The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Confronting Resentments and Entitlement in Recovery
Have you ever wondered what lurks beneath the surface of your resentments? What drives that burning frustration when someone posts political rants on Facebook, or when authorities enforce rules you find unfair?
Step into the vulnerable world of Fourth Step inventory work as we resume our journey through the 12 Steps using the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide. This raw, unfiltered exploration takes us deep into resentments – those persistent feelings that arise when we can't let go or forgive something that has upset us.
I open up about my frustrations with social media political debates, recognizing how my annoyance mirrors behaviors I've exhibited in the past – the desperate need to be right and unwillingness to consider opposing viewpoints. We examine institutional resentments toward educational systems, government agencies, and religious organizations, uncovering how these attitudes manifest in self-destructive behaviors like driving with a suspended license or seeking loopholes in systems I deem unfair.
The most powerful revelation emerges as we identify entitlement as the fuel for most resentments. That persistent belief that I deserve special treatment or exemption from rules that apply to everyone else has led to a pattern of behavior contradicting recovery principles. Through honest self-examination, we witness how dishonesty perpetuates resentment – how quickly we forget our own similar behaviors when judging others.
This episode isn't about self-flagellation but rather about finding freedom through rigorous honesty. By identifying recurring themes in our thinking patterns – entitlement, self-importance, and feeling superior to others – we create space for genuine transformation.
Whether you're in recovery or simply interested in personal growth, this episode offers valuable insights into how resentments reveal more about ourselves than about the people or institutions we resent. Join us on this journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth – the real work that happens long after putting down the substances.
Welcome back sober experience. What up? Sorry for the wait. I've been busy, Bo. It's like the first Jay-Z song I ever heard. It was like Doo-Wop 95 live. That mixtape oh man tape. Tons of money, tons of money. Hope you guys are doing well. Welcome back Sober Experience. Don't forget to share, like and subscribe on all podcast platforms, including our YouTube channel.
Speaker 1:It's been a few weeks since I've been on the mic. Man, I get overwhelmed and then you know there's nothing else that I can do but just like kind of clean up the messes that I make and that's it, man. So I miss you guys. Sorry about that. I gotta get more consistent, but here we are anyway. Um, all right. So, uh, without further ado, let's. Um, I know we were doing some inventory shit. Y'all ain't crazy. Hold on. I know we're in the inventory process. Where are we, the inventory?
Speaker 1:So, in case you're just joining us, we're doing the 12 steps through the Step Working Guide in the NA workbook. The book is called the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide. Even though I'm a member of AA and I don't care about my anonymity, I happen to like the NA literature a little bit better personally. Yeah, because it just happens to be like a little bit more poignant. You know what I'm saying. Let's see if we can do some other stuff. Hang on one second. Maybe I'll have this playing in the background. Instrumentals Maybe they have a collection of them, I don't know. I'm in like a Jay-Z kind of mood. H to the Izzo, you know, let's see. What do we got here. Play all Drug money, yeah, Play all Drug money, yeah, yeah. Maybe we won't make any money on YouTube Not like we do, but it's nice to have this plane in the background, give a little flavor, flavor.
Speaker 1:Okay, where are we at the actual inventory? Ooh, all right, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it. Right, what does it say? Step one it says get a notebook or whatever means of recording your inventory you and your sponsor have agreed is acceptable. Get comfortable. Here I am. Remove any distractions from the place where you plan to work on your inventory. Pray for the ability to be searching, fearless and thorough. Don't forget to stay in touch with your sponsor throughout the process. Finally, feel free to go beyond what is asked in the following questions. Anything you think of inventory is inventory material. Yeah, okay. Well, here we are. I got my pen. I got my paper. What do we got? Let me turn this page. It's like a work to do page. All right. So we're back.
