The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Searching for Self: The Moral Inventory Journey with Step 4
Step Four of recovery offers a profound opportunity for self-discovery and transformation, but what does it really mean to make a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of ourselves? In this deeply reflective episode, I explore how this crucial step serves as a gateway to understanding who we truly are beneath layers of addiction, denial, and self-destructive behaviors.
The journey through Step Four resembles peeling an onion—each inventory we take removes another layer of protection, bringing us closer to our authentic core. Perhaps most surprisingly, "fearless" doesn't mean proceeding without fear; it means having the courage to move forward despite our fears. We discuss why many of us resist this work, clinging to behaviors, relationships, or resentments that, while harmful, have become familiar sources of comfort.
I share my personal struggles with accountability, including my tendency to paint myself into corners by repeatedly "giving myself a break." This pattern of procrastination and avoidance ultimately creates unmanageability in my life—from professional complications to personal challenges. My recent experience with vehicle insurance illustrates how avoiding responsibility can snowball into significant consequences.
What makes a moral inventory so powerful is that it isn't about adhering to someone else's code of ethics. Rather, it's an opportunity to discover our own values and principles. By examining our resentments, fears, behaviors, and secrets, we begin to understand not just what drives us, but how we can channel that energy toward positive change instead of self-destruction.
Whether you're new to recovery or returning to Step Four after years of sobriety, this episode offers valuable insights into how this inventory process awakens our spirits and creates freedom, one honest self-examination at a time. The transformation doesn't happen overnight, but with consistent effort, we can build the lives we truly want.
Yo, yo, welcome back. Sober Experience. Spring is here. I bow, yep. Oh man, what a record. Oh man, come on, I could let the whole thing Fucking play out, please. Oh man, all right, all right, enough enough enough. Yeah, man, michael, little baby, michael, little baby, michael man. What a yeah. What a day. What a life, what a time. Hope you guys are doing well.
Speaker 1:Things are all good with me. Yeah, that's where we're at with it, just trudging along on the happy road to destiny. Is that what it says in the literature? Anyway, I'm going to take a sip of my water and, yeah, we'll get right back to the show. Things are going okay on my end. My wife is. Her health is getting better, which is great, and because I worry about her, it's my wife.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying and you know I've pretty, uh, consistent, tying up all my loose ends, trying to stay with that. You know I went to, uh, you know I was having this conversation with her about um, you know me, me not being able to, me having these ideals of who I want to be and me striving towards them, and then, when I fall short, you know, or I don't, you know, whatever, I don't complete a task or something my wife's like. You know, sometimes you got to give yourself a break. I'm like, yeah, let me, let me give you a list of problems that I have going on right now. Situations not really problems that all started with me giving you a list of problems that I have going on right now. Situations, not really problems that all started with me giving myself a break, you know, that's why, with some, just my attitude towards everything, which is like start something, finish something, start something, make a list, do the list. And I'm like, oh, yeah, well, tomorrow, this that, well, fuck, tomorrow, tomorrow turns into you know, next year, and then it ends up with unmanageability, like you got to pay what you owe. That's what it is. And yeah, so there's that. So I hope you guys are doing okay.
Speaker 1:Hopefully, spring is around the corner. I mean, dude, it's been pretty cold. I got to go swim tomorrow. I want to go shop for a new fridge later on today. That's how much of a whatever I am that like I get excited about. Oh, maybe we'll go get a new fridge. You know, spend a couple of buck, see how that goes. And I'm like, oh, I'm going, gonna just push all the responsible stuff to my wife like yeah, you got to do the measuring. You do it like you know, whatever.
Speaker 1:Anyway, let's get back to the book. We're at the big time now. Um, step four, step four. I'm not down with puff and all the stuff he did, but like they were smart by using that sample you know that Jackson 5 sample I was like that's incredible. Anyway, here we go, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. What does that even really mean? You know, we're about to find out. Step four Most of us came to the program because we wanted to I'm reading now wanted to stop something, whether it's using drugs, drinking, womanizing, gambling, overeating, procrastination, recognizing gambling, overeating procrastination, whatever, self-harm, you know, whatever you're doing, overeating, undereating, bulimia, all that stuff you know.
