The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Heartfelt Reflections on Thanksgiving and Healing
What if Thanksgiving brought unexpected waves of emotion instead of just turkey and laughter? This episode takes you on a raw and heartfelt journey through the highs and lows of the holiday season, exploring the emotional complexities of spending Thanksgiving with family after losing a loved one. Through personal stories, I share the unpredictable challenges of mental health, highlighting how sobriety provides the tools to face thoughts of relapse and self-harm, even when life seems good on the surface. The episode invites listeners to reflect on their own journeys of recovery and personal growth.
Personal responsibility and integrity in recovery are at the forefront as we navigate the impact of our actions on those we love. The conversation delves into counseling sessions that reveal the struggle of self-destructive habits, and the importance of making small changes, like managing weight to improve relationships. Balancing family, work, and fitness commitments becomes a metaphor for aligning actions with values, demonstrating the continuous process of self-improvement. Listeners are encouraged to embrace change and seek guidance from those who have navigated similar paths.
Cold water swims transform into a metaphor for life's rewarding challenges, as I discover moments of joy akin to a serotonin boost. Through these experiences, the upcoming family baby shower in North Carolina becomes a symbol of new beginnings and joyful gatherings. This episode offers an invitation to like, share, and subscribe, with a reminder that recovery is not just about overcoming struggles, but about finding genuine growth and fulfillment in the journey. Tune in for an episode that promises a blend of heartfelt stories and valuable insights into the transformative power of change.
What up? Welcome back Sober experience. Boo, just getting into the groove, into the mood a little bit. Welcome back sober experience, as I have friggin water. Look, uh, in my uh palate. Yeah, uh, don't forget, like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Make sure you share the episodes with your friends and family. I hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1:My Thanksgiving was pretty awesome. It was pretty good. You know. I went and I saw my family as I have gotten older, so has my parents, so have my parents and they.
Speaker 1:Normally I used to go to North Carolina to see my cousin Melinda every Thanksgiving, the crumplers. But you know, ever since my sister passed away, yeah, we don't, you know, I don't like to leave my mom. I left her the year afterwards, like, oh, I'm going to North Carolina because I was doing it for so long, for like 20 years, and then even that year when I went down there, you know it was just not anybody's fault, but just the energy was off. It was like a little bit funky, you know, but whatever, anyway, no need to get into that. Um, yeah, but the what was the truth? The truth is is that, um, I think it was also because, you know, psychologically, like you know, my sister had passed away and my mom was without any children on Thanksgiving. So I was like, all right, well, guess what? I'm going to have to put an end to that. So since then I have, you know, I've been hanging around, hanging around, but I will be going down to North Kakalaki this weekend because my little cousin, devin Kromple, is having a baby and having a baby shower, and I'm proud of him. So I'm going to fly out on Friday and that's the deal, and I'll be back maybe Sunday. So I won't be swimming on Sunday, I'm going to be swimming today.
Speaker 1:Today is really fucking cold out. Let me check the weather. It's 29. Not bad, not bad, bo 29. By the time we get in the water, it's going to be 37 degrees. So not bad, 37 degrees. I'm sure the water is going to be fucking bricks, yeah. So there's that.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, what I'm saying is that, like I had a great holiday, I didn't super overdo it with the food, which is fine. I mean, I gave myself license to do whatever, but I've been pretty consistent, you know, been pretty consistent. So there's that. What had happened was number one. We got a surprise visit, yeah, a surprise guest for thanksgiving, which was fucking incredible, that everybody is still like, whoa, this guy's back around nice. Yeah, and you know, and it's beautiful to see people on their own evolution. You know, nobody arrives, we're all on our way. I think that's the whole key. You know, the whole key. Just when I think I've arrived, there's more, more is being revealed, and that's beautiful, anyway.