Speaker 1:It says, okay, resentments. We have resentments when we refill old feelings, when we're unable to let go, when we cannot forgive or forget something that has upset us. We list our resentments in the fourth step for a number of reasons. First, doing so will help us let go of old anger that is affecting our lives today. Second, exploring our resentments will help us identify the ways in which we set ourselves up to be disappointed in others, especially when our expectations are too high. Finally, making a list of our resentments will reveal patterns that kept us trapped in the cycle of anger, self-pity or both.
Speaker 1:What people do I resent? Explain the situations that led to the resentment. Who do I resent right now? Right now, do I resent anybody? I don't really resent them, but I mean there's people who are like, really, I resent myself with the situations that I'm in, but let's do this exercise, okay. Yeah, it's hard to go back because, honestly, you know, this is stuff that I already let go of. But who do I resent in the current moment? Oh, my God, here we go.
Speaker 1:I resent people crying on Facebook about politics. Yeah, people crying on Facebook about politics, explaining situations that led to the resentments. What's the situation? The situation is like, bro, like don't people have something else to do with their fucking time? I mean, every time I turn it on and I go there, it's really me just being self-righteous. But the truth is, is like yo man people? They just like. They remind me a lot of how I used to be, in a sense like yo.
Speaker 1:I have this idea of how things need to go and I have this incessant need to be 100% correct, 100% of the time, and you know it's I can't wait to tell everybody, and then I'm really actually unwilling to be wrong about anything. So when I see this stuff, it's like every day. Trump did this, somebody did that, israel did that, you know, like this whole whole shit and I was just like I get like so annoyed, like I feel like I want to just go and put everybody in their place that's number one and be like bro, you know, do you want to have a fucking fight? We can't have a fucking fight unless you're willing to be wrong, which a lot of times people are not, so they just can't wait to just fight with people and I think I resent them because I used to be like that. So then the whole clue, or the whole key is like okay, but what happened if you took the high road right?
Speaker 1:And the high road is like now I'm sitting on top of the perch, like look at these peasants. Ha ha ha. You know they're going crazy. Oh my God, elon Musk. Oh my God, blah blah. You know what I'm saying. The market is crashing.
Speaker 1:Part of me wants to be like you know what? Why don't you post a picture, a screenshot, of your huge investment account that's down millions of dollars, for you to be on Facebook fucking crying. You know the deportees at this, at that, whatever. It's the same thing. Like you know when you know when the other party was in power. It's like people can't wait to just go there and fucking cry. You know, yeah, there and fucking cry. You know, yeah, it's fucking ridiculous. Just people in general who do that. It's like very, it's fucking stupid to me. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:So then I'm like yo, well, what are you actually doing? Are you doing anything besides coming on here and crying and fighting with your fucking friends? Are you doing anything Other than that? If that's all you're doing, then guess what. You ain't doing, shit. You could actually be taking action and doing something. You know what I mean. But no, you want to come here and fucking bellyache, whatever. Alright, so that's a pretty good resentment. If I'm over here, you know Bitching about that stuff. Okay. Next one fucking bellyache, whatever. All right, so that's a pretty good resentment. If I'm over here, you know bitching about that stuff, okay. Next one what institution school, government, religious, correctional, civic do I resent? Holy shit? Okay, what do I. Who do I? What do I resent? All right, if we start schools, right, the public system in new york city is fucking horrible. It's horrible.
Speaker 1:I think that here's the thing. I think I know that what should be taught, and I think I know, I think I know everything. Actually, that's a part of the reason why I have to do these inventories. I think I know everything, but the truth is is that I don't. I I don't know how to teach kids anything. I know what I would like for them to learn, and I know that they're not learning this stuff in school. And who am I to say that? Like, even if you did try to teach them that stuff, which I know they don't, who knows if the kids would be open enough to learning about them. I don't know, but I have like like this huge resentment. I'm like, bro, our kids are fucking stupid because of you guys. And the truth is, is that like that's 50% true? The other 50% is that kids are fucking stupid because they don't want to learn. You know who the hell wants to learn when you know you got your little crush in the same class as you or your friends throwing things at each other, whatever, if you can't fucking behave.
