The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Trust the Process: How Letting Go of Control Transforms Recovery
Surrender might be the most misunderstood concept in recovery. Far from waving a white flag in defeat, true surrender becomes the foundation for genuine strength and transformation.
In this raw and deeply personal episode, we navigate the complexities of Step Three – turning our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. Drawing from recent personal challenges including a medical scare with a spouse, we explore how surrender becomes most crucial precisely when life feels most out of control.
The episode delves into how surrender typically unfolds in stages. Most of us first relinquish our destructive self-will – that impulsive force behind angry texts, need to control others, and reactive behavior. The surrender of our actual lives – our relationships, finances, health concerns – often comes more gradually as trust builds.
What makes this episode particularly powerful is its honesty about selective surrender. We might trust our Higher Power with our sobriety but not with our finances. We might surrender our work life but cling tightly to control over our relationships. True growth in Step Three requires expanding the areas we're willing to release.
The spiritual progression from hope to faith to trust forms a centerpiece of this discussion. Hope emerges when we first consider that a power greater than ourselves might restore us to sanity. Faith develops as we take action based on that hope. Trust builds as we see evidence that positive action genuinely transforms our lives.
Drawing an unexpected parallel to championship fighters who approach every aspect of training with extraordinary intention, the episode challenges listeners to bring the same disciplined commitment to their recovery – treating even small actions with purposeful attention.
As we prepare to move toward the searching and fearless moral inventory of Step Four, this episode offers both practical guidance and spiritual encouragement for the path ahead. Join us for a conversation that might forever change how you understand what it means to truly let go.
Yo yo yo. Welcome back Sober Experience. It is St Paddy's Day, so in honor of all the people out there still drinking, we're going to do a little drop kicks. Okay, here we go, here we go. I love the root of the sweet, the thigh, haroo haroo. I love the rude. The sweet, the thigh, haroo haroo. I love the rude, the sweet, the thigh.
Speaker 1:A stick in the hand, a drop in the eye, a thoughtful damsel. I did cry, johnny. I hardly knew ya. Woo. Where are the eyes that look so mild, haru Haru? Where are the eyes that look so mild, haru Haru? Where are the eyes that look so mild? With my poor heart, you first beguiled. Why did you run from me in the child, johnny? I hardly knew you. We had guns and drums and drums and guns. Haru Haru. We had guns and drums and drums and guns. Aroo Aroo. We had guns and drums and drums and guns. Aroo Aroo. We had guns and drums and drums and guns. All right, all right. Guns and drums and drums and guns.
Speaker 1:Yeah, dropkick Murphys, you guys know the deal. They're fucking crazy. Folklore says that they used to play a show here in New York. I never saw them. All things being considered, yeah, this wasn't my thing Not that it wasn't my thing People made a big thing about it and I was such a baby that whatever people made a big thing about I was like, eh, I'm good, but they were always very good, especially, you know, whatever, bro, how do you not punch somebody in the face after 11 black and tans with that kind of music playing? Anyway, yeah, dropkick Murphys. Apparently they used to play a show, I think, in New York City every year St Paddy's Day, and every year would get worse and worse, and worse, and worse and worse. It would get crazier and crazier, all you crazy Irish folks.
Speaker 1:Anyway, hope you guys are having a good week. My wife is home from the hospital, which is nice. She came home Friday and seems to be making progress. I mean, I'm there and I see it. So there's that. And you know, everybody's just trying to Dust themselves off man, that's it, and see what the hell is. What's the deal. So we're just trying to Moveonorg.
Speaker 1:Anyway, work stuff going on. Always got a couple of fires. I'm trying to stay ahead of the curve. It's picking up and that's pretty good. It was slow for a little while and, um, you know, yeah, march really came in like a lion for me, so hopefully it goes out like a lamb. It goes out like a lamb. Um, it's fucking hot in my shop. I'm here in my shorts banging on my my white, pasty fucking legs Haroo, haroo. All right, anyway.
Speaker 1:So entonces, we you and I, and we equals me are going to get back to the step work. So, before our little hiatus from the step work, we were working step three out of the step working guide and a book. I've been really doing a lot more. You know, believing or trusting, I think you know we shared about that last week, trusting trust versus faith. And really, just, you know, with God, everything is on the menu, especially things you don't want. You know, this life just keeps unfolding, and, like bro, so when you get a break, enjoy the break, and then when you get to get back to it, you get back to it, because when it's raining, it feels like it's relentless, anyway. So let's continue on. We're at the point.
