, which is a bad place for us to stop. Before you know, it's basically kind of like an open wound that I've had for a few weeks. So if you are new and you're doing the step work, um with your sponsor or whatever, or somebody is helping you out, do not stop in the middle Like I just did, cause that's a four step, is a bad fucking place to stop. Anyway. So the next category. Uh, what did we go through already? We went through guilt and shame. We went through resentments, feelings, spiritual principles, yeah, all that stuff. Now we're going to look at fear. Everybody else talks about that fear. Everything is fear. It's fear related Fear, fear. We'll figure out what that is Okay.
Speaker 1:If we could look at the disease of addiction stripped of its primary symptoms, that is, apart from drug use or other compulsive behavior, other compulsive behavior and without its most obvious characteristics, we would find a swamp of self-centered fear. We're afraid of being hurt, or maybe it's just having to feel too intensely. I'm going to read that again. We are afraid of being hurt comma or maybe of just having to feel too intensely. So we live sort of half life, going through the motions of living but never being fully alive. We're afraid of everything that might make us feel, so we isolate and withdraw. We're afraid that people won't like us, so we use drugs to be more comfortable with ourselves. We're afraid we'll get caught at something and have to pay a price, so we lie or cheat or hurt others to protect ourselves. We are afraid of being alone, so we use and exploit others to avoid feeling lonely or rejected or abandoned. We're afraid we won't have enough of anything, so we selfishly pursue what we want, not caring about the harm we cause in the process.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, if we've gained things we care about in recovery, we're afraid we'll lose what we have, and so we begin compromising our principles to protect it. That's a deep one Sorry, I got a little bit of a sniffle Self-centered, self-seeking fear. We need to uproot it so it no longer has the power to destroy who or what do I fear and why? Who do I fear and why? Who do I fear? I'm only really scared of my wife, to be honest with you. That's it, why? Because I love her so much, man, and she is not beholden to me and that means that I can do everything right and you know she can come to the conclusion that I'm not the one and that has nothing to do with me. And that's scary, because I'll be heartbroken without her. Fuck, I'll be devastated, you know. And so I understand the compromising your principles. To protect that, my principles, I don't say they've been compromised, but they've definitely changed. I mean I have principles of been compromised, but they've definitely changed. I mean I have a principles of trying to do what's right, no matter what. This is an example. I've modified that to. It doesn't have to be right now.
Speaker 1:You know that fear of something going wrong, specifically with my kids. I used to have me fucking jump all over them when they stepped an inch out of line, instead of letting some things play out a little bit. And that's the same thing with my wife. You know, I gotta let things breathe. What have I done to cover my fear? Stayed quiet. That's what I've done. Stayed quiet.
Speaker 1:But, like I was saying before, I had a really good conversation with her because I voiced it like two, three weeks ago. You know that was a fear of mine, but I acknowledged it. It wasn't like saying like, hey, I feel like you're threatening our marriage, our marriage, you know. But I just said yo, I'm scared of this thing. It's a real thing. And some of that fear is perpetuated by you know some of the things that, um, you know that we say if we're more arguing, so we either need to be learn how to not do that or, after argument's done, be like yo, dude, I was just mad, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, you know. And now it's the truth, and that's just growing. And that includes me too. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:You know, it's almost like when you're mad at somebody and you say something and their response is you've been thinking about that this whole time and you couldn't wait to say it, and that's how you really feel. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When it's like, oh, oh, no, you don't. That's actually not how I feel, it's actually just a response to me being scared of something. And then I lashed out and I said fucking, you know, and I'm letting you know that that's not really it. But if you choose to believe that that's really it, you're going to be wrong. And if you, you know, make decisions based on that false belief or take actions based on those, then your own fears are going to come true. How do you like them, apples?
Speaker 1:I learned that doing the four-step inventory, that I used to take actions based on fear like that, like somebody would say or do something, and if it was positive I didn't believe it, and if it was negative it's been brewing the whole time. And then I'd be like, oh, all right, I'd take mental note, whatever. Or, you know, I would preemptively think something was going to happen, whether it was work-related or relationship-related or whatever, and I'd make sure I cover my own ass. Or relationship related or whatever, and I'd make sure I cover my own ass. If I was stealing from all my jobs, it wouldn't matter if they fired me, you know, whatever. That's an example. I'd be like, oh, of course they're going to fire me. That's why I stole, so at least I protect myself. It's a ridiculous way to live, but I lived in that cycle of they're coming for me, so I need to.