Speaker 1:So I'm saying that to say I don't know why, but on Friday, the Friday after Thanksgiving, dude, I woke up and I went. So I did like all the things on Thanksgiving. I woke up, I went to the gym, I worked out pretty good, uh. Then I went to a meeting. Then I went and picked up my family, drove to my mom, came home at a reasonable hour. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I woke up on Friday with the most severe I wouldn't say the most severe, but a very severe bout of depression. It was fucking brutal. I mean, it was fucking brutal and there was no escape. There was no escape. I had to. Yeah, there was no escape, you know. And it didn't matter how much I prayed, didn't matter how much I meditated, it didn't matter if I did this, did that, did whatever. None of it mattered. That shit was hanging on the good thing and the bad thing about the disease of alcoholism, which is what we've been going through with this step. Work is basically like a severe form of mental and emotional affliction combined with a chemical dependency. Once you ring that bell, it's a fucking vicious thing to live with. So I'm saying that to say that it doesn't matter how well I treat myself, except for you know the days it will meet you, wherever you are, it will meet. You know, I had a pretty good work week. I have some pretty good stuff going on. There's a lot of responsibility stuff going on. That's a little bit overwhelming, but it's OK as far as work and stuff goes uh. But other than that, you know, my life is uh, my life is very, very good. So what I'm saying is that, like it doesn't matter the circumstances when this thing shows up and it showed up, and I was I was just in a dude. Yeah, it was bad, it was bad, I was just in a dude. Yeah, it was bad, it was bad. I was getting off the highway by my shop.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing when you're in recovery, it doesn't mean that you never think or contemplate drinking, drugging, hurting yourself, hurting somebody else. It doesn't mean that those thoughts don't exist, but you know, you learn how to separate, you know, those feelings from reality. That, no, I just want this. I just don't want to be uncomfortable where I am. So I just want to leave the moment. I don't really want to drink, I don't really want to, you know, burn down my life in all these other ways. You know, I just don't want to be who I am at the moment, where I am at the moment, regardless of what's going on. Circumstances don't really matter.
Speaker 1:So I'm saying that to say, you know, yeah, I was getting off the highway and I was like, dude, I could drink right now and just decimate everything. And I don't mean like I'll burn my life down right away, I mean I will light the fire that will burn my life down eventually. And I was getting off the highway and I was by myself and what did I do? I just did what my habits dictate, which is number one don't, um, you know, don't beat myself up for even having those thoughts. Number two uh, call, make some phone calls.
Speaker 1:I called my sponsor and I think some of it's related. I don't know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why it came. I know that it wasn't because of anything that I was doing, and that's the thing. There's a difference between letting my life play out and me having a hand in the destruction. I have a severe tolerance for accepting what's going on in life, you know not saying that I'm unbothered, but when life is going bad, it's just life going bad. It's not me making my life bad by not doing everything I'm supposed to be doing or doing things that I'm not supposed to be doing. So it wasn't that, but you know. So I call I call my sponsor because I was like dude in the last few days.
Speaker 1:You know I've I've count counseled Is that the right word? Counseled? I counseled a couple of men who have really been burning their fucking life down and living in a way that I don't live. You know they've been doing some foul shit and I know because I'm a foul person, so I'm not judging them, but I'm like dude, just so you know. That ain't the fucking way. You know you can't be.
Speaker 1:They call it staying clean and living dirty. You just can't, can't be doing that. You know now there's other people who are better equipped to help you. Stop doing that Me. I'm just going to be like oh, you need to get some help, you need to go to some meetings, you need to change your life, you know, because guys who were calling me that were on their like last leg, like, oh man, I want to drink today. You know, know, I did this to my credit. I'm this much in debt I've been had, you know, my wife caught me having an affair months ago and like it's like all this other shit. I'm like, oh, so you set the stage for how you feel you did that and um, so I was just like, brother, you need to just go to a meeting, and that's it. Don't drink, go to a meeting, sit up front, you know, and that's it. Start walking back on this path.