Speaker 1:Anyway, yeah, it's all part of the same sickness, it's just a different tool. All right, I'm going to continue on. We probably didn't put much thought into what we were. Starting a program of recovery by just coming into recovery. This says NA. So we're using the NA literature. For those who don't know, you're just bringing in, this is the narcotics anonymous step working guide where they do like synopsis and they start asking questions and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:But if we continuing on, but if we haven't taken a look at what we're getting out of this program, now might be a good time to pause and think about it. First. We should ask ourselves what we want out of recovery Like what do you want out of the change that you're trying to make in your life? What do you really want? Do you want the pain to stop? Do you want a new way of living? Do you want something to replace that pain? What do you really want? Most of us answer this question by stating that we just want to be comfortable or happy or serene. We just want to like ourselves. But how can we like ourselves when we don't even know who we are? Step four gives us the means to begin finding out who we are, the information we'll need to begin to like ourselves and get those other things we expect from the program. Comfort, happiness and serenity Sounds like a good promise.
Speaker 1:The fourth step heralds a new era of our recovery. Step four steps four through nine can be sort of as a process within the process. We will use the information we find in working the fourth step to work our fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth steps. We'll get to those when we get to them. This process is meant to be done over and over again. In recovery, which is I'm not always the best at that, I kind of do different kinds of inventories but I'm probably overdue for like an actual real overhaul, being that I have like these things going on that I'm avoiding, you know. All right, there's continuing on.
Speaker 1:There's an analogy for this process at this particular what that is particular. There is an analogy for this process that is particularly apt. We can think of ourselves as an onion. Each time we begin a fourth step, we are peeling away a layer of the onion to get closer to our core. Each layer of the onion represents another layer of denial, the disease of addiction, our character defects and the harm we've caused to ourselves and to others. I put that in there. The core represents the pure and healthy spirit that lies at the center of each one of us. It is our goal in recovery to have a spiritual awakening and we get closer to that by beginning this process. Our spirits awaken a little more and more each time we go through it.
Speaker 1:Understood, the fourth step is a method. That's the most important thing that I know personally is that not to get this stuff right, but to learn how to do it so you can keep doing it. You know what I'm saying and that's that. So it's like you're getting the tool, but you have to consistently use the tool over and over in your life in order to build the life that you want to have, and that's a very important thing. Okay, the fourth step is a method of learning about ourselves, and it is as much about finding our character assets as it is about identifying the exact nature of our wrongs.
Speaker 1:The inventory process is also an avenue to freedom. We have been prohibited from being free for so long, probably all of our lives. Many of us have discovered, as we work the fourth step, that our problems didn't begin the first time we took drugs or drank or did whatever vice that you're messing around with that. Only you know what it is. But long before, when the seeds of our addiction were actually planted, we may have felt isolated and different long before we took drugs. In fact, the way we felt and the forces that drove us are completely enmeshed with our addiction. It is our desire to change the way we felt and to subdue those forces that led us to take our first drug. Our inventory will lay bare the unresolved pain and conflicts from our past, so that we are no longer at their mercy. We'll have a choice.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, you know, I find myself in a spot and a lot of times either I paint myself into a corner or life is pushing me into the corner, or I start, a little bit at a time, painting myself into the corner by again, like what I was sharing with my wife, where I give myself a break here, a break there, a break here, a break there, and then I paint myself into the corner, and then life comes and pushes me all the way into the fucking corner and then I feel like I don't have a choice. I have to reach out for something, for some kind of relief. Typically it's something outside myself. So there's that. I'm going to continue on. We'll have achieved a measure of freedom.
Speaker 1:This portion of the step working guides actually has two distinct sections. The first helps us prepare to work the fourth step by guiding us through an exploration of our motives for working this step and what this step means to us. The second part is a guide for actually taking a searching and fearless moral inventory. Okay, motivation, though our motivation for working the fourth step is not as important as actually working the fourth step. We may find it helpful to examine and dispel any reservations we have about this step and think about some of the benefits we'll get as a result from working.
