The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Embracing Warmth Amid Winter: Thanksgiving Memories and Finding Purpose
Ever bundled up against a biting New York winter, chasing camaraderie and cannabis through the bustling streets? That nostalgic pursuit of connection amid the cold mirrors the warmth and complexity of holiday gatherings, where the challenge of balancing work commitments and family traditions looms large. I invite you to join me on a journey through past Thanksgiving memories, as we navigate family dynamics, prepare beloved dishes like my wife's celebrated baked mac and cheese, and cherish the evolution of these festive moments. Whether it’s a lavish spread or a simple tortellini salad, the essence lies in the shared experience and the tradition of bringing a plus one to the dinner table.
The path to sobriety often demands the discovery of a power greater than oneself—a theme that resonates through my personal stories of addiction and recovery. Addiction, a relentless force, often leads us astray, but finding something just as strong to counterbalance it is vital. I delve into my own journey of acknowledging and embracing a higher power, grappling with the misunderstood workings of the addict mind, and finding solace in the acceptance of guidance beyond our own understanding. It’s not about theological intricacies but about what truly works to combat the cycles of temporary relief and lasting grief.
Overcoming the demons of distraction and temptation requires a steadfast commitment to a positive mindset and meaningful action. Daily struggles like procrastination and fear can be paralyzing, yet the simple act of swimming in cold water or unplugging from social media can transform inertia into momentum. Through this ongoing journey, the power of a higher purpose becomes evident, steering us from self-centeredness to a life of service and gratitude. Reflections on past mistakes serve as lessons learned, guiding us towards authenticity in our relationships and aspirations, all while grounded by the moral compass of guilt and the drive to serve those we love.
What up, welcome back. Sober experience. Vibe out, fire, bow, fire bow. Holiday time is here, feeling good. You ready, big L, rest in peace. Do you wanna mess with this? And you're one of the best. Yet We've got it. You can feel the realness In this business of rest. Go ahead, push out the gate again. Time to raise the stakes again. Bat my plate again. Y'all cats know we always play to win G&G to the star. Son Took the shit too far. Son Hat Took the shit too far. Son Haters took the shit too far. Son Hope you guys are doing great. Okay, yeah, sober experience. You know the deal.
Speaker 1:It's wintertime, man. This is like you know, in our life. This is like you know. What do you call it? These old school recovery guys used to call it like triple witching, where it was like Thanksgiving, christmas and New Year's. This is like relapse season on fucking everything. You know what I mean Relapse season on fucking everything. You know I mean relapse season on everything, and what I'm saying? What I'm saying is um, yeah, man, winter time, new york city. Um, yeah, starting to get cold out, man, which is nice. I love that, you know. And um, it's like hip hop season for me, man I used to be. I mean, I was crazy all the time, but really crazy in the wintertime because, like, when you're a young person and it's wintertime in New York and you're out there going on missions, yeah, yeah, yeah, man, hip-hop and the fucking Walkman Walking, jeez, a mile. Dude, I used to walk a mile to like the closest, was it? Yeah, yeah, maybe the closest weed spot was a mile away. Yeah, and I used to walk In the wintertime. We'd go on missions, man, everybody bundle up, we all throw in a few bucks and I'd walk into town. It was a mile away. It was the first store you saw. Maybe there were people outside there selling weed, but most likely no. Then I would go down and I would, you know, head towards my baby, where my baby mama lived. Yeah, because she lived in town. I lived outside of town so I'd walk down there, whatever, steal a bike Not too many bicycles in the wintertime, but you know, get down there. You know, and it was a good life, man, when you're like a young person, 12, 13, 14, 15. You know, no interwebs, no, nobody, I, nobody, my age had a cell phone. We all had beeper, whatever beepers and pay phones and, like you know you would send your friend like a bat signal, like yo, leave your house at like 11 30, and meet me over here and you would just walk by yourself In the blizzard and we'd go and it would be the greatest. It would be the greatest. Meet me here at this time, meet me there at this time. You know what I'm saying. You have to really earn it. Now. It's like whatever Kids get fucking death Delivered to their door like babies.