Speaker 1:I was in a cigar lounge the other day and there's a schoolteacher there and I told him I said, dude, if I had kids right now, I would homeschool them. And then him and this other mope were like, yeah, the socialization you need to. I was like I would socialize them outside of school. They we're like, yeah, the socialization you need to. I was like I would socialize them outside of school. They would play sports or there's other ways to socialize them. But to sit them for eight hours a day in a school where they're learning for two hours is ridiculous. I'd rather them learn for two hours at home and then spend the other time doing other productive stuff. That would actually make them good human beings. You know what I mean. I think that would be the best scenario possible.
Speaker 1:You know, whether it's community service, again, sports, athletics, learning instruments you know I think about this stuff and I think about, like. You know, you meet people who are like Eastern European, or they're Asian, whether it's Indian or regular Asian, whatever. Bro, these people have a different value system than what we have and we think that we're like top of the food chain, but we are not. They have, like, bro, you meet a kid from Eastern Europe, typically they speak at least more than one language English and whatever their native language is, and then maybe one more. So let's just say, 2.5 languages, average. Right, typically they play an instrument, typically they play a sport. Typically they play like chess or something and you're like, wow, this kid is a fucking savant. Like no, he's a normal, fucking ukrainian kid. You know I'm saying this is just like their value system.
Speaker 1:And by the time you get old enough to have kids, you're like, wow, I wish I had that value system. I mean, look, I played an instrument when I was a kid. I speak 1.5 languages and I definitely played sports and that kind of stuff. I wrestled, I played baseball. So I guess I'm a little bit.
Speaker 1:I'm well-rounded, but I see a lot of people who are not, or they didn't take that into their character. Me, I could have taken it into my character, but I found drugs and alcohol and women and the fast life and it was just very too alluring, you know, and I couldn't, I couldn't say no, it was impossible. You know. So who knows? Who knows people, places and things? Okay, so what? Institution? School, government? Don't get me started on the government.
Speaker 1:I don't trust the government on any level, on any level, on any level. I don't trust government institutions. I have faith that they will be corrupt. I have faith that they will not act in our best interest, all kind of stuff. That's what I have faith in. I don't have faith in them being on our side and on any level. You know that stuff is like, uh, for the birds, I mean I don't. You know, I've lived long enough that I've seen it happen.
Speaker 1:Republican Democrat, this that whatever you know, like you, people are crying now about you. Know what's going on now, like if you'd be an idiot to not be buying Tesla stock at the moment everything is decimated and if you're not putting money into the market every day. Ok, then maybe you can't, but if you can, even if it's $10 a day you know $8, $4 a day that you just buy. Go on Robinhood, open an account, buy $4 worth of Tesla stock every day. In five years you're going to be very happy, because one thing you should definitely take to the bank is that these people are not going to walk out of the White House empty-handed empty-handed. None of them do, on any level. None of them, you know. So there's that. Okay.
Speaker 1:What, uh, institutions religious do I resent? I don't resent religious institutions. I resent religious people, um, in the ones that are like holier than thou, those people I resent. You know what I'm saying, and that's a, that's a truth, and maybe because I found my own version of spirituality and my own connection to God and all this other stuff. That's why and then I listen to them talk I'm like, oh, they don't have that, they just have some shit. They're spitting out of a fucking book and they're telling me how I should be and I'm like, okay, well, you know, let's go through your search history on your laptop and see how religious or spiritual you are. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:In the dark corners where it's just you and God, and he knows who you are, so you don't have to try and prove to me who you are Like. God already knows who you are. He knows when you're lying, he knows when you're dishonest. He knows when you're things that you're looking at, things you're not supposed to be looking at. He knows when you're thinking things that maybe you shouldn't be thinking about other people, and so I don't profess to be anything above that, and that's what I don't like about religious people that a lot of them do profess that. You know correctional institutions same thing. I hate the police, all that stuff. A I have friends that are police officers and I like them on a personal level, but you know, I, yeah, I just I hate authority Bo, I hate it.