Speaker 1:Do I have any reservations about working the step and what are they about? Working the step and what are they? I don't think I have any reservations, to be honest, only because I've done it before. But you know, initially I was also very young and very egocentric the first time I did one, so I couldn't wait to tell on myself or not tell, tell, yeah, I guess, tell on myself and tell my sponsor. Look at how the world's treating me. Everybody, they fucking nobody loved me. They abused me when I was a kid, blah, blah, blah. Nobody's saying none of that is true, but my response to that actually dictated a lot of how my life turned out, in the negative ways and some positive ways, you know, like the I'll show you problem that was that was a lot of fuel for the Ferrari right there.
Speaker 1:Okay, what are some of the benefits that can come from making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself? I guess I know some of the benefits is I'll have a roadmap on how to change my ways, the ways that are not serving me anymore. Why shouldn't I procrastinate about working this step? Because the longer that I swim or pick up these non-working tools, you know, the longer my life is going to be a little bit unmanageable. All right, all right, here we go, searching and fearless. This is the phase that has most puzzled many of us. We probably understand what searching means, but what about fearless? How can we get over all of our fear? That might take years, we think, but we need to work on this inventory right away.
Speaker 1:Taking a fearless inventory means going ahead despite of fear. That's impressive. It means having the courage to take action, no matter how we feel about it. It means having the courage to be honest, even when we're cringing inside and swearing that we'll take what we're writing to the grave. It means having the determination to be thorough, even when it seems like we've written enough. We're going to be doing some writing. It means having the faith to trust the process and trust our higher power to give us whatever quality we need to walk through the process.
Speaker 1:Let's face it this step does involve a lot of work. It's a good thing they're not hiding that, but we can take heart from the fact that there's rarely a deadline on completing this step. We we can do it in manageable sections, a little at a time, until we're done. The only thing that's important is that we work on it consistently. There are times when our clean time can actually work against us, when we fail to acknowledge our fear of taking an inventory. Many of us who have worked the fourth step numerous times and know it's ultimately one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves, may still find ourselves avoiding the task.
Speaker 1:Just avoiding. For me, just avoiding the task at hand is like very, you know, it's a big part of my life. It really is. Man, I, you know I do so. I do enough to keep things at bay, and the things that I keep at bay are like all of the, all of the necessary perils. I make sure we have enough money that we don't have to scramble. I make sure that all my kids are okay. I make sure my health, enough money that we don't have to scramble. I make sure that all my kids are okay. I make sure my health is pretty good, that that's okay, and I do all this stuff to just keep everything at bay, you know, while avoiding some of the other things that can propel us, you know, into a better state of being, or I'm avoiding doing things that will actually, ultimately, eventually threaten all of the other work that I put in, and I think that's a that's a key thing that I need to work on, which I'm trying to work on.
Speaker 1:We think that, since we know how good this process is, we shouldn't have any fear of it, but we need to give ourselves permission to be afraid. That's important If that's what we feel. Yeah, man, I never gave myself permission to be afraid about anything. You know, it's fucking wild. All right, you guys got to hang on one second. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm back. Okay, I'm back. Yeah, I had to run and pee dude, my liver enzymes are out of control for my liking, and so I've been drinking a lot of water, probably because I'm avoiding, maybe, the probability that I'm going to have to get some kind of testing done. Yeah, so there's that. That water doesn't cure everything. So there we go, yeah, okay, anyway, continuing on, we may also have fears that stem from our previous experiences with the fourth step. I don't have those.
Speaker 1:We know that inventory means change in our lives. That's right. Once you, you know, once you face what the fact like you know what I'm saying Like cleaning out your garage and you're like, oh, you find out. You find all these things that like wow, it's almost like dead dreams are attached to these tools or whatever it is that you've been collecting and just storing away, and it may make you feel worse, but you'll be free once you get rid of some of that stuff, or maybe recommit and say I'm going to get rid of 90% of these good ideas and then just stick to 10 of them 10%, you know, we know that if our inventories reveal destructive patterns hopefully they do we can't continue to practice the same behaviors without a great deal of pain.