Speaker 1:We're on page 25, in case some of you guys are following along, I don't even know if that's happening, but if it is, you're more than welcome to. I even put a little asterisk. It says start here, turning it over the order in which we prepare to surrender our will in our lives over to the care of God, of our understanding, is significant. Many of us have found that we actually follow the order in this step First we turn over our will, then, gradually, we turn over our lives. This is true. It seems that it's easier for us to grasp the destructive nature of our self-will and see that it must be surrendered. This is 100% man.
Speaker 1:The self-will is different when you're taking action versus self-will. Self-will is like me trying to control everything, or me when I'm super furious about something and I want to fire off a text message, or I want to, you know, open my mouth to be right, to straighten people out. That's when it's like, whew, I am in danger. When I'm like that, and because that's like a runaway train that you know, I typically say things that I don't mean. Aside from either winning an argument or hurting a feeling, there's no other motive for me to say them. When I'm in those moments, you know, because it's all retaliation, it's all like. You know, because it's all retaliation, it's all like. You know, feeling threatened, you know, because God forbid somebody's telling me that I'm not a fucking wizard or that I'm not the best thing that's ever happened to them. God forbid, anyway. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba forbid. Anyway, it must be surrendered. Consequently, it is usually the first to go.
Speaker 1:Harder for us to grasp is the need to turn over our lives to the process of that surrender. For us to be comfortable with allowing a higher power to care for our lives, we will have to develop some trust. What were we just talking about? We may have no trouble turning over our addiction, but want to remain in control of the rest of our lives. Here we go. Here we go. We may trust a higher power to care for us. Wait, we may trust our higher power to care for us. Wait, we may trust our higher power to care for our work lives, but not our relationships. Hello, we may trust our higher power to care for our partners, but not our children. We may trust our higher power with our safety, but Turn the page but not with our finances.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, many of us have trouble letting go completely. We think we trust our higher power with certain areas of our lives, but immediately take back control the first time we get scared or things aren't going the way we think they should go. This is true. It's necessary for us to examine our progress in turning it over, okay, questions what does to take care of mean? Oh too sorry, bro, sorry, I'm on like a lot of caffeine, yeah, okay, what does to the care of mean to me?
Speaker 1:That means for me that, like, whomever or whatever is going to take care of me, like I believe that they love me. Yeah, if I let somebody take care of me, I have to believe that they love me. There's no other reason. It's not a self-serving thing for somebody to take care of me. You know what does it mean for me to turn my will and my life over to the care of my, of the God, of my understanding. What does that mean? It means for me that, like, if I just stay on this path, I'm, I'm under the care of the path. That doesn't mean that things are going to go my way. It doesn't mean that pain is not going to show up, because it definitely is, 100%, you know.
Speaker 1:But I know that it's not going to be because of circumstances that I set in motion, because of my inability to take a step back, look around and make a different call in the moment and not to react so impulsively, because everything is connected to me. That's what I believe that everything is connected. My choices are connected to responses which are connected to other choices and responses. It's a chain of events. So as long as I'm on that path and I'm saying, okay, well, this choice and this action that I'm going to take, it doesn't matter what my thought is. I could be like yo, this person is a fucking piece of shit, but I'm going to be nice. The being nice part is what dictates how my life is going to go, versus if I think the person's a piece of shit.
Speaker 1:Now do I have to get lost in the weeds, like, oh, am I being real or am I not being real? Am I being genuine? Am I not being genuine? I don't get involved in those conversations. I treat people the way I treat them, and that's it. They can interpret it however they want. They can make up whatever story that they want. They can interpret it however they want. They can make up whatever story that they want to make up, and it's totally fine. Like I know what my own motives are. I know what my own thoughts are. Like, even if I thought somebody was a piece of shit and there's plenty of them out there but that guy's a piece of shit. I'm like you know what. I'm a little bit of a piece of shit too. So it's okay, I don't think I'm better than them. Okay, keep going.
Speaker 1:How might my life be changed if I make a decision to turn it over to my higher powers? Care, it's already been changed because things are unfolding. You know, god has a better plan for me. This path, all right. The spiritual path, the path of good, the path of love that's why I call it the God path. Good, orderly direction has better plans for me than I could have ever imagined for myself. I wouldn't even think of the. There's no way I would have. I would have ended up where I'm at now on my own.