Speaker 1:Okay, what's next? I'll explain the situations that led to those resentments. I kind of did that in my own thing. What motivation or what did I believe that led me to act as I did in these situations? Really, it's just entitlement, you know, really just entitlement. You know, I think that everything should you know that I should get mercy and everybody else's justice should be thrown upon them, and that's that, ain't it on any level. You know, and also when it came to like the political stuff and whatever, and the people that I get angry about on Facebook, it's really about, you know, I, I recognize some of myself in them and so, and now, since I'm past that in my life, um, you know, I think I'm better than them when I'm just in a different, uh, space and I don't, I don't know, maybe they're better than me. Who knows, maybe they can handle that kind of discourse without being resentful. I don't know, I've yet to see it, and it's like I don't know what causes somebody to, you know, to get that involved in that stuff. I mean, I know what it caused me. It was really just like the feeling of betrayal. You know that I thought things should be one way, just because I'm trying to live one way, that everybody should try to live that way, and it's not the way.
Speaker 1:How has my dishonesty contributed to my resentments? I'm dishonest in the moment when I resent somebody else Because I forget that Number one is look who's talking. That's number one. Look who's talking. Have I ever Done what they are doing? Most likely yes. So who the hell am I to be this upset? You know Ego, megalomania. That's where I'm dishonest in the moment.
Speaker 1:How has my inability or unwillingness to experience certain feelings led me to develop resentments? Oh, that's a good one. My inability or unwillingness to experience certain feelings. What does that mean to me in the moment? My inability? There was a time that I was unable, unable, unable To really To give anybody a break. Yeah, I just wasn't able. What do they call that Empathy? You give somebody, give them a break, give them a pass. I wasn't able to do that. I couldn't wait to be right about anything. I couldn't wait to be heard. You know, I couldn't wait to matter.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, most times, when that is the focus, I'm typically wrong about whatever I'm thinking. And if I'm not wrong about whatever I'm I'm thinking, and if I'm not wrong about whatever I'm thinking or feeling, I'm definitely wrong on how I'm responding and bludgeoning Typically the people that I love with it, whether it's my kids or my wife or whatever. You know, and before I was unwilling, you know I was like a bully man. Yeah, I was unwilling to be empathetic. I don't even know if I couldn't do it, but I just wasn't willing to really surrender to humanity and be like yo man. You know, there's a lot of other humans on this earth that deserve love and respect and integrity and dignity, and not just in words, but in how I behave and how I act. They deserve that. And yeah, I wasn't giving that to anybody, I was just running around with my ego, all of my thoughts and ideas. If I just learned it, that means you have yet to learn it. That's the way I was behaving, okay.
Speaker 1:How has my behavior contributed to my resent? The way I was behaving? Okay, how has my behavior contributed to my resentments? I literally just described that, brother. I never met anybody with love Never, almost never. I typically meet people with entitlement, judgment, and that's where I come from. They're lucky that I'm here. They should be grateful that I'm around. And this is all fiction, this is all lack of humility. And this is when there is no God in my life, in that moment when I can't wait to tell you or show you something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, I lived a long time like that without drinking. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict, which means alcohol and drugs are like the least part of my problems. They're the biggest part of what doesn't allow me to deal with the rest of my problem, which is really me, my attitudes, actions and behaviors and my feelings about how I respond to life and how important or unimportant I am for me. It's about how important I unimportant I am For me, it's about how important I was. I never thought that I was not important. I thought I was over. I was over important. I guess, if that's even the right word, that's a good one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, brother, I fucking abused, compared to how I behave now. I abuse people, man, especially, you know, people close to me. I said this in another show and I said it, I think, yesterday. Man, if you, the only people who are around me are people who loved me or people who needed me in some way, typically financially, whether it was my kids, you know, yeah, just the way that I lived my life, I needed to be needed and then that way I can abuse you and that's a learned behavior. That's how my dad is to this day and I don't know. I don't know how much blame I can give him, because I'm accountable for who I am. I'm accountable to my actions. So, even though I learned it, I need to un-fucking learn it. I need to unscrew the screw bow.