Speaker 1:So what's been going on? We're getting ready for thanksgiving this week. Everybody I don't know what other people's uh, what do you call it? What their holiday is going to be like, as far as you know, being with family. I'm not going to be with my cousins that much. Maybe I'll try and see them over the weekend. I'm going to be with my mom, my wife, two of my kids. I got a lot of work stuff going on like really really good stuff, and it's hard to stay focused, it's hard to stay disciplined when things are going really well. That's when I have to stay close. So, entonces y también. Yeah, that's what I got going on. I don't know what I'm going to beg my wife to make to bring to my mom's house.
Speaker 1:My wife makes the best baked mac and cheese, like as far as like a holiday dish. The problem is is that it doesn't fucking travel well, so you got to bring it there and then put it in the oven. And she does one of them with, like like smoked Gruyere. She did it one time because I guess we ran out of whatever she doesn't. It's just ridiculous. That's all that it is. It's fucking ridiculous. So I'm going to pray that she'll make that Likely, not so much If that's the right, even terminology. Yeah, it's unlikely she'll do it because she's studying for finals. You know, kind of shit. So then I might have to just bust out the gabagool. No, I make a tortellini salad, which is just cold tortellini cucumbers, you know, you get those formaggio mozzarella balls, you throw them in there, what else? Chop up some soup rosette and you make like a cold, like tortellini salad, nice and easy. So maybe I'll do that, and you know my mom can handle the rest. Which is cool, which is cool, and it's like. You know, as you get older the family gets splintered, and that's okay too. You know, I don't have any of these.
Speaker 1:You know, like when I was growing up, everybody Thanksgiving was like the first holiday where, like, maybe you were going to show up with somebody. Holiday where, like, maybe you were going to show up with somebody, right, you're going to bring so. And in my life, you know, dog, I always had a plus one, always. So I was bringing people to Thanksgiving since, shit, since like the eighth grade maybe. No, yeah, since around that time, like, oh, this is my chick right now, but and it was, you know, part of me was like, dude, I want to show you where I come from and why I am the way that I am. Because, um, in my house growing up, you could drink in the eighth grade. Now I'm drinking fucking creatine water. That's how far down the fucking thing I've fallen. But what can I say? Yeah, that's what I'm doing. So, yeah, I'll be bringing people all the time.
Speaker 1:You know, go here, have somebody come for dinner, go there for, go somewhere else for like dessert. You know, there was always alcohol. I would just be obliterated the whole time. Late night, drugs running wild. The whole time, late night, drugs running wild. So this type of season. I can understand why you got to be mindful, because I don't know, I just got to stay close, stay consistent with the meetings and do all of that kind of stuff. So I make sure that I fucking behave, uh, and that's that. You know. I don't think I'm not gonna relapse, but, like you know, it was a beautiful time.
Speaker 1:By this time of year, when I was younger back in the day we're talking about the 90s it was already freezing cold. Now it's not even cold. I'm going swimming tomorrow. It's going to be like in the 40s or something stupid. So there's that. And yeah, I don't understand.
Speaker 1:You know where winter has gone, but by this time I normally would have like, my pair of winter Tims. I would get a new pair of Tims every year. My wife even mentioned it yesterday. She's like, oh, she's love it. She's like, you know, because I told her I said I don't really want or need anything like in my life, just, you know, white tees. And she was like blue Yankee fitted A new Yankee hat every spring. And I was like, yes, that's true, every spring it's like clockwork. I get a new Yankee fitted, uh, seven and a half, and every winter I get a new, uh, pair of Tim's nine and a half. And, um, that's uh, that's my uniform.
