The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
When Emotions Take the Wheel, Recovery Gets Real
Raw, unfiltered, and deeply personal—this episode takes you straight into the trenches of emotional sobriety work as we continue exploring Step Four of recovery. When was the last time you truly examined your feelings, or questioned why you react the way you do?
The journey begins with a jarring confession: losing my cool completely with a stranger on the streets of Park Slope . This humbling incident sets the stage for an honest conversation about how our emotions can hijack our behavior when left unexamined. Despite years in recovery, I'm still learning to pause between feeling and reacting—a skill that requires constant practice.
At the heart of this episode is a vulnerable exploration of my desperate need for validation and acceptance. I share the paradoxical struggle of running through life with an "unquenchable thirst" to feel loved and included, while simultaneously finding it difficult to accept love when it's earnestly given. When my wife shows affection, why does it feel like the first time every time? This insatiable need for reassurance points to deeper issues many in recovery face.
We also tackle the complicated territory of guilt and shame, distinguishing between authentic remorse for our actions and the imagined guilt we carry for things beyond our control. Through personal examples of treating loved ones poorly and collecting people who were dependent on me, I reveal patterns driven by insecurity that continue to require vigilance and awareness.
The episode concludes with a touching reminder that recovery isn't a solitary journey. A message from someone celebrating two years sober thanks to early support shows the ripple effect of connection and how differently recovery can look for each person.
Ready to examine your own emotional landscape? Listen now, and don't forget to subscribe and share with someone who might need these insights on their recovery path.
Yo, yo, welcome back. Sober experience. Yep, yep, hope you guys are doing well. Oh, yeah, magic. Don't forget, like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Don't forget to share these episodes. Don't forget to be nice to your neighbor, especially the one with the smelly feet. Nah, I don't know. I don't know if you smell your neighbor's feet, but if their feet smell, you should still be nice. That's our job. We just got to be nice to each other. Man, I could vibe out to that all day, but we got business to get to. So let me lower that down a little bit. You know what I'm saying. Let me lower that down. Oh, before it gets crazy, that's the short shot from Adrian Young. Yeah, actually it's an instrumental.
Speaker 1:He did an album 2013, with Ghostface Killer, 12 Reasons to Die. You should check it out. I'm sure it's streaming everywhere. I listen on Tidal because I support the culture. Killer, 12 Reasons to Die. You should check it out. I'm sure it's streaming everywhere. I listen on Tidal because I support the culture.
Speaker 1:I've been an avid Tidal member since it started and, yeah, man, we've had an eventful week. You know, business is good, wife is good, kids are good, we're all good. You know a lot of moving and shaking parts, whatever, and, um, you know, more is always revealed, man, more is always revealed. But, uh, I still see people crying all over, um, social media and whatever, living their worst life, you know, taking it out on each other with all the judgment. And us, what are we doing? We are doing step work, oddly enough because, like I'm in the middle of well, I'm supposed to start, I have one, one kid I'm sponsoring who's supposed to, um, you know, supposed to start step four, and um, I guess he's, uh, he's doing whatever he's doing, and, um, yeah, and then the other, uh, you know, the other guys are doing whatever they're doing and we're in the middle of step four. So there's that, okay, so let's get back to it. I don't really have a lot of commentary Today, we're just going to get into the work.
Speaker 1:So, where did we leave off? We left off talking, okay. We left off talking, okay. Oh, resentments, woof, jeez, yeah, I went through those last week, actually, no, because I have. Well, no, I did. I'll give you a little thing that happened I lost my shit this week on somebody in the street, which I haven't done in so long. I don't even remember the last time, like I really lost it. And I lost it and I embarrassed myself and, you know, scared the public Anyway, and according to me the guy deserved it. But it doesn't matter what I think, because I am not the sheriff and I'm not somebody who's supposed to be going out there looking for violations and giving demerits, but this guy he definitely, you know, he fit the role.
Speaker 1:So I'm over at a stoplight and you know, maybe three cars behind me there's an ambulance blaring and I'm the first car at the light. So it's very obvious that the ambulance is blaring. I'm sure you guys have seen it on movies. Anybody else who lives in New York or a city area you can hear an ambulance blocks away, anyway. So this guy is like people are crossing in front of me and there's a guy and I'm beeping my horn like yo, get out of the crosswalk so I can move through to make way for the ambulance.