Speaker 1:Okay, am I afraid of looking at my part in the situations that caused my resentments, why I'm not afraid of looking at my part, you know, but I'm definitely, um, I have trepidations about taking action to fix that. To fix my part, you know, to fix my part. I feel like a lot of times I like I'm going through something now where I feel like I let like my family down and not in a way like we are not in any trouble in any way and I shared about this before where it's like, yeah, you know, I fucking played games with my driver's license and my tickets and this and that, and the police and fucking having uninsured cars on the road, like all that stuff. Right, I feel like I need that. I need to. You know, I'm like yo fuck the system.
Speaker 1:I hate insurance companies. You pay for insurance every month. They fucking, they come after you Every month. You have to pay as soon as you have an issue. Oh no, this is not covered, this is not that, and I'm like dude. And then they wonder why somebody can get in a position where they're going to go pop somebody else over that. Are you fucking? You forget about that part of life that sometimes you got to pay what you owe. Somebody else thinks that you owe your life. Guess what, when you live like that, then you know what I'm saying, you get what you get. You know what I'm saying, you know. And so that was my. You know, that was like a very you know, it's like a very eye opening experience. So for me, I'm like, oh well, I'm just going to not pay the vehicle insurance for a few months and save. I think I say that calculated with my wife, but I've saved like maybe $6,000 or $8,000. You know, and what happened? Vehicle gets impounded. Now it's off the road, cost me $600 to get rid of the fucking thing, whatever. But now my license is suspended.
Speaker 1:I think I saw the paper. It said 173 days or 178 days, and it's like this, like one of these things where, you know, I'm not all the way tip top, magoo, and then I feel like I let my family down to again we're not in risk in any way and I'm still driving around suspended risk in any way, and I'm still driving around suspended, um, but whatever space in my mind that that is taking up, and like a couple of other situations that are similar to that where, like, I feel like I need to get over, especially on the, on the government. You know, I don't get over, especially on the government. I don't practice these principles in all my affairs. So when it comes to the city of New York and the meter maids and the IRS and this and that, wherever I feel like I'm entitled, I try to find a loophole to another. Loophole to another loophole because these people, they just fucking extort you, and that's it. Loophole to another loophole because these people, they just fucking extort you. You know, and that's it.
Speaker 1:And it's different, I guess, maybe, when you, when you have a regular job, and no, and this is not like a thing, but it may be a thing Like, if you have a regular job, you're going in, you're punching, you're punching out, you work your hours, you get your pay and that's it, brother, I have to fucking kill everything that I eat and I chose this life. So I'm not complaining about it, but I'm like bro, it's like that saying like dude, if you are not the owner, you are not a boss, that's it. Nobody can tell me what the fuck to do. You know, and I made it like that because I don't like people telling me what to do and then these, these guys they're like you, these insurance companies or whatever, brother, they fucking bully you around and then in the end, you know, egg is on my face, yeah, so I'm not afraid of looking at my part Right now.
Speaker 1:I have a little bit of regret and I'm just like all right, man, hopefully this is the last time I have to clean up this kind of mess and then look at other areas of my life where I'm being messy like this Because this is all taking up space mentally and emotionally, even though we live very comfortably and very we don't. There's nothing that we need that we don't have. We have most. We have all of what we need and most of what we want. You know what I'm saying and that's the fucking truth. And whatever we want that we don't have, I can go out there and I can go do something and get it. I don't have to. You know what I'm saying. I can make something happen.