Speaker 1:So I'm saying that to say that winter is gone and there's like no, even you know, there's nothing left. Those days are over. Those days are over. Those days are over. So, but my home was never during the holiday time. It was never like beefing time. Everybody just got fucked up and ate food and danced and danced, and danced and played music loud till three in the morning and people, would you know, pass out and we would take makeup and paint their faces and all kind of silly stuff and somebody post a picture on instagram. I've been doing really good, actually, speaking of instagram, this whole week. I took instagram off my phone and then just put it back on yesterday and then I saw myself already getting distracted, so I took it back off.
Speaker 1:But what I'm saying is that, um, yeah, that I uh that somebody put a picture of like a Spanish I think it was a Puerto Rican house, but it could have been any house. It was definitely my house growing up was a room with nothing but jackets on the bed. That's the way it was. It was like 40 jackets, 50 coats on the bed. That's the way it was. It was like 40 jackets, 50 coats on the bed. It was like the coat room and I would just like swim in those coats when I was a kid and people would get so fucking mad, you know, and that kind of shit and whatever, and it was just a good old time. It was a good old time but like, yeah, nobody, it was never like stuff you see on television where people are like arguing at Thanksgiving about politics, about this, about that, like nobody's, you can do that on a Tuesday, just not on a Thanksgiving day. So that's where I'm at.
Speaker 1:Let's get back to the book. I think we're still in step two. Where are we? Come on Bo. Come on Bo. I came to believe we did that. A power greater than ourselves. Okay, I think that's where we are. We're at. A power greater than ourselves, okay. Okay, geez, I'm trying to get comfortable. I'm sorry, I got a lot going on. I got a lot going on Spider. Okay, here we go.
Speaker 1:Each one of us comes to recovery with a whole new history of life experiences, of life experiences. That history will determine to a large degree the kind of understanding we develop of a power greater than ourselves. In this step we don't have to have a lot of specific ideas about the nature or identity of that higher power. That sort of understanding will come to us later. The kind of understanding of a higher power that's most important to find in the second step is an understanding that can help us. So am I willing to believe in a power greater than myself? The answer now is God is everything. But in the beginning, like, is it possible? I don't have all the answers. I'm obviously open to taking suggestions if I'm in a place where people you know, where people are really trying to help me and I'm willing to take the help. So the help that I get from other people is a concrete power greater than me, because there's things that I cannot do on my own. Okay, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Speaker 1:We are not concerned here with the theological. Is that theological, theological, theological elegance or doctrinal adherence? We just want something that works. How powerful does a power greater than ourself have to be? The answer to that is quite simple. Our addiction as a negative power was, without a doubt, greater than we are. Those impulses that we all live with, that we surrender to in those moments that come, you know it's a power greater than us.
Speaker 1:You know, if you're suffering with that, I mean I do, and I was explaining this to one of my kids that was here the other day I was like dude, you know, you build these like neuropathic pathways or whatever from when you were a little kid. That's why there's not a lot of difference between somebody who abuses themselves physically you know, whether it's cutting, or they have eating disorders or whatever, or abusing. You know drugs or gambling or whatever. You you build like these, these pathways to comfort. Um, you know, because it's the first thing that really worked, and comfort.
Speaker 1:We always say at the all the time help is not the absence of pain, that's not what help is. And what happens is like you just become so accustomed your brain gets wired like, oh, when I feel this, I do this, when this happens in my life, I do this. And when I feel this, I do this. Or you know, because you know you'll get a little bit of relief and then a whole lot of grief, because you know you'll get a little bit of relief and then a whole lot of grief and that's what that is. So, yeah, our addiction as a negative power was, without a doubt, greater than we are.
Speaker 1:Our addiction led us down a path of insanity and caused us to act differently than we wanted to behave. It doesn't say that it didn't make you feel better, but you didn't want to do better. Like I always felt better if I was lying, because I was scared to be honest and scared to know the truth. I always felt better when I stole. I never thought I was going to get enough. I didn't think I was going to be enough. I was never enough. So I lived in a very dishonest way because of that. We need something to combat that, something at least as powerful as our addiction.