Speaker 1:I'm like, oh, I want that thing and I need that thing, yeah, anytime I'm in that situation, it always ends up biting me in the ass when I think I know what's best for me, I just get to be, you know, taking care of the more that I just try and just be the best version of myself to everybody and then just let life unfold. Now it doesn't mean I don't strike when the iron's hot, like, yeah, when it comes to stuff, I execute, you know when, if I can, most of the time I can, if I boom. But I execute with love and with respect and, yeah, that's always my motive and it's funny because the people who don't live like that, they're skeptical of how you move. That's just how it is, even sometimes. Sometimes my wife she's like skeptical, you know. I'm sure she has a reservation here or there when it comes to me, and that's fine. She's wasting her own time because, um, I don't have any, uh, I don't have anything else on my mind, and this is that's just how it is. As far as like relationship stuff goes, that's work on my relationship with God, my relationship with her and my kids or whatever.
Speaker 1:How do I allow my higher power to work in my life? You know, I allow myself to be wrong about that. I allow myself to be wrong and I allow other people to be wrong when I can. I have to show a little bit more tolerance sometimes when it comes to that stuff, because I can allow somebody to be wrong and be like and I'm like no, it's okay, don't worry about it. And then I don't want to hold that in my back pocket, for when I screw up something and they blow up on me, I'm like motherfucker.
Speaker 1:I let you go on 11 things. I did one fucking thing and you're over here being a pain in the ass, you know. Have there been keep going? Have there been times when I've been unable to let go and trust God to take care of the outcome of a particular situation? Yes, there's shit. I just went through with my wife. Let me tell you, man, a couple of medical close calls. I promise you. Like, you know, god was there.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, god is here and I'm on the path and I'm being good and all this other stuff as far as that goes, trying to maintain, and all this other stuff as far as that goes, trying to maintain, you know, look, I had a couple of bad days or whatever, where, like, I rang a bell, I rang a food bell, I rang a porn bell, like because I was just under so much pressure, you know, and that's just what it was. But I didn't, you know, I don't, you know I wasn't, I didn't let it get out of control because, even with all the help that I had, like it was too much for me. You know, it was a lot, it's a lot, and it's a lot to even allow other people to help you. That's the real measure, because I can just be like, all right, everybody come help me, I do nothing, and then I blame you. Or I can be like, no, no, I'm good, bo, I'm good, yeah, I'm good. It's like a little bit. It's a delicate balance.
Speaker 1:You know, all right, have there been times when I have been able to let go and trust God for the outcome Describe? Yes, you know, I got in and out of that wheelbarrow this past month and I did not walk away unscathed. You know I have a different perspective on life. I have a different perspective on myself. You know, when you put in those challenges, it's for you to learn, it's not for you to just go back and back. Yeah, business as usual. You know you almost lost your wife, maybe. You know, yeah, it leaves a mark. Okay, going to continue on, to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power. We must take some kind of action. Here we go.
Speaker 1:Many of us find that it works best for us to take the formal declaration on a regular basis. We may have to use the following quote from our basic text Take my will and my life, show me how to live. That's like Soundgarden, right. This seems to capture the essence of step three for many of us. However, we can certainly feel free to find our own words. Bro, I make up prayers all the time. Most of my prayers are just like God, please help me, help me know the truth. I don't have to see it. I mean, help me know it and accept the truth. There's always things that we lie to ourselves about and then you pay the price for that and you're like, well, listen, this I knew was going to happen and I just ignored it and that's fucking whack. But you know, as long as it's like 80%, not that the 20%, whatever, you know, we're always going to be a work in progress. You know, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:Many of us believe that every day we abstain from using or take suggestions from our sponsor or fellows, we are taking practical action on our decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our higher power. How do I take action to turn it over? You know, even with the meditation 20 minute now I'm on the silent meditation, 20 minute, right, which is whatever. Nobody's keeping track, but for me, you know, it is a delight and I don't really get uncomfortable anymore. I can probably. I think I'm ready for 30. You know, maybe I'll do 25 and then 30. You know to sit there, yeah, crazy. Okay.
Speaker 1:Spiritual principles moving on, in considering the spiritual principles intrinsic to step three, we focus on the surrender and willingness. Then we look at how hope translates into faith and trust. Finally, we will see how the principle of commitment is tied to the third step. Practicing the principle of surrender is easy for us when everything is going along as we'd like, we think, yeah, when everything's going your way, then it's like yeah, man, God is a motherfucker man. That's my best friend. Actually, when things are going smoothly, it's more likely that we are being lulled into a belief that we are in charge, which doesn't require much surrender. Keeping the principle of surrender to the care of God, of our understanding, alive in our spirits is essential, even when things are going well. Especially when things are going well, what am I doing to reinforce my decision? To allow my higher power to care for my, to allow my higher power to care for my will? In my life, I'm trying to ignore the demons and they be yelling, bro. They're fucking yelling.