Speaker 1:It's like, the more you deviate from the path, eventually you have to walk the path. You have to walk the path to fucking God, bro, that's what it is to get that relief, to live in that relief, not to just get it sparingly here and there by like, oh, I'm doing the right thing, more like I'm being the right person, and then you get to live in that and then so, anyway. So I had a couple of like, maybe Wednesday, like yeah, like a few days of just like having that kind of stuff enter into my psyche and it doesn't trigger me in any way because, you know, any type of me wanting to act out in those kind of ways is just like a passing thought, where I, just as I was explaining before, I know not to entertain those thoughts in any serious way because they're built on delusion and illusion and the illusion that whatever is going on is going to go on forever and the delusion that me acting in my own self-interest is going to make any of that go away. Now it will change the course of my life in ways that I don't want it to change, because they're painful. Painful meaning it's going to affect other people. And then when I affect other people in a negative way and it's not on accident, it's hard for me to live with that stuff anymore.
Speaker 1:Even now, like I've been doing these um, you know my wife has been complaining not complaining, but she's been letting me know that's the difference between that and complaining that I've been snoring crazy. You know I've been snoring crazy and so I got these breath strips and whatever and I can. You know it's fine. But you know, whatever they're like, yeah, they're like these nasal strips. They don't work that good.
Speaker 1:I put some Vicks Bay Peru in my nostrils and but I have to tell you, you know, when I woke up and she was on the couch like what's going on? She's like, yeah, you've been snoring a lot, it's very bad, and whatever you do it, I felt fucking horrible. I don't know why I felt horrible, but I was like, wow, I feel horrible, I'm disturbing this person's sleep, you know because. And then I started wearing them and then I did good, and then what happened? I was like, oh, I'm doing so good, let me just stop. And I stopped and then within two days, I was back to the fucking, you know, to the jackhammer in the fucking bedroom, and not in the good way, you know. So you know I'm thinking like, okay, I have to. And then I've just been very consistent since then.
Speaker 1:And, um, I think it's because I put on some weight. Since I started testosterone, I put on like 7, 8 pounds. No, maybe almost 10. I'm about 188, 189, because I've just been enjoying lifting and not doing any cardio and that is stopping. I'm getting myself on a little bit more of a cardio regimen. I got on the Peloton once, which was good. I ran a couple of miles yesterday, I think, which is good. I'm going swimming in the ocean today.
Speaker 1:I'm putting back together my work stuff. Um, you know, I'm putting back together my work stuff, so, um, yeah, but I have to really get back cardio into the, into the thing. You know what I mean. So that's where we're at, hold on. Let me just send this to my wife today I have time. I'm just saying the future, and she wanted me to pick up something for her and I was like, okay, I said, but just so, you know, put Adrian, my other kid, on the list to pick up stuff too, just in case there are days that I can't do it. And she's like I'll go today if you don't have time. I said, no, I have time. I'm just saying you know, there's another person with a car sleeping across the hallway from you that's not doing fucking anything. So there's that. Okay, let's see where are we. Okay, we're almost at the end of step two Spiritual principles. I hope this is where we are.
Speaker 1:In the second step. We will focus on open-mindedness, willingness, faith, trust and humility. The principle of open-mindedness that we find in the second step arises from the understanding that we cannot recover alone, that we need some kind of help. Oh man, yeah, absolutely. It continues with opening our minds to believing that help is possible for us. It doesn't matter whether we have any idea of how this power greater than ourselves is going to help, just that we believe that it's possible. Yeah, that's the whole point of my life. Is it possible that, a I don't have all of the information and, b that there's, there are people out there that can help me and there's the love of people that can help me live with these demons that I live with? And you know they're serious, they are. So I, you know, I just had to believe in the beginning that it is possible, that maybe I don't have it all figured out, all right.
Speaker 1:Question why is having a closed mind harmful to my recovery? It's a. Having a closed mind is harmful to my life. It doesn't matter where it is, it's just I have to be open to all possibilities at all times. It doesn't mean that I have to subscribe to them. It doesn't mean just, I have to be open to all possibilities at all times. It doesn't mean that I have to subscribe to them. It doesn't mean that I have to entertain them, but I have to be open to them and, honestly, because it just makes me feel better when I'm like that. It's not even that. It makes me feel better. I feel worse when I'm not like that, when I think that I have all the answers and I start to believe my own bullshit. Yeah, let me know how that works out. Next question how am I demonstrating open mindedness in my life today? Honestly, by considering other people as people, that their thoughts and their feelings, even if they're allowed to be wrong, but they matter to them, so I can give people a little bit more leeway with my time and not just make pretend that I'm interested. But you know, maybe be a little bit curious. Interested is a strong word for me, but I can be curious that I can live with.