Speaker 1:I was talking about that with my wife Yesterday when I was like you know, there's people I see these videos online or whatever, or just people. I know Like, oh man, you get married. You know, if you get married and you get divorced, you lose half your shit and you lose half your shit. And I and I was just like so what? So what? My wife could take 80% of my shit 80%. I just need a little place to lay my head. I need to be able to go to the gym, cigars, meetings, have a vehicle to drive. I am good she could have the rest. You know what I'm saying. My, you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying. My wants are very and needs are very small, you know. I also know and it's funny because I was telling her I was like you could have all that stuff.
Speaker 1:I said look at me. I said do you really think that I would never not make it again? You know what I'm saying 100%. I have 100% confidence in my ability to go out there and make something happen. That is a guarantee. So I'm not worried about, yeah, you can take half my shit. So what, you go live however you want and you go do whatever. You know what I'm saying. I'm unbothered by that. You know, and that's uh, that's the freedom that it comes in in living that life. But you know the choices that I made. You know, again, that mental and emotional space that you know I can get pulled over at any time or I'm not doing this and that with you know the money, you know whatever unclaimed revenue, that mental and emotional space is being taken up, that could be taken, that could be utilized to get us to the even next level, if I'm willing to let go of that entitlement, you know. So it's not that I'm afraid of looking at that stuff.
Speaker 1:I've been more in a position now where I'm sharing this kind of shit with my wife, Because before I would just be like, hey, listen, all the bills are being paid. You can do basically almost whatever you want within reason. You know you don't have to. Whatever you want within reason, you know you don't have to work for us to survive, that's nice. You don't have to work for us to live like this, that's nice, you know. But you know it could be. It's just irresponsible. Even if it doesn't help us level up, which I'm sure it will, at least you know it'll keep the rain away.
Speaker 1:Okay, moving on, how have my resentments affected my relationships with myself, with others and with my higher power? Okay, I just went through that kind of thing. You know it made me feel like I'm not doing my best. That's what it makes me feel, like I know that I can do better. And then I have people around me sometimes in my life that are not where I'm at and I keep them around me so that way I can bark down at them like, oh, just do that, cause they want to be where I'm at. And I keep them around me so that way I can bark down at them Like, oh, just do this, because they want to be where I'm at. I'm like just do this, this and this. How come you're not doing that, like you know, and Meanwhile I'm over here Fucking playing in the dirt.
Speaker 1:So it definitely Affect, affects my relationship with others. You know, that's that thing. If you spot it, you got it and with my higher power, it's like I believe in God so much, but I guess I have yet to invite him into this part of my life, or he's there, but he's just like chilling, I have yet to involve him. Like, how much faith do I have if I just do everything the right way? Because with with the opportunity to get over, most people will get over, will try and get over. It depends on how much money is on the table, depends on how much resentment is on the table, not even the money. It's like how much resentment is on the table, not even the money. It's like how much resentment is on the table with these institutions that I fucking can't stand, you know.
Speaker 1:Last question what recurring themes do I notice in my resentments? Entitlement I feel like I deserve and I feel like I am better Again, like what I was saying. Like maybe you know, it's hard not to fall into that trap where I you know, because I've been around in my business a long time, I've been around in AA a long time, so in some areas I'm like an authority figure and I can use that as a way to you know, kind of like little bro people or peanut brain them or whatever, just like um, and not in a I don't know like abuse them in some way. You know, and that's not who I want to be, that's not who I want to be. Hmm, that was like the first little area of the inventory.
Speaker 1:We're going to stop there because I got other shit I got to do and I wanted to check in with you guys. But I'm grateful I did that and I'm grateful I was honest with yous and yeah, we're going to get back on the horse and really bring this thing hopefully to the next level and just a little bit more of whatever. There you go, dead presidents, right. What else do we want, you know? Alright, Like and subscribe, share on all podcast platforms. Let this thing take us out. I love you guys. Peace, thank you.