Speaker 1:I've been on this other shit also lately. I was watching an interview I forgot with who? Oh, the guy who made American Primeval. Anyway, he was on Rogan and he's talking. You know he owns a boxing gym in LA and he's seen a lot of fighters and, like you guys know that I love fighters, but I love fighters. Fighters display the product of discipline to the highest level and dedication.
Speaker 1:You turn over your life, you turn over. That's what Chris Eubank, who I've been enjoying lately, says if you give your life, you will have your life, your life. So if you give your life to something, you will get a life, but if you, basically it's almost like in the program when it says half measures avail us nothing. So, going back to this interview, he was saying that like when Bud, when a champion walks in the gym and he was using Bud or Canelo or any of these other guys he says there's a way about them that sets them aside from everybody else. And then I'm looking around in my life and I'm like I don't have that. And then I'm looking around in my life and I'm like I don't have that. I can try, but I don't have it.
Speaker 1:He's like everything is with super intention. He says just the way they even put their bag down is intentional, the way. Obviously they wrap their hands, the way that they look at people when they speak to them. Nothing is, you know, nothing is like off the cuff. So much. Everything, every step. It's almost. He's almost like saying like almost you can see it, where, like every breath, there's intention behind it, greatness, and that's discipline, and that's why they're at the highest level, because even to the smallest thing they're disciplined. It's crazy. So that's what I've been on. I've been on like what would a champion do right now? And I do that Like I'm looking at my desk right now and the desk is messy because I've been working here for the last four hours or so. The desk will be clean when I leave. Okay, moving along. We usually feel wait, what does it say? How to step two? Nah, okay, moving along.
Speaker 1:We usually feel most willing immediately following a surrender. Willingness often comes in the wake of despair or struggle for control, basically, pain. All of a sudden it's like finally, you're bottoming out Like, all right, please, what did I say? Jesus, take the wheel. You know we can practice the principle of willingness though, before it becomes necessary and possibly save ourselves some pain. That's important.
Speaker 1:In what ways have I demonstrated willingness in my recovery so far. Well, I go to meetings every day when I tell myself I don't want to go, that I go more on those days and on regular days. And that's the truth. And meetings and calling my sponsor and asking for help and calling my friends and you know, bouncing parts of my life off of them. So that way I I can't trust my own interpretation of the facts. And the truth is, even if I'm right, it's okay, I'd rather have. I'm much better off having confirmation that I'm on the right track than me making some impulsive emotional response to life, you know.
Speaker 1:Next question am I fighting anything in my recovery? What do I think would happen if I became willing to let recovery prevail in that area of my life? Yeah, I mean, I've been fighting some responsibilities that I've been lacking on, mostly when it comes to my work, mostly when it comes to my work, because you got to be brave, to have tough conversations with people and to pay what you owe. You got to be brave and you know that sucks, I'm paying for it and they're just little things, but they all matter and I need some time to clean up my side of the street instead of letting things build up and not like over months, I mean over years. They're so small that over years they build up being like oh brother, you could be making a fucking million dollars if you just straighten these things out that you should have been doing all along the way, because you're not doing anything wrong. You're doing a lot of things right, but here you are, you know, stuck in this cycle of like. I'll do it tomorrow, you know, okay, keep going.
Speaker 1:There's a spiritual progression from hope to faith to trust in the third step. As we begin step three, we carry with us a sense of hope that was born in us as we worked. The second step, second step is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Is it possible I don't have all the information and I don't have all the answers that there's someone or something outside of my being that can help me solve my problems? Hope springs from the knowledge that our life is full of possibilities. There are no hard certainties yet, but just the first whispers of anticipation that we just may be able to fulfill our heart's deepest desires. Lingering doubts fade as hope becomes faith. Faith propels us forward into action. Like all right, I believe this is going to work. That's what faith is we actually do the work that those we have faith in are telling us is necessary if we are to achieve what we want. What do we want? I want peace of mind. I don't want to. I know that life is going to be. You know there's going to be waves, but there's enough waves in the pool. I don't need to be making any more All right. In the third step, faith gives us the capacity to actually make a decision and carry that decision into action.