Speaker 1:Okay, in what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery? Do I believe more changes are possible? The most important thing is that I've been I always call it walking the path. I've been on this path for a while and the path is not straight. And the path is not straight. The path is kind of like if you look at, you know, the record of like the S&P 500 or the stock market, and they're like, oh yeah, since 1930, it's like, you know, flying, but year by year, dude, there's peaks, there's valleys, there's recessions, there's depressions, there's all of that stuff, but it's all. You're all on the way, you know.
Speaker 1:And I got that idea from this other guy. This guy I forgot his name, I think it was Harold that I was listening to speak and I was like, yeah, that's like what my recovery is, where I do good. And then I feel like, okay, I've gotten to this plateau, I'm going to take the fucking wheel right now. And then I take the wheel and all I do is drive either straight, which means I do not progress, or I start to make a u-turn and start crashing down, or whatever. And then I'm like, all right, I'm gonna give the wheel back up, and I give it back up and then I climb even higher, provided that I learned the lesson from the ditch, you know. But if I'm not learning the lesson from the ditch, and I think it's everybody else's fault that I'm this perpetual victim and they're all out to get me and I'm just a, you know, a bad, I got the short end of the stick on the circumstance, fucking baseball field, or whatever. Yeah, then I'm not open. I'm not open to learning and changing the only thing that I can, which is myself, you know, that's the only thing that I can.
Speaker 1:Okay, practicing the principle of willingness in the second step may begin simply. At first, we may go to meetings and listen to other recovering addicts share about their experiences with this step True. Then we may begin applying what we hear to our own recovery. Of course, we ask our sponsor to guide us. Guide, it's a strong word. Somebody who's been where you've been is telling you hey, look, I don't know exactly where you're going to step, but I know that we're walking this way, I'm a guide and you're going to have your own experience. And which is wild because, like you know, people, like I said, the, the people who I spoke to, who I just happened to, who happened to ask me for help during this week, you know that have these like very severe issues. Um, you know, I love them and they're welcome. But, yeah, I can only just say, hey, look, man, this is the way I'm walking. You want to walk this way. You can walk this way and say what?
Speaker 1:Okay, question, what am I willing to do to be restored to sanity? I'm willing to go to any length, which is what some of these people ask of you, like are you willing to go to any length? Yes, um, yeah, I'm willing to go to any length. I'm willing to give up everything, and that's the truth. I'm willing to give up everything, everything I have, everything I am. I'm willing to surrender it all To be, yeah, to be right Not right in the wrong way, but to be on the right path, meaning that there's some people I'm going to have to leave behind and there's some experiences I'm going to have to leave behind, and there's some experiences I'm going to have to leave where they are. And there's whether it's professional, personal relationships, romantic relationships, you know, ideas, old ideas. I'm going to have to leave them as old ideas. If they're not old, then they are still just regular, bright ideas, which I don't have a lot of those. Is there something that I'm now willing to do that I was previously unwilling to do? What is it? I think I'm more open to accepting advice and perspective from my wife than I was before, because, just because my life is manageable in ways that hers is not, and vice versa outside perspective of what's going on with somebody, from somebody who, I believe, has my best interests at heart, you know I'm open to that. Okay, keep going.
Speaker 1:We can't just sit back and wait to feel sense of faith when working step two. We have to work at it. One of the suggestions that has worked for many of us is to act as if we had this faith. How would you behave, even if you don't believe that God is taking care of you? How would you behave and how would you feel if you acted as if he was taking care of you and that could change your perspective? This doesn't mean that we should be dishonest with ourselves. That's true. You know I'm down with fake it till you make it. You know I'm down with that. You know my behavior matters more than anything else, more than anything else on this earth. My behavior matters regardless of how I felt on Friday when I was in that fucking hole. It was bad, it didn't matter what I thought or what I felt, and the only thing that mattered was what I did. And apparently I took all the right steps and I did all the right things and I made it through and I started to feel better. And I made it through and I started to feel better. Now I feel like better. I'm at like 80%.