Speaker 1:You know, it's all fear-based stuff. How have I responded negatively or destructively to my fear? Or I just answered that what do I most fear looking at and exposing about myself. What do I think will happen if I do? Yeah, again, it's not anything more than what I just said. You know it's a healthy fear. You know I wouldn't even call it a yeah, well, it was a fear. Now it's a. I wouldn't even call it yeah, well, it was a fear, now it's like a respect. I respect that. You know a lot of a lot of that stuff is out of my control how somebody feels or how their life unfolds. I may have some agency and some influence and as long as I do my best to make that positive, then it's going to be what it is, whether whether it's my kids or anything else. You know that's good.
Speaker 1:Have I cheated myself because of my fear? Yeah, of course. What do they call it? Yo, you're blocking your own blessings. Yeah, man, yeah, I definitely did that.
Speaker 1:You know I didn't know what it was like to earn legitimate money, because all the money I made had a by the way attached to it. You know, when I was in a relationship previous to the one I'm in now, I always had a backup then a backup for the backup, just in case you know. So I spoiled the experience by not knowing what it was like to be inside something unadulterated, by not knowing what it was like to be inside something unadulterated, and, yeah, I guess I wasn't ready to let go of that fear. It had nothing to do with the other person, you know, but I wasn't ready. And there was a time when I, you know, maybe once I mean I know for a fact once when I was just trying to do everything right and that was the time that it obviously didn't go my way and then I was like, oh you see, this is why you got to be a fucking pig, and that ain't it either. That ain't it either. You know, I can get close and love and warmth from being a principled man, knowing what I stand for and then believing it. I can get that more than anybody could ever give me.
Speaker 1:Okay, moving on Relationships Okay, wow, this thing looks like a page and a half of questions. All right, let's see where we are. We need to write about our relationships in the fourth step. We need to write about our relationships in the fourth step, all of our relationships, not just the romantic ones, so that we can find out where our choices, beliefs and behaviors have resulted in unhealthy or destructive relationships. We need to look at our relationships with relatives, spouses, partners, friends and former friends, co-workers and former co-workers, neighbors, people from school, people from clubs and civic organizations and the organizations themselves, authority figures such as the police, institution and anyone or anything else we could possibly think of, institution and anyone or anything else we could possibly think of. We should also examine our relationship with a higher power. We may be tempted to skip the relationships that didn't last long one night sexual involvement, for instance, or perhaps an argument with a teacher whose class we then dropped but these relationships are important too, if we think of it or have feelings about it. It's inventory material. Let no stone be unturned. You know what I mean. All right, I'm coming very close to pausing and blowing my nose, just so you know. I'm coming very close to pausing and blowing my nose, just so you know.
Speaker 1:Okay, what conflicts in my personality make it difficult for me to maintain friendships and or romantic relationships? What conflicts in my personality? My inability to stay shut up, to stay shut up, my incessant need to know everything and be everything. That's a huge character defect. I used to say this before. I'm saying it again now, like if you were in my life. You know you had to be willing to be wrong All the time, otherwise you were not in my life. So you really must have loved me Because, you know, I made you feel I didn't make you feel wrong, like a lot of people were very patient. I mean, I was just a bullshitter, that was it. I a bullshitter, that was it. I just bullshitted because I couldn't afford to be my real, authentic self.
Speaker 1:Somebody says a story, I have a similar story, so I think I need to pile on top of them, and then I do that. Maybe there's some embellishment, maybe there's some sprinkles on the fucking sauce. Now I can just be. You know, I do my best to just be quiet and even if I did the same thing or whatever, I don't need to do that to connect with them. I can just be like, wow, man, that sounds incredible, that's beautiful, awesome, thank you. And then shut up, and that's that word. And I, uh, really have been practicing that the last few years. That's my biggest personality conflict calling relatives, whether it's my cousin, whether it's my parents, calling somebody to pick a fight, waiting for them to say something. So I can be like, yeah, but you need to do this. Yeah, you know it's sad. I shouldn't be doing that all the time. So I try not to do that all the time, even when it sounds very crazy, what the person is saying to me is out of control. I just be like, eh, okay, if you ask me something, you asking me for help, then I'll tell you, but if not, then you know, good luck, man. I hope it works out. I gotta be more of that.