Speaker 1:Okay questions. Do I have problems accepting that there is a power greater than myself? No, I do not. At the time when I first started coming to believe, I was doing begrudgingly. I had an idea that something existed, that I was getting some kind of help and I was getting some kind of maybe a little bit of relief. But I didn't have a belief like a faith or whatever. I just had a belief like yeah, like you know, I'm sure there's. You know whatever, arab kids with Down syndrome? You know, I'm sure there are. We never see any on television, we only see white people, but I'm sure there are. So I believe. But I don't like believe. If that makes sense. What are some of the? What are some things that are more powerful than I am, the demons that I live with every day mentally.
Speaker 1:I've been talking about it a lot lately because I've been keeping my disease up front. As far as you know, I have the capacity. I was talking with my boy Anthony yesterday. Far as you know, I have the capacity. I was talking with my boy Anthony yesterday. You know how we're observing other people burn their fucking life down to the ground for no reason, but they're just burning it to the ground. And, yeah, it's sad and I see it, man, and I've done it. Oh my god, it makes so much sense to me. People do not understand how the addict mind or the alcoholic mind works. You know, I can burn my whole business to the ground, I can burn my fucking marriage to the ground, all these things so easily.
Speaker 1:And I have to, you know, keep myself out of that, out of that. You know that negative place. You know when everything is going good, that's when I need God the most, that's when I need all of you guys the most, because now that it's good, it's like oh, this, this will pop up, this little distraction will pop up. Now you know, of course, when everything is going good, you know the devil shows up. I just like to give these things names. I call them demons.
Speaker 1:Man, I wake up with these demons every day and I have to face them right away. And I have to, you know, get them out of the way and be like nah, dog, you ain't winning. Today, maybe tomorrow, because I know you'll be here tomorrow, but today, no, I get up and I just, I do stuff in my life For me that is harder than my actual life. You know, like I said, I'm going to go swimming tomorrow in that cold water. Swimming in that cold water is harder than my life. So that means, when I have to answer emails and do all this other shit that I don't want to do, like very responsible, beautiful things that like, oh, we want to do this with you, we want to offer you this opportunity, you want to make this kind of money, you want to do this, that and a third, like all those things that I'll ignore. I'll ignore, you know, because for the same reason, like I'm, you know, I'm scared that one day I'll be found out, you know. So I have to.
Speaker 1:But if I fight those demons in the morning, you know, this morning I was in the sauna. It was like maybe 8, just after 8 am, 8.05, whatever, 8.10. And then this big work project that I've been working on, all of a sudden some of the wheels started coming off with some timing stuff and this and whatever, and I had to stop what I was doing and I had to go put out one fire, you know, put out another fire, put out another fire. And then I went and I saw my my God daughter play a basketball game, whatever. But you know, I wanted to hide most of those times.
Speaker 1:I had to push myself to do all of those things because, um, you know, I want things. You know my demons, my disease wants things to pile up so I can feel overwhelmed, and so I can feel like I'm a zero, and then I'm less than. And then it will say, okay, why don't you go get a whole pizza pie so you can be a fat fuck? Why don't you not do any exercise today? Why don't you like you know, why don't you find some fucking relief? And in my life I don't need any relief, all I need is results, and results only come from taking action. So I got to be like Jocko default aggressive. Just fucking do it, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward.
Speaker 1:You know, I've been in this cycle when I'm doing really good, in the cycle of like to fight my procrastination, just like, do it now, do it now, do it now, do it now I could. That's why I took the social media stuff off my phone, minus the Facebook, because you know I do get a little bit of work from there, um, but yeah, I took it off because of the doom scrolling. It's fucking bad and none of it is positive. I don't need to be the first one to know. You know that. You know this guy dropped out of the fucking race or what like, whatever, it doesn't matter. I need to fucking do what I need to do.
Speaker 1:Okay, can a power next question can a power greater than my health, greater than myself, help me stay clean? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely, because I need to rely on that power in order to take those actions. Absolutely because I need to rely on that power in order to take those actions. I need to be like look, my higher power and the love that's on this earth is going to keep me sane and knows what's good for me. And what's good for me is on the other side of that fear of doing.