Speaker 1:And this fucking guy, bo, he's like walking with his chick, typical. I mean, I'm not sizing him up, I'm just giving a description. You know, he's a park, like a Park Slope yuppie, because I'm in Park Slope, right Actually, prospect Park West, and like Ninth Street. So entonces, I'm beeping, I'm like yo, dude, get out of the way, you know, whatever. And like he just looks at me and he's carrying like his picnic baskets and shit and he's like fuck you. And I was like why Fuck you, get the fuck off the road, you know? And he says some other shit back to me.
Speaker 1:Now here's the thing For those of you who are not in New York each person gets a fuck you or whatever. As long as nobody does the SMD, then it's okay. And people don't know what SMD is, it's suck my whoop. So as long as nobody says that we're good to go, I get a fuck you. You get a fuck you. I tell you to fuck off and I drive away, anyway. So he tells me fuck you. I say fuck you, you get to fuck you. I tell you to fuck off and I drive away anyway. So it tells me fuck.
Speaker 1:I said fuck you and then he kept running in his mouth, you know, and I rolled down my window cause I was getting out of the way and I went to spit on him because I was so fucking angry cause this guy he was just like arrogant and fucking entitled and whatever, and you know. So I went to spit on him Because I was so fucking fuming, like the, that type of stuff really gets me. It's like dude, like you don't know who the fuck you're talking to. It's different for me. Maybe, sometimes I don't know who I'm talking to, but I also don't care who I'm talking to. You know, if I'm going to be wrong, I'll be all the way wrong, you know.
Speaker 1:So he kept running his yap and I went to fucking spit, which is a huge violation. But that's how angry I was. I was so angry, I was just like, dude, if I was standing in front of you, you would not be burning your fucking mouth like this. And then I was so angry that I didn't even have any spit in my mouth. And then I went to spit and like nothing came out. And brother, him and his chick, like they just fucking laughed at me. I was like, oh, like they just fucking laughed at me. I was like, oh, you just Pushed the button, I got time.
Speaker 1:So I pulled over and I hopped out Because he didn't think there was space for me to pull over. I pull over, I hop out, and then I'm like yo, what the fuck is wrong with you, bro? Bah, bah, bah, you know whatever. And he's like what are you gonna do? What the fuck are you gonna do? What the fuck are you going to do? What the fuck, you know, still running his mouth? And he thought it was like maybe some nerf ball shit. Um, so he's holding this fucking picnic basket, running his mouth in front of his girl, trying to be fucking whoever he's trying to. He got the wrong one and and thank God he was holding this basket, cause if he wasn't, I would have just pummeled him right there and I just fucking I don't know, I hit him. I didn't swing at him, but I like ran, I hit him with my forearms to shove him and his fucking picnic basket went all over the place. I probably threw it.
Speaker 1:I was so blind with anger that I didn't even realize and the shit went all over the place. And then all of a sudden he's backing up and he's fucking scared. I'm like, oh, where's all the tough guy shit? You thought all the wrong shit. And he's like I didn't hear the ambulance. I was like shut the fuck up. That's not what it's about. You know what I'm saying? And yeah, he was, yeah, anyway. So he was just like just get in your car and leave, just please get in your car and leave, kind of like not begging but like whimpering. I was like, oh, this is what happens. You get what you deserve. You fucking open your mouth. Crazy, you know. But you know, whatever I was, I got in my car, I drove and I went. I had to.
Speaker 1:Actually I've been in the street doing work in the field and I did a stop at a customer's house, but I calmed down by that time and then after that I went to a meeting and, number one, I got to tell you in all honesty, I felt bad, not because he didn't deserve it, but like, dude, to be honest with you, the guy was like a conservative Jew, you know. He's got his yarmulke on, he's going into the park and he's just like a little bit like a fucking snotty schnurrer, like he's like meh, like you know what I'm saying. But like, dude, you know you can't live your life like that. Just so, you know. Because if he wasn't holding that basket, I'm telling you, man, there's no way he would have got away from me, you know, and I would have probably just whacked him into the fuck, stomped a hole in his fucking chest and told this girl now pick your man up off the fucking sidewalk Because he just embarrassed you and himself by running his fucking mouth, when in reality, I embarrass myself by doing that. So Whatever, yeah, but I felt bad Because he was a Jewish kid, I don't know.
Speaker 1:That was that. Part of me was involuntary, you know. But whatever, he was bigger than me and it didn't matter. I was angry, I was wrong, you know, but he deserved it. But, uh, it ain't my job to be giving shit to people who deserve it. You know, maybe, who knows, maybe I saved him. Maybe the next guy comes out and hits him with a fucking hammer or something, you know. So that's that.