Speaker 1:Sometimes this means having to go, having to let go of something in our lives, some behavior we think we can't survive without, a relationship or perhaps a resentment we've nursed so carefully that it's actually become, in the sick way, a source of reassurance and comfort. That's pretty real. You know, the fear of letting go of something we've come to depend on, no matter how much we've begun to suspect it isn't good for us, is an absolutely valid fear. We just can't let it stop us. We have to face it and act with courage. All this stuff is the we, because it's very important that everybody understand that nobody does any of this stuff alone. This is why we're doing it all together. You know, that's very important. We, we, we, we, uh.
Speaker 1:We may also have to overcome the barrier that grows from an unwillingness to reveal more of our disease. Many of our members uh, with clean time have shared that an inventory taken in in latter later, in later recovery, revealed that their addiction had spread its tentacles so completely through their lives that virtually no area was left untouched. This realization is often initially met with feelings of dismay and perplexity. We wonder how we could still be so sick. Hasn't all this effort and recovery resulted in more than just surface healing? That's a good question. Yeah, I can't believe. I still bullshit myself about some of the stuff that I do, you know? Yeah, of course it has. We just need some time to remember that Our sponsor will be happy to remind us.
Speaker 1:After we've had to accept that our inventories are revealing, we feel a sense of hope rising to replace the feelings of dismay. After all, an inventory always initiates a process of change and freedom. Why shouldn't it this time too? Questions. Am I afraid of working this step? What is my fear? Nah, I'm ready personally. You know, yeah, what will become of me. You know, that's what I would say, like what's going to happen to me if I'm actually really responsible in the areas where I'm irresponsible. No-transcript, yeah, I'm just going to keep digging. I guess I kind of look at it like you know the person who is at the beach and they have the thing where they're looking for coins or something in the sand, you know, and the fearless part is, I'm very grateful for what I just read on a previous page where it said you know doing something in spite of my fear or despite whatever the right word is, you know. Anyway, let me just take a look at the next page so that way we don't go too far out of whack. Okay, we'll finish with this part here. A moral inventory this is the section, what the moral inventory is.
Speaker 1:Many of us have a multitude of unpleasant associations connected with the word moral. It may conjure up memories of overly rigid code of behavior we were expected to adhere to. Yes, sounds like fucking rules. Who likes rules? You know what I'm saying? It may make us think of people we consider moral. Wait, it may make us think of people we consider moral. It may make us think of people we consider moral, people we think of as better than ourselves.
Speaker 1:That was my problem. I don't think anybody's better than me, except for my. You know my wife she's better than me, everybody else. We're kind of like on the right plane. My wife has a moral code that is unwavering in a way that is so I'm like I can't believe how you know she's like if she was like a villain in a movie or like you know she's like that guy Thanos. You know he's got a code that he lives by and he's unwavering no matter what. He just stands on his principles. I can't believe she's fucking like that. But I swear to God, man, that's how she is. You know, sometimes to a fault, but you know it's very impressive. She has a way about her. That is just know, my mom is a little bit like that. You know I'm saying. Anyway, hearing this word may also awaken our tendency towards rebellion against society's morals and our resentment of authorities who were never satisfied with our morality. That is true.
Speaker 1:I always thought that my whole life I'm like bro, I just want to do things my fucking way, and even hurting people or not. Hurting people or hurting myself or not. I just I don't want to be no bro, I don't want to be told what to do. Man, meanwhile, that is exactly what I need. I need to be told what to do because I'm self-destructive in every other way, even if I'm good at building something, to be told what to do because I'm self-destructive in every other way. Even if I'm good at building something, without being told what to do, I will destroy it once I get to the top. My boy, Alex, gave me this analogy. He's like dude, we climb the mountain and I just plant dynamite all the way up, so that way, when I get to the top, I can just blow the whole fucking thing down. That's a cycle of my life, man. It's crazy.