Speaker 1:How is my fear of being hurt affected my friendships or romantic relationships? I discussed that before my friendships. No, I wasn't worried about anybody hurting me as a friend. I'm going to be honest, because I was never really a good friend, you know. I mean, I, I did some, I did. I. I swam in a foul pool where everybody was foul, you know, and you, there were certain things you could be foul about and certain other things you could not be foul about. Now, me, there was no limit to how foul I was. I was a foul, you know what, and yeah, so I have no say when it comes to that. Nothing or nobody was off limits, you know.
Speaker 1:But the fear of being hurt in my romantic relationships, you know. But the fear of being hurt in my romantic relationships, yeah, it's. You know ebbs and flows. You know I've really grown out of that. That's it doesn't mean that I'll never be hurt. You know people hurt people all the time and it doesn't have to be hurt. People hurt people. No, just people hurt each other's feelings. They say stuff they don't mean or they say stuff that they do mean and it hurts and it's okay. That's the thing it should. You know it should be okay for somebody to hurt my feelings if they're being honest. You know and maybe it's something I can work on you know what I'm saying, something I can work on. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:How have I sacrificed platonic friendships in favor of romantic relationships? Or when I was growing up, or when I was on the come up, if I got a, if I was messing around with a girl, I just honestly, I mean, I'm from a school where and I'm growing out of that now but I'm from a school where, like a girl, a romantic relationship was like a home base, and that's when I went for home base. But when I was off base or in the field, it was like yo, I spent my whole days or my whole life out there hanging out, living my own separate life From my Romantic interest or whatever, and then I come home at night, or I go check them at night, or I'd segregate maybe a day to go do this, to go do that, but everything was very, very compartmentalized, like my, you know, I didn't want to hang out with my girl and my friends at the same time. Who the fuck wants to do that? You know, I want to be able to be myself In front of my friends and be myself In front of my I mean my woman, my wife now, you know, but it's like a different self where you know, it's just different. But I'm learning how to just.
Speaker 1:You know, when I come home and I'm with my wife, like I, I need to communicate better about what's going on in my, my daily life. You know what I'm saying, I know, okay, but I see her and, like the whole, my whole day melts away, no matter what it is, it fucking melts away. Unless the kids are fucking with me or fucking with her, then, you know, the war rages on, but I see her melt away. I don't even think about that, I don't even want to. I come home, dude, I want to put my phone down whatever, we were talking about it yesterday in the movie theater, because I turned my phone off in the movie theater, like all the way off, and I turned my phone off in meetings and I turned my phone off when I go to sleep. You know, even when I come home, like we start watching something, I take my phone. My phone goes on the other side of the room. I don't even want to look at it, you know, I don't. Yeah, I'm trying to get closer to my woman.
Speaker 1:Okay, in what ways did I compulsively seek relationships? I wouldn't say compulsively, but you know, in what ways did I compulsively seek relationships? I wouldn't say compulsively, but you know, I was always on the move. I was always on the move. Friends this group of friends, and next group of friends and next group of friends and next group of friends, this job, and then this job, and then this hustle, and and then this hustle, and then never planting roots. I mean, I have them, but they're like they never flourished all the way. It's like the roots grow so far, and then I move on, and then the root, and I think, honestly, that's a little bit healthy too in some ways, because I'm you know, I'm operating in a place where I'm trying to be great and not everybody can come along for the ride, not the full ride, I mean it doesn't mean that they're not in my camp and it doesn't mean that I don't love people, but it's like, dude, I got to keep fucking going and keep fucking going and keep fucking going. I can't slow down. And it doesn't mean that these other people that doesn't mean that they are of no use to me, it's just that like I have to. You know, I only have so much bandwidth and I have to get to the next level and if you are running with me, you will stay with me, and if you are not, then you're not and that's okay. And it doesn't mean I don't love you and it doesn't mean when I see you it's not all love, that's okay. And it doesn't mean I don't love you and it doesn't mean when I see you it's not all love.