Speaker 1:And I went to the meeting. I spoke about it. We are not saints, and uh, and that kind of shit. So there's that, Anyway. So that was this week's that, and I yelled at a client, but I love doing that because they were nasty to my fucking guys. And we have one rule in my company, which is you are not allowed to be nasty to my guys, period. I don't care. I don't care, you can write whatever kind of reviews you want to write. You can do whatever you want. And she was like I'm gonna write the most scathing review. I said you fucking go for it. I don't give a fuck. Whoever is like you. I don't want them either. So you go for it. We don, I don't want them either. So you go for it. We don't never care about that kind of shit, and it's because it's nice that I want my guys to feel like they work for a place that respects them Above all else.
Speaker 1:So that happened, I think, two days in a row. I got to check myself a little bit. Then, you know, maybe because I'm in the middle of this fourth step with you guys, maybe that's it. Maybe because I'm a little bit, you know, under pressure, because under good pressure, because I got a lot of work and a lot of stuff going on and you know these other things and whatever. Maybe that's it, who knows, but that's where we're at anyway. So continuing on.
Speaker 1:Uh, take heed, listen, and I did all that bravado shit and you know, embarrassing kindergarten shit on the side of the park, uh, with my work clothes on. So, like people like oh, this guy works for this company and he did this, that you know these nerf ball fucking douches or karens that could have been videoing, like, yeah, this guy, you know, and I'm tired, and he was jewish, so they could have made it an anti-seemitic thing. Then I would have had to pull out my fucking piece of deal To let them know that I'm part of the tribe, and then nothing to do with it. I don't care, actually, what it, no, what it did have to do. That it made me, honestly, it made me feel worse Than if he wasn't, and maybe that's the connection that I have. You know, Because if the guy was Asian, or if he was Puerto Rican, or if he was black, or if he was whatever, I would have did the same thing. You get mad, you get mad, it doesn't matter, I'm not nobody sizing anybody up. I'm five foot seven with Tim's on, so there ain't nobody sizing anybody up, you just I'm was a little bit of shame involved in that. So I don't like to be, I don't like to behave like that, but uh, you know what can I do?
Speaker 1:More spiritual work is required. So here we are. Okay. Feelings this is where we left off, or where we're going to start, right after resentments. Feelings we want to examine our feelings for much the same reason that we want to examine our resentments. It will help us to discover our part in our own lives. In addition, most of us have forgotten how to feel by the time we get clean. Most of us have forgotten how to feel by the time we get clean. Even if we've been around for a while. We're still uncovering new information about the ways we've shut down our feelings.
Speaker 1:How do I identify my individual feelings? Question one If I'm looking back, I'm just going to say that I lost my temper there and whatever. But I can start to manufacture and like, pull apart this string, like oh, maybe it was because of this, and then like you know, and then just you know what are they called? Paralysis? By analysis, I can do all that and he's like dude, I lost my cool and that was it. So I can identify them, I feel them.
Speaker 1:Listen, I have a fear, not a fear. I shouldn't say it's a fear because I don't. I don't do it consciously, but there's times when I I'm scared to be left out and I feel like that sometimes in my own home with my kids and my wife. If they, if I show up and they're talking about something and they're giggling and laughing and I show up, like what's going on, they're like yeah, you know, it's like. I feel like they're having like a personal party without me and I'm not invited, and I've said that to them and I've been way better at being overly sensitive about it, you know, and that's it. Or even when, like my, you know, yeah, in those ways, in those ways, everybody has different relationships with each other. My wife can laugh and giggle with the kids and then be like cold with me and maybe she's putting on the front for them, maybe she's putting on the front for me, I don't know, but I can't always speculate that it's about me. You know that she's putting on the front for me and she really, you know, despises me or something or whatever, and is just happy, joyous and free with them, when in reality it's just maybe she don't want the kids to see her when she's not feeling well, who knows.
Speaker 1:Anyway, continuing on, what feelings do I have the most trouble with? Allowing myself to feel, oof, I would probably say I don't know, maybe loved or appreciated. It's like I starve for this thing, for that acceptance, and then you get it and you're like no, I'm okay. And the truth is it's uncomfortable when somebody is saying things to you and you just say like thank you, like to just say thank you and shut up is the hardest thing for me. So feeling appreciated and feeling loved is not, you know, from somebody else's. It's not always easy. I don't know it's a weird, uh, but it's the truth. That's the way I am.