Speaker 1:Trust comes into play after faith has been applied. That's right. We have probably made significant progress toward fulfilling our goals. Now we have evidence that we can influence the course of our lives through taking positive action, that we can influence the course of our lives through taking positive action. It doesn't mean it's guaranteed to work out, but you have a lot of influence and a lot of agency in your life. You know, okay. How have hope, faith and trust become positive forces in my life? We already covered that. Blah, blah, blah, these questions we already spoke about. What further action can I take to apply the principles of hope, faith and trust in my recovery and in my life? What evidence do I have that I can trust confidently in my recovery. I have evidence that, like you know, I'm scared for the waters to be completely calm, because what's going to become of me, you know. You know I'm scared for the waters to be completely calm, because what's going to become of me, you know, if I actually get my act all the way together, who will I be? Somebody, without excuses, you know. Okay, oh, we're almost there. Okay, let's see how much. Oh, we're almost there. Okay.
Speaker 1:The principle of commitment is the culmination of spiritual process, of step three. Making the decision to turn it over and over again, even when our decision doesn't seem to be having any positive effect, is what this step is all about. So, just continuing to do the next right thing, regardless if you don't get an immediate response from life, or from your partner, or from your workers, or from your boss, or from whomever a family member, you don't get like an immediate response, like an immediate response. Hold on, my wife is looking for me, requesting my location. Okay, boom, okay, ba-ba-ba-ba, okay. We can practice the spiritual principle of commitment by reaffirming our decision on a regular basis and by continuing to take action that gives our decision substance, meaning, for instance, working the rest of the steps. That's a big decision, because the next step is a motherfucker man. We're going to start taking some inventory. We're going to start finding. It's a fact-finding and a fact-facing thing. Yeah, okay, moving on, as we get ready to go on to step four, we'll want to take a look at what we've gained by working step three. Writing about our understanding of each step as we prepare to move on helps us internalize the spiritual principles connected to it.
Speaker 1:Question do I have any reservations about my decision to turn my will and my life over to God's care? I don't have reservations, but I get cold feet sometimes, and that's the truth. I get cold feet. Do I feel like I am now ready to turn it over? One area at a time, one area at a time? And I need to turn it all the way over, not just a little bit. How does my surrender in the first step help me win the third step? Oh, the first step surrender. Yeah, I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable. That's what's going on right now. My life is unmanageable, you know. Yeah, good thing it's. The essentials are more than taken care of, but there's a. You know, I always have something looming. I don't know about you guys, but I always, if I'm honest with you, honest with I always have something looming. We wind up. Wait, yeah, we wind up. We wind up our work on step three with an increase at a level of our freedom.
Speaker 1:If we've been through this step, we are profoundly relieved to realize that the world will go on just fine without our intervention. The responsibility of running everything is a huge burden and we're happy to lay it down. We may feel comforted that a loving God is caring for our will and our lives, letting us know in subtle ways that the path we're on is the right one. We've seen our old ideas for what they were and are willing to let go of them and allow change to happen in our lives. We may even find that we're willing to take some risk we never had the courage to take before. Is this very apropos? Because we're secure in the knowledge of our higher powers care for us? Some people pause before making major decisions and ground themselves in their own spirituality. We look to the source of our strength, invite our higher power to work in our lives and move forward.
Speaker 1:Once we're sure we're on the right track, now we need to take another step along the path of recovery, a step that makes the third step decision real. It's time to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We'll start that next week. I'm about to see, you know, attitudes, actions, responses, behaviors that take me off the path. That's what I'm about to see. You know, I haven't done a real inventory in so long. I do like little ones here in Amp, bank, amp, but not like a real one. And whatever is going to be on the pages, I'm going to do it live. You know, there's some you know, and that's it. Leave no stone unturned. You know, obviously taking into consideration other people in my life, like maybe my kids and my wife, to make sure I don't really get too crazy on this show, but in a general way, you know, find out exactly. I'm about to check my own temperature.
Speaker 1:So share, like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Don't forget to tell your friends about us, the Sober Experience, on our YouTube page as well. And you know, sometimes it takes a minute for those episodes to upload on YouTube only because I always use copyrighted music and I don't give a fuck, because I'm not here to make money so they can demonetize, because I'm not even monetized. This actually cost me money all the time, not just money, I mean, it cost me time. I bought equipment or whatever. This is one of the things I love to do most. I mean, today we went. You know, today I went swimming with the polar bears was an incredible experience. The water was choppy, wavy. It was St Paddy's Day. We dressed up in green, some of us had green beads on, along with my gold chains, and, um yeah, man, the president was in the building. Anyway, I love you guys. I'll see you, uh, next week. Peace.