Speaker 1:We don't need to lie to our sponsor or to anyone else where we are with this step. We're not doing this to sound good or to look good. Acting as if simply means living as though we believe that what we hope for will happen. I like that. Acting as if simply means living as though we believe that what we hope for will happen In the second step. This would mean living as though we expect to be restored to sanity. True, there is a variety of ways this may work in our individual lives.
Speaker 1:Many members suggest that we can begin acting as if by going to meetings regularly and taking direction from our sponsor, my first sponsor, andy. He used to tell me to do shit and he would just always end it with just to show you're willing do this, just to show you're willing do this, just to show you're willing do this, just to show you're willing do this. And these are things that you don't see immediate results from, but you get them by just starting to live this way. Okay, what action have I been taking to demonstrate my faith? Okay, what action have I been taking to demonstrate my faith? Honestly, by just being honest. Honestly, by just being honest about things with myself and with my people and with my sponsor and with everyone who's trying to help me. Yeah, when I'm scared, I let you guys know that I'm scared. When I'm anxious, I let you know that I'm anxious. When I'm happy, I let you guys know that I'm happy. So, yeah, and I'm doing that because, yeah, I have faith that I'm going to get all the help that I need.
Speaker 1:I can't even imagine how I was living before, where my, my thoughts, the pressure of having to be right all the time, having to have me believing that I had to have the right all the time, having to have me believing that I had to have the answers, all the time that I had to know the way, all the time I almost like suffocated under that. Yeah, how has my faith grown? Just from experience, it's exponential, but just from experience, my faith has grown a lot. You know experience of going through things. Sometimes I would go over them, sometimes I'd go around them and then eventually they would keep popping up and then I would just go through them and I would learn what I need to do. You know you can only jump so many hurdles, you know, but also you can't go through them and I would learn what I need to do. You know you can only jump so many hurdles, you know, but also, you can't go through everything at one time. You know it took me a long time to get my act together, and that's the truth.
Speaker 1:Okay, have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way? Yes, now I have. Um, I've been able to do that, but you know, I still I still deviate a little bit. Um, you know, I have to watch out for procrastination, you know, which is basically a form of low self-esteem where I don't believe that I deserve what I'm getting, or I don't deserve to do what I'm doing, or I don't want the responsibility of any of that. So I just fucking bullshit my way. So I create the storm that I'm scared is gonna happen. I create it by doing that. So, and I have to talk to myself all the time and just say, okay, do it now, no matter what, do it now, do it now. And when I do that, most of the time I have really, really, really good days. They're tough, meaning that like there's a battle. There is a fucking battle every day, but the results are very, very good and I am in the results business. That's what business I am in. I am in the results business.
Speaker 1:You know, when I ran the other day on the treadmill, I didn't go crazy. I ran like two miles and I knew like once I broke a sweat I would just feel better about myself. And it took me like a mile to actually break a sweat. Then I felt good. I was like I knew that but I had to earn it. That sweat wasn't going to happen on its own. I can cheat myself and run into the sauna and start sweating Like yeah, I'm sweating. Like no, the heat made me sweat, not me making me sweat.
Speaker 1:When I'm involved in that part of the process, it's like a metaphor for the rest of my life. Like I have to earn that. It's like a metaphor for the rest of my life. Like I have to earn that. And when I earn it, it's not a serotonin hit, it's a serotonin fucking bomb that lasts throughout the rest of the day and that's what I get by swimming in this cold water. You know what I mean. So that's what I'm about to go do right now. Anyway, I love you guys, like, share, subscribe on all podcast platforms and we'll see you guys, maybe a week from now, depending on when I get back from North Carolina, I think it's going to be a gay old time. Okay, peace.