Speaker 1:You know, people like what I say, people you know, put off doing things longer than it takes to actually do them. And I'm a big, that happens to me a lot. So I will make telephone calls and ask for help Not all the time anymore I don't have to, but I go straight to God and ask him. Like God, I need to fucking do this shit today and I need to do this shit right now. Like what I'm doing right now, to distract myself, is not serving me in any way and it's actually just making me feel worse. So my first sponsor, andy. He's always telling me, man, every action is either bringing it's not every thought, thoughts or whatever. They're not even real most of the time but every action is either bringing me closer to a drink or further away, you know. So there's that. So I have to just take action, take action, take action, take action, take action. Like that's what I have to do.
Speaker 1:Okay, can a power greater than myself help me recover? Yes, absolutely, because I need to recover from that hopeless state of mind. That's what the recovery thing is where I feel like I'm hopeless, a hopeless state of mind and body. They say, you know, yeah, some of us keep going. Some of us may have a very clear idea about the nature of the power greater than ourselves, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, step two is the point at which many of us begin to form our first practical ideas about a power greater than ourselves, if we haven't already. Many addicts have found it helpful to identify what a power greater than ourselves is, not before identifying what it is what it is. In addition, looking at what a power greater than ourselves can do for us may help us begin to discover more about that power. This is true. There are many, many understandings of a power greater than ourselves that we can develop.
Speaker 1:We can think of it as the power of spiritual principles. That's a very, very, very important thing, people. What are spiritual principles? Doing the next right thing, period, doing the next right thing, and it's now become a way of life for me. But initially it's contrary to every impulse that I possessed, every one of those pathways that I dug in so deep. Oh my God, I couldn't. I, impulsively, was dishonest. It's crazy, you know. We can think of it as a power of spiritual principles. Boom, the power of the NA fellowship. They call it good, orderly direction. Why people don't like the term God, good, orderly direction or anything else of which we can conceive, as long as it is loving and caring and more powerful than we are.
Speaker 1:The feeling that I get when I'm with my people is undeniable. It's very describable, like, oh, it's undescribable, no, it's very describable, but it is undeniable. Loving, caring, understanding, forgiving. You know, the forgiving part is big, the non-judgment, you know. I know people. When I was um sharing at this's anniversary I think it was a few weeks ago or maybe it was my own, I don't remember Like it's easy to say, oh, you should, you know, you got to stay close and go to meetings and do what you have to do.
Speaker 1:It's like, yeah, if you're, you know, and it's easy to say, if you're a partner, or if you're a wife, or your boyfriend, your girlfriend, whatever, if they cheat on you, then bring your ass to a meeting because you're hurt. But the truth is like, if you cannot stop cheating on them, you need to bring your ass to more meetings and to share about that. Like, dude, I can't stop cheating on my fucking wife, you know, I just can. I have an incessant desire, demand to be validated and to feel wanted in that way. You know the one, the one day that maybe your boyfriend your boyfriend is too tired or your girlfriend is too tired and they don't want to fucking bump uglies with you tired and they don't want to fucking bump uglies with you all of a sudden, right away, you're like oh well, they must not love me. You don't even have a conversation like that. It just turns into I got to get it, you're not giving it to me, I got to get it somewhere else, which is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:I used to think like that. I used to believe that, not even think. I used to think like that. I used to believe that, not even think. I used to believe that. I used to believe that. It's crazy, you know, and Not only was I hurting people, but I was robbing myself Of the experience of being Honest and being real. I was robbing myself of the experience of being honest and being real. I was robbing myself of the glory, the glory of being, you know, of not being foul, of being somebody that somebody else can trust, that they can rely on, you know, unadulterated. It was crazy because I remember I used to say all the time, when I was turning into this guy, that I am now Like dude, I don't trust women but I trust God, and it was like lip service. But if I really, after a while, if I really trusted God, I was like all right, I'm not going to fucking.