Speaker 1:Why have I tried to shut off my feelings? And it's not always easy. I know it's a weird, but it's the truth, that's the way I am. Why have I tried to shut off my feelings? In some ways? Because I've found that, because of my perception problem, my feelings again, if we're going to talk about my feelings of being left out or underappreciated or whatever, a lot of times I'm so sensitive they're blown way out of proportion, like way out, like my response is like, you know it can be. Look at what I just did, right, look at what I just did.
Speaker 1:That response was not measured. So, since I can't measure my responses, you know, and or until I learned how to do that effectively, I've like, really like, stifled them, you know, and then, like I have, you know again, I have like this, it's like what it is, it's like an unquenchable. I don't want to say thirst, but thirst goes with quench, unquenchable thirst, or yearning, or like desperation, to feel that, to feel a part of something that if I just run around and be like, well, what about me? And I don't understand, then it turns into I do this and I do that, how come I'm not included? Like, how come I'm not included? Why doesn't anybody love me? Like all of these things that are fiction, you know.
Speaker 1:And then, since I would respond with that level of desperation, I learned how, to, a little bit at a time and I'm not saying 20 years ago, I'm saying it's a work in progress how to just not say anything and let things unfold and let those feelings like bubble all the way down that insatiable, desperate volcano of really self-centeredness what about me, when is it going to be my turn? And just let that settle down. It's a skill Meditation really helps with that. It's almost like when somebody's telling a story and I can't wait to tell my story that is in some ways, I think, identifiable to their story, like, oh well, you know, I want to be liked so much and I want to be accepted so much and I want to be accepted so much that I'm going to tell a story that's similar to that. Oh, you saw that thing and then I did this thing, and then you know, and then maybe we'll, you'll get. You'll get like, uh, that we're together, that I'm okay and that we can be friends or that you could love me or that, whatever, that I could be part of something, when in reality it's like, dude, I can. The truth is, I can just let somebody tell a story and I can just be quiet and just say, wow, that's really cool, man, awesome, awesome story, and then shut the fuck up and then just move on. So I try to challenge myself in those ways, you know, and when I do do good, I try not to look for a pat on the back Like, oh, you did good, you know, and because it's not really my place to Like people, whoever's around me Obviously wants to be around me. Nobody's dependent on me, it's like by choice, you know?
Speaker 1:Okay, continuing on who or what triggered a feeling. We just said that. What was the feeling? We just talked about those. What are the situations? What was my part in each situation? What are the situations? What was my part in each situation?
Speaker 1:My part is like I need to really again measure my responses to the feelings and not to the situation. I respond to my feelings and not to situations, and that's where problem number one is. They tell you in AA, feelings aren't facts. You know, now I can tell somebody that I feel this way and then they can clarify what's going on. Because I need help with the clarification, because I'm so self-centered that all I'm thinking about is me. I have to learn and practice how to think about other people, and that's what the whole program's about. You know, what do I do with my feelings? Once I've identified them, I find somebody to share them with, because I can always go back and revisit situations. There's rarely any situation that I need to respond or react to, whether react, respond whatever instantaneously. So I talk to somebody else about what's going on, I tell them what I think and then they're like, yeah, that sounds about right. Or they say, hey, they try to steal man, like hey, maybe have you thought about this, you know, and then I can decide whether or not I even want to respond or just leave it how it is. Not everything needs my involvement. That was news to me. Yeah, needs my involvement. That was news to me. Yeah, okay, keep going.
Speaker 1:Guilt and shame Oof, oof, sounds like it's going to get heavy. There are actually two types of guilt or shame. One is real, one is imagined Okay. The first grows directly out of our conscience. We feel guilty because we've done something that goes against our principles or we've harmed someone and we feel shame over it. Imagined guilt results from any number of situations that we are not at fault. Any number of situations that are not our fault yeah, we are not at fault. Any number of situations that are not our fault yeah, we are not at fault. Same thing Situations we had no part in creating. So that's imagined guilt yeah, maybe I think we spoke about this before. Like, I don't have white guilt, even though I'm a white man. I don't have white guilt. Even though I'm a white man, I don't have it. We need to look at our guilt and shame so that way we can separate these situations. We need to own what is truly ours and let go of what is not Okay.