Speaker 1:Like, there are people who I look when they hit me and I hit them back right away. I'm not saying that I make a decision to not hit other people, but I know I make a conscious decision to hit people, certain people. When they hit me, I'm like, oh'll, hit them back right away. It's almost like a client. You know an important client that pays a lot of money, you hit them back right away, you know, versus Somebody else. That's like you know, a pain in the ass and say, listen, I'll take my time, and I think that's that's how that goes, you know.
Speaker 1:But it's funny because my wife said to me the other day she was just like, oh, you know, one of us, like when she was this is one of the things that she said and I'm sorry, I know she doesn't like me talking about us on this show, whatever, you know, I should just stop. But I'll say this something she said was just like yo, you know, I, I should just stop, but some I'll say this something. Um, she said, was just like yo. You know you, like I made, I made some stupid comment, I forgot what I said, but prompted her to say, like one of us has a history of moving on quickly and the other one doesn't. And I was like bitch, don't fucking say that shit to me. Like you know what I'm saying. Because like, yeah, man, I would dude, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I couldn't even think of something beyond what I have right now, you know. And then I told her, I said you must not understand how much I love you and how much you are. Everything to me that like it would be total destruction. So, no, nobody's moving on anything anytime, anywhere. You know what I'm saying. Maybe when I was 25, 27, 30, 32, yeah, maybe I licked my wounds, or somebody else will help me lick my wounds, but that ain't it, that ain't the game anymore. You know, boom, okay. You know, boom, okay. Let me, uh, continue on.
Speaker 1:In my relationships with family, do I sometimes feel as though we're locked into repeating the same patterns over and over, without any hope of change? Yes, yeah, I have some family members that it is the same fucking story Every time I talk to them. It's the same story, the same old song, year after year. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And, like I've even said, you know, I have one cousin that, like, he's on his way and he's doing good, you know. But I told him I was like bro, he drags his feet so much because he only because he doesn't know how great he could really be. And I keep telling him, bro, you could be the fucking greatest. And he doesn't believe. He believes it for like a second, but he don't believe it in the way he moves. So I told him I like bro, it's like I told him. I said if you wasn't my cousin, I wouldn't even talk to you because you're stuck in this cycle.
Speaker 1:And then every time we talk, it's about you being stuck in the cycle. You know, and like I'm and it. Then what happens? It's almost like an alcoholic helping a drunk in some ways. Like dude, that guy will get me drunk quicker than I'd get him sober. You know, now there's a collective like yeah, I could bring them to meetings, I can do this, that and the third.
Speaker 1:But you know, the truth is is that, like I'm more influential I'm, I'm more influenced by negativity than by positivity. So that's why I got to stay away from the negativity. You know, same thing with my parents. It's the same thing. You know, there are the patterns. All right, now I really have to blow my nose. All right, sorry, okay, we're back. I can't be blowing my nose on the mic. Dude, when I blow my nose, it is a motherfucking snot locker. You know, boom, boom, boom, okay.
Speaker 1:What is my part in perpetuating these cycles? Yeah, what is my part? That's why I'm here. My part is not letting go. That's my part. Yeah, not letting go. It's a real one.
Speaker 1:Okay, how have I avoided intimacy with my friends, partners and spouses and family? That I don't avoid that, as a matter of fact, I'm like over intimate with them, except for, again, the thing with separation, church and state, like with my wife. You know, I'm getting better at that because I don't want to be like yo, like sound, like a fucking cry baby when it's like, dude, you're a man, man, I'm supposed to just get out here and just get it, that's it. There's fucking no excuses. There's either money in the bank or there motherfucking isn't. There's either meat in the fridge or there isn't, and that's it. And yeah, yeah, I don't want to be like a fucking crybaby, all right.
Speaker 1:Have I had problems making commitments? Making them, no, keeping them Sometimes? Yeah, I've gotten a lot better at it. I not, you know, really, in a long time I used to. I don't think I ever made any commitments before, you know, especially when I was active, like I didn't make a commitment and then not show up. I just never was committed, you know, to anything Except for to, you know, partying and whatever the next drink was, whatever the next thing was, okay.