Speaker 1:It was a slow process to stop stealing or stop whatever I was doing. To stop stealing or stop whatever I was doing. You know, at the time when I'm a young person and I have three or four girlfriends at a time until I find one that I could fucking abuse and I would just stick with that one for a few months and then get another, you know, yeah, just that cycle of ego. I need more, and not even that I need it would be I need more and I am more. I am more than them. Meanwhile, I had no self-control and they were. You know, they were ahead of me in that game. Guess, so crazy. Yeah, it's a good, orderly direction. Uh say, boom, boom.
Speaker 1:Okay, as a matter of fact, we don't have to have any understanding at all of a power greater than ourselves to be able to use that power to stay clean and seek recovery. It means you don't have to understand everything that's going to happen. But if you don't pick up and you don't scratch that itch, whatever that itch is. You know, I get closer to God doing that. By just fucking being good to myself, I get closer and it's amazing, you know.
Speaker 1:Here are the questions. What evidence do I have that a higher power is working in my life, brother? When I cannot again scratch those itches, when I cannot ring those bells, when I have a good day, I just need to have good days and the good days turn into a good life, and I don't have to be on like on the beam 100% of the time. I don't have to be, but most of the time I have to be, I really have to be and I really need a connection in order to make that happen. In the beginning, everybody was babysitting me, and that was a long time ago, but now I just have people floating around to keep me on track Because I'm a sick, sick person and I'm not saying that in some self-deprecating way.
Speaker 1:Please feel bad for me. Oh, you don't understand. I'm the sick guy and whatever, and I'm a maniac Like no, I'm a fucking sick person that will decimate everything good in my life. And guess what? It's not funny. It is not funny. That is the way that I'm wired. I don't know how I haven't really participated in that stuff to a great degree in a very, very long time.
Speaker 1:But I know that it's there because periodically I get a little whisper in my ear oh you got some free time, how about this? Oh you feeling good about yourself, so you take a day off. How about this? Take a day off from going to meetings, from feeling good, from helping people or you can help people but also when nobody's around, why don't you do this? Why don't you go back to watching some's around? Why don't you do this? Why don't you go back to watching some fucking porn? Or why don't you go back to whatever it is?
Speaker 1:You know, I say the porn stuff a lot because it's not really an issue for me. It comes in and out of my life but it doesn't make me feel good when I'm done and it's 100% easily accessible. You know I have my own spaces in my life and and I can just go and do whatever I want and nobody knows but me, and that's what makes it fucked up. Nobody knows what me. You know. Same thing, yeah, nobody knows what me. Yeah, whatever other vice that I'm using to pry myself away from the good life that the Lord has given me. You know I'm saying this thing yesterday. I mean, I've won, I've earned a lot of things in my life, but the very few things that I've actually won like oh, you may have won a prize the love of my wife, my wife loving me. I won that shit. You know I did, you know I didn't, and I just have to work to keep it All right.
Speaker 1:What are the characteristics of my higher power? Does not have it, doesn't have guilt. My higher power doesn't give me guilt-free forgiveness. That would be nice If it was like oh, you know, you can hide in, like, hey, I'm making progress Progress, not perfection but it doesn't come without like some longstanding guilt. When I was talking with Anthony the other day and we were talking about these kind of things, these vices, and I'm like dude.
Speaker 1:The reason why I do my best to not pull the trigger on any of these things or to take all these actions to make sure I stay out of the lines, then, is because I know myself in ways that I can write on paper that are concrete, and one of them is this If something gives me relief and feeds my ego in any way or some, yeah, that relief, if something gives me that and if it doesn't bother me personally, I am not going to stop doing it and that's my and, regardless of how it makes anybody else feel or what it does to anybody else. If I'm getting what I need to get and there's a part of me that's supremely capable of being that selfish and self-centered, that I will not feel bad while I'm doing it, and then I'll keep doing it and keep doing it, and keep doing it, and keep doing it, until everything is burned to the ground, or everything, or my wife is fucking crying, or I'm losing all these clients, or I'm doing whatever, I'm going back to who I don't want to be anymore. Only at that point will I feel guilty. You know, that was it, I wouldn't even. You know, back in the day you feel bad. All of a sudden, when the cops are behind you, you're like holy shit, I've been living this life and those blue lights are on. Up until that point I've been. I was supremely just wrapped in self, you know. So I can no longer veer even in those directions without you know, without feeling guilty, and that guilt keeps me on the straight and narrow.