Speaker 1:Next page Questions who or what do I feel guilty or ashamed about? Explain the situations that led to these feelings. Um, ashamed. I feel ashamed of all the times that I wasn't good to my parents, you know, yeah, I mean they. They just tried to love me and they're humans too. And I feel some shame to the way I've treated all my girlfriends or some of my friends, just the way I treated people in general, you know, I I was saying this a few episodes ago and I really mean it that, like you know, if you were around me, you either loved me or were dependent on me in some way, you know, drinking or not drinking like I, just that's the way I collected people, you know, because, again, I had this. I had this like a feverish, you know, clawing desperation to be liked. So I always thought I behaved in a way that you would only like me if you needed me in some way, you know, and then I would treat you like shit in return. Yeah, pretty bad I would be. I wouldn't be nice all the time. That's what I can say. I may be good, but I wasn't nice and that's whack. You know which of these situations have caused me to feel shame, though I had no part in creating them. Nah, I don't really feel that.
Speaker 1:To be honest with you, I always have participation in some way. Now, sometimes I feel guilty where, like I just couldn't do something and I should have did something. But I can only do what I could do. The phone calls I didn't take when the phone rang. It doesn't mean I take every single one of them now and then maybe something happened. But, like you know, people can't 100% depend on me. I'm not everybody's higher power. I have my own stuff going on. In the situations I did have a part in. What was my motivation or what did I believe that led me to act as I did?
Speaker 1:What has been the theme of this whole thing? Feeling accepted, feeling loved, regardless of how anybody else is treating me. It's not enough when I'm stuck in that cycle. It is not enough when my wife tells me like I'm grateful for you, thank you so much for the life that you are giving us. It's like every time she says it, it's like she's never said it. That's the way I feel, which is really, really absurd.
Speaker 1:You know, when she does like little physical affection things, I'll be laying with her on the couch and she starts to like, just like, scratch my hand. I call it unsolicited affection. I respond in a way, or I react in a way. It's like wow, like this is the first time ever, like you've never loved me a day in your life up until today. Meanwhile, she probably does that once or twice a week, unsolicited, where, like I run to her every day, all day, when I see her.
Speaker 1:If I told you how many times I tell her that I love her and this and that it's like disgusting, it's so overboard, but I just never, you know, know, I never want her to not know, and maybe that's and a lot that's my own thing. I never want my kids to not know. I tell them I love them a hundred times a day, literally a hundred times, like like every once every other hour. If I'm with them, I'm like, I'm like little love you. She'll be like love you too, like you know, that kind of stuff. Yeah, man, I used to run and tell my dad when I was a kid that I loved him and he would say thank you. Now, has he told me in my life that he's loved me? Sure, me, sure, but being that I have this emotional hang up in my mind or in my feelings. It's been 30 times, you know, yeah, but who knows, because it doesn't matter the way that I'm running through life If I let those feelings really trigger my behavior or make me believe them. There's no number. That's high enough. You know. There's no number. So I appreciate that my wife and my kids and other people. They tolerate my little desperations. They don't accommodate, you know, because I keep it under wraps because it could be overbearing if I let it get out of control. And the truth is, when I keep it on the wraps it actually stays right size, like dude. My wife does love me. My kids do find that I contribute and that I matter. You know, my family does love me. It's incredible.
Speaker 1:I had a couple of things where it was very nice. One of my boys shout out to my boy, kenny. You know he sent me a beautiful text today. He says hey, brother, I hope you're great, just want to share that today is two years. Wouldn't have been able to get to this point without your help early on, bringing me to a meeting when I had five days Kept going one day at a time, and here I am still going on, strong and helping others. I could have just said thank you. I was like thank you, you don't. What did I say? Thank you so much, brother. You don't understand what this means to me. People don't know what it's like to be in that prison and there's only one way out and that's with each other, each other. And then we have some small talk, whatever.
Speaker 1:And here's a guy that he doesn't really go to meetings or doesn't have to do any of that stuff, which is fine as far as I know, because then I stayed on top of him for like 90 days, maybe a few months, texting him, make sure he's on, make sure he's on, make sure he's good, and he never went back to a meeting. But then I told him, I said also, I said there are people who clean up their lives and do great things and they don't need all of that support. But the point is, is that not everybody's like that? So you need, if you're going to help somebody, you need to be like listen, I'm going to bring you to a that what you wish, because that's what I did. I don't blast him for not going to meetings. You know, the only person I do that to is my cousin timothy, because he doesn't go to meetings, and then he, you know he needs to go, but he's doing a lot better than he was anyway, okay, um, that's it for this week.
Speaker 1:We're gonna mark to mark the agenda. Um, next week we're going to be talking about fear and, uh, relationships. Woof, that's going to be a tough one. All right, uh, share, subscribe, uh, like on all podcast platforms, um the sober experience and um that's it All right, I love you Peace.