Speaker 1:Have I ever destroyed a relationship because I believed I was going to get hurt anyway, so I should get out before that could happen. Describe, did that? Like you know, I was again stealing from jobs, not just stealing money, like stealing time, not working, setting myself up for them for failure, because I was too scared to approach the boss and be like, dude, I need more money, or dude, I need this, or dude, I'm not getting that. I'm having this problem. No, I would just go play these fucking away games, which is why I never you know, I never, yeah, I never did that. I never. I had very few jobs the rest of the time I had always some kind of business, but I've definitely avoided conflict with the people that work for me. You know, that's my biggest problem is that I let them get away with too much stuff because I'm too scared that I'll die without them. Because guess what, in one or two days, if they both call out, or three guys call out, whatever, dude, I am fucking drowning because I don't have systems like that in place. So I'm working on it. Working on it have systems like that in place. So, but I'm working on it, I'm working on it.
Speaker 1:To what degree do I consider the feelings of others in my relationships Honestly platonic ones. You know I consider the people I don't know about their feelings. I try not to hurt anybody's feelings too much if I can avoid it Meaning that like on purpose, like when I instinctively know like, oh, I'm about to say something that's going to hurt Anthony's fucking feelings. I try not to do that and I do really good at that. My wife I could never guess what she's feeling Ever. My kids definitely, I think about, otherwise I would fucking torture them, you know they would be hiding under the fucking bed because they'll never measure up. So I definitely consider them with that. They're like little humans, you know, and they're never measure up. So I definitely consider them with that. They're like little humans, you know, and they're on their way, especially my son. I'm very proud of him. He's doing great. The other two are doing fantastic too, but they got to stay on it Like there can be. No, do not hurry, do not rest.
Speaker 1:You know, have I felt like the victim in any of my relationships? All of them. Note that this question is focused on uncovering how we set ourselves up to be victims or how too high expectations contributed to our being disappointed in people, not unlisting instances where we were actually abused, described. That's a very good distinction. Yeah, my fears would make me so needy, you know, that would just make me so needy that, like, I always felt like a victim yeah, self-pity, you know, when it comes to that stuff. But the truth is is like I was no cakewalk. So there's that, you know. So, anything any of these birds ever did to me, I deserved it, and that's the truth.
Speaker 1:Okay, what have my relationships with my neighbors been like? I have a very good one with all of them Now, oh, my God, incredible. I love them, I'm friendly. I have this one big musclehead guy who lives next to me and he's just like kind of full of shit and I let him be like that, you know, I just let him be like that. I wouldn't say he's full of shit. I shouldn't say that he's not. But yeah, yeah, you know he's just different. Yeah, he's, you know he's just different. He talks a lot and that's that. But I don't, I love him like I love everybody else, you know. But, yeah, I have good relationships with my neighbors, okay, okay, do I notice any patterns appearing that carried me through no matter where I lived? Yeah, I just be.
Speaker 1:I say hello to everybody within reason, know who. I don't say hello to inappropriate aged girls or young women, like in their 20s or 30s or like whatever, just old ladies and men and children. I say what's up to all of them in their 20s or 30s or like whatever, just old ladies and men and children. I say what's up to all of them and that's that helps. That helps, you know, because then I don't want to be like, I don't want them to think I'm a creep, and the way that that doesn't happen is I just don't be like creepy and that's it.
Speaker 1:How do I feel about the people with and for whom I've worked? I admired the guys who were really, you know, the guys who made a lot of money. I admired them. I felt slighted by them in some ways, but that's because I was not being a good employee. And for the people who work for me, I don't know, sometimes I feel like, yeah, I just feel like, you know, I'm trying to help them and they don't want to be helped and they don't get it and I have a hard time with that.