Speaker 1:Last night I was. I was trying to go to sleep and I woke up and it was like three in the morning and I don't know, because I've been, you know, sometimes been listening to CBS FM to try and keep me in a good mood, but, man, that the the no Doubt record came on the don't speak, I know what you think. Like that thing, dude, I can go down a rabbit hole of breakup and bad fucking songs just because I want to feel fucking bad and I want to be reminded of every time I made my wife cry and when I heard that that song was on loop in my head at three in the morning this morning and I just had a beautiful evening with my wife, a beautiful one, and that thing was like just reminding me of, you know, when we first started dating and we'd get into these arguments and I would say shit or I would do something. One time I broke up with her I just did, you know, and she was fucking crying on the bed and I think about that now and it fucking hurts me so bad. You know, yeah, after an argument or after whatever, I just was like nah, I can't, it's ain't it, I can't do it, and I was like swimming away, bro, she was devastated and she was crying and I was just like swimming away, bro. She was devastated and she was crying and I was just like fucking cold, yeah. And so that song was playing and it was reminding me of that day and I was like I can't even share that kind of memory with her unless I want to ruin fucking two days of my life. So I share it with you's, but that's the shit that I remember all the time to be grateful.
Speaker 1:Anytime I'm thinking of looking down on her, you know, not on purpose, but just because of my natural inclination to look down on everybody when I'm not God-centered and spiritually fit, you know. Last question what are the characteristics my higher power has? My higher power makes me feel when I'm doing the right thing. I feel like, you know, he's proud of me and I can feel that and I don't know if it's maybe because maybe I'm proud of myself, maybe that's what it is. But yeah, I feel that and I feel the love and I feel that I have trust and I have faith in him. I do, but I built it over a long period of time and I built it on plenty of stories, like I just told about my wife. Plenty of them.
Speaker 1:I was not, and not I mean not just her, but just with people in my life my parents, people who loved me, people who believed in me, people who trusted me, and I would just. You know they were all in the way. They were all in the way and now I live to serve God and to serve that goodness that I can be, that I learned how to be. I learned how to be good in recovery, how to be a good person, how to behave. A good person is somebody who behaves like a good person, not somebody who not anything other than that. If you ain't behaving good, if you ain't acting good, then you are not good.
Speaker 1:And I had to learn that Because people would give me a lot of breaks, and that's my job. My job is to give other people some breaks. You know what I'm saying. So I live to serve God and to worship and take care of my fucking wife. That's what I do. I live for that she could have it all Doesn't matter to me. I would give her everything. You know, like I said, just white tees, blue Yankee, fitted new pair of boots every year, you know.
Speaker 1:But I do. I mean a couple of things. I mean look my cigars. Time to go to the gym, time to go to meetings and what else. That's it, yeah, but I'm thinking about getting another car. But I got to do a couple of other things first before I get another car. Another old school car. I'm thinking of a Mercedes Benz 560. You know, the old ones from the 90s, early 90s or maybe a late 80s model BMW 635, the shark knows shit. I just got to find a place, uh, a place to park it, you know. So next time we speak, it's going to be gobble after gobble to your wobble. So like and subscribe on all podcast platforms, share with all your friends. I believe uh, I'm just going to say it I think there's an Alcathon over at Greenwood, 367 20th Street for Thanksgiving. So that will be cool and I might jump over there in the morning. But I'm going to finish doing what I got to do here. I love you guys and see you on the flip side. Peace.