Speaker 1:And I pay the price for that stuff, you know, in ways that are stupid. You know they're fucking stupid. You know my license to operate, uh, my vehicles or whatever, is about to be suspended for like five months. I mean, I'm going to have to jump through hoops and do some circle, whatever you know, to try and get something else going, but, like dude, I got to take a vehicle off the road. All this kind of stuff, and it all stems from this one thing where I'm like, well, I don't want to pay insurance. Insurance takes so much money from me every fucking month and then you put in a claim for anything and it just feels like a fucking scam because they never pay fucking anything. They fight you every second of the way, you know. So when I left, uh, my one insurance company to go to another one and the new one was like, oh, we don't do commercial auto, I was like, yeah, fuck it right, saved me a lot of money. I mean mean not a lot, but enough, it was like 600 bucks a month that it saved me. I was like, fuck it, whatever, ignoring something that was growing. And then here we are. Here we are Not knowing the consequence of that completely, or ignoring even asking what they were, just going la-di-da making you know whatever, saving 600 a month. Yeah, now it's gonna cost me, uh, you know whatever, five or six months without a license that I can't even go get another car and I gotta take that car off the road. Thank god the other, the other ones are okay, so the guys can keep working. These are my work vehicles, anyway, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Speaker 1:Continue on Whether any of this is true for us as individuals is a matter to be determined by us as individuals. If any of the proceedings seems to fit, we can alleviate our discomfort with the word moral by thinking about it in a different way. In Narcotics Anonymous, in this step, the word moral has nothing to do with specific codes of behavior, society's norms or judgment of some authority figure. A moral inventory is something we can use to discover our individual morality, our own values and principles. We don't have to relate them in any way to the values and principles of others. Pretty good, we're going to stop here Next. Uh yeah, oh no, here we go, oh we might. Here we go, oh, we might as well continue. I think there's only two more sections and then they'll do the actual inventory. What? Oh my God Dude, there's a lot of questions here. God, but ghoul. Okay, the inventory of ourselves.
Speaker 1:The fourth step asks us to take an inventory of ourselves, not other people. Ourselves. The fourth step asks us to take an inventory of ourselves, not other people. Yet we begin writing and looking at our resentments, fears, behaviors, beliefs and secrets. We will find that most of these are connected with another person, or sometimes an organization or institution Fucking Biden bro. It's important to understand that we are free to write whatever we need to about others, as long as it leads us to finding our part in the situation. In fact, most of us can't separate our part from their part. At first. Our sponsor will help with this.
Speaker 1:Spiritual principles In the fourth step, we will call on all spiritual principles. We uh wait on all of the spiritual principles we began to practice in the first three steps. First of all, we will have to be willing to work. The fourth step, which I am. We'll need to be meticulously honest with ourselves, thinking about everything we write down and asking ourselves if it is true or not. If the facts are true, not the feelings, I may feel slighted by somebody, but do I even know if they're slighting me? Do I even know, or am I just assuming? Wow, we need to be courageous enough to face our fear and walk through it. Last but not least, our faith and trust must carry us through when we're facing a difficult moment and we feel like giving up.
Speaker 1:All right, the next week we're going to talk about the inventory itself. I'm going to start to go through some of these questions. I'm going to. I don't know if I'll be writing everything down, because it'll just maybe take too long, but I'll be answering them in real time and we'll see exactly where the fuck I'm at. The only thing I'm going to maybe not do is talk about people who don't need to be talked about when it comes to some of this stuff, if it's not helpful.
Speaker 1:I mean, obviously, like you know, my family members and whatever, but you know, specifically because even my wife came to me a few months ago and she was just like she doesn't. She didn't even listen to this show. I mean, if she did, it would be on the low and if she did, she would really understand that she is absolutely number one thing to me on this planet, because every one of you guys know that. But she was just like I don't want you talking about me on your fucking show. I'm like all right, no problem, or she's like, or the kids, I'm like okay. So I've kind of been staying away from that stuff, even though it's stuff that I go through, but I can talk around it without talking, exactly in a demeaning kind of way. So I'm excited to see what's going to come next. Wish me luck on buying the fridge, like share and subscribe on all podcast platforms, the Sober Experience and, yeah, we'll see you guys next week. I love you Peace.