Speaker 1:You know one of my guys he just had a freaking baby Meanwhile. He knew because I had a conversation with him and I'm like, bro, you got to tell me when this baby is coming, and A, b, c, x, y, z, so that way we can make a plan. And he didn't. And I heard through the other guy, the lead guy, that the junior guy, that the baby should be coming any day. And I was just like yo, what is wrong with this kid? You know what is wrong with this kid? That that he don't. I don understand. I'm telling him this is what you need to do. He's ignoring it until Saturday. He sends me a text like yo, chief baby's on the way. I was like, okay, good luck. What else can I fucking say? Except we have all this work planned this week.
Speaker 1:So I waited a day or two and I said, listen, congratulations, I'm happy you had the baby. We need to make a plan. I didn't know this was going on this week. We don't have the staff to make the kind of adjustments. We have a huge, huge, huge week coming up work-wise. I said you're going to work this week, then you're going to leave the van and all the equipment here, then you're going to get two weeks, then you're going to leave the van and all the equipment here and then you're going to get two weeks Stay home with the baby and your lady and we're going to pay you and that's it. You know, but it's like you know, he I don't know what goes through his mind, why he didn't. I know it's not because I'm unapproachable, I just don't know what it is. It's pretty bizarre. Yeah, it's pretty bizarre.
Speaker 1:Okay, how do I feel about the people who I went to school with, both in childhood and currently oh man Childhood kids who I went to school with, both in childhood and currently oh man Childhood kids that I went to school with man? I always thought they were smarter than me. I always thought they were tougher than me. I never felt more victimized like in my life and none of it was true. I mean, yes about maybe some of them being smarter and tougher and whatever, but none of them were like out to get me in some kind of crazy way. None of them. And yeah, I don't understand, but that kind of mentality drove me to act out and misbehave and basically stay in my own way. I'm putting sorry, I'm putting this Q-tip up my nose, because my nose just started running crazy. Yeah, it's gross, yeah, but that was like a big thing for me.
Speaker 1:You know I had a lot of pressure on me because I had a very overachieving older sister and everywhere I went I was following her and they were like, oh, I hope you're going to be as smart and as good as Dara. And I'm like what, fuck her and fuck you. You know, I'm my own person. I was smart in different ways than she was and I never allowed that to be nurtured until I went to all these alternative schools, from being kicked out of schools and this and that, these different programs where they really nurtured that, the martial arts stuff, the wrestling also really helped, you know.
Speaker 1:But I had a lot of resentment, you know, a lot, especially when I got to high school. Man, I was like these kids think they're fucking better than me, and they are, and I'm mad about that. And it's not because they're better than me, it's because I'm not doing my best. Yeah, it's fucking crazy and sad. It's one of these things that I think that, like I try to coach my son through and he did pretty good, you know, dealing with that, it's just a very so what did I do?
Speaker 1:I made sure I was the wild kid, you know, that's it. I made sure I was wild, I made sure I had. You know, I stayed under the influence, I stayed in trouble. You know, people pointed and they were right, the chicks in school. They would be like, dude, that kid is crazy, I want a piece of him, right, but nothing to write home about. You know, just for a good old time. You know, how could that people take me seriously if I could never take myself seriously?
Speaker 1:I just think, honestly, that was also like adolescence. I had way too much energy and too much feelings, too many feelings that were so, that were so demanding, you know, and drugs and alcohol and testosterone. I had a lot of it. I was very driven, but I was just pointed in the wrong direction. Now, mind you, I still had a great time at the expense of a lot of other people. So there's that and that I had to learn how to live with.
Speaker 1:But yeah, my childhood, if you ask me, it was beautiful. It was beautiful man. I was off the rails my whole life, yeah, and that's how I ended up, you know, burning down. You know, icarus, I flew too close to the sun, you know, and that's good. I like it down here on Earth anyway. All right, we're going to wrap this guy up here. I'm going down here on Earth anyway. All right, we're going to wrap this guy up here. I'm going to make a little note on the thing Hold on, you got to get that pen man the shoulder's fucked up. Okay, like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Share these episodes with people who you love or people who you hate. And, yeah, forums share these episodes with people who you love or people who you hate. Um and um, yeah, we're gonna see you guys. Uh, hopefully next week you know again. Uh, happy memorial day. Uh, for everybody, and we're grateful for all of the military people in whatever you know branch you're in or whatever level you are, and, um, I love you guys. Peace.