The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Embracing Authenticity: From Political Skepticism to Faith and Generosity
Our exploration continues with a candid reflection on marriage, respect, and the shifting political landscape from the 80s and 90s. I recount my youthful disdain for political figures like George Bush and Bill Clinton, which matured into a deeper skepticism of hypocrisy in politics. Personal stories highlight the strength and understanding in my marriage and the tight-knit community that enriches our lives. A humorous party story, coupled with gym routines and a touching gesture from my wife, illustrates the love and happiness we share.
Faith and generosity take center stage as we examine Step Two of the Narcotics Anonymous program—believing in a higher power. This segment delves into the challenges of embracing belief without evidence and the trust necessary for recovery. Acts of generosity, from tipping at delis to helping those in need, serve as expressions of faith and abundance, emphasizing that giving not only supports others but also fosters gratitude and empathy within ourselves. These experiences illuminate the interconnectedness of faith and kindness in our everyday lives.
I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us, you're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you, how it's going to begin, I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you, a world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from. There is a choice of the team.
Speaker 2:What up, sober Experience, welcome back. You are now tuned to the sound of Jay Electronica. Yeah, please, remove all coins, chains and foreign objects from your pockets. You'll have a good time tonight. What up, everybody. Welcome back Sober Experience. You know, know the deal. Like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Don't forget to share these episodes with your friends. And we are back in bidnick.
Speaker 2:Yeah, man, it's, uh, sunday night. I just finished a full day of work. I've been working every day, um, except for yesterday. You know, yesterday took some I don't know what I say a time off, whatever, dog, when you are living your dream and you are living your life, there are no days off, and that is a gift. I don't. I could work every day, do my thing every day, and I'm not missing anything. I make time to do what I need to, whenever I want to, yeah, spend time with my family. You know, I make sure everybody's in good shape, and that's it. Man is in good shape, and that's it, man.
Speaker 2:So it's nice to not be just, you know, trapped in. You know, trapped in somebody else's life, bro, and that's what I've been seeing. A lot of it. I think it was yesterday or the day before I had to get rid of I wouldn't say get rid of, but get rid of on my phone, my Instagram and my twitter, which I lived on because, um, you know a couple of things. Obviously, all the political craziness. Well, people are just like fucking miserable, no matter what you know, no matter what they, just they find something to be miserable about. And I don't have the, I don't number one. I don't fight with people online about politics. I I just fucking don't. You know you want to say something to me. You could say it to me, and a lot of times I just be like okay, like it don't matter to me.
Speaker 2:Dog, you know, in this cycle I was a bobby kennedy guy. Everybody knows that. Whoever listens knows. So, dog, I won, my team won. What the fuck else I'm gonna do? Go out there and just lose by just creating enemies and rubbing it in people's faces and whatever, and like, dude, you know, I I lend a kind ear to uh people who are in distress.
Speaker 2:In general, I do that and then I just be like well, are you uh open to maybe you not being right? And? And if you are not, then I don't really have a lot of space for that in my life, because I am open to being wrong about a lot of things, about everything. I'm open to being wrong about everything and that's why I am who I am In my life, in my fucking community, in, yeah, the people that that know me, they're not like, oh, this guy's humble, like whatever it's like no dude, I mean. They know that I try to behave with humility, you know, like I don't have to, I don't have to. You know I'm saying I don't have to be somebody else. There's nobody that can take anything from me, and that's like real freedom.
Speaker 2:You know I was talking um my wife's, my wife has a little uh, cousin I guess you want to call him that and I was talking to him yesterday and, uh, you know he's got like his his feet in, uh, you know he's got like his feet in you know, financial services world. And you know I was like, oh, you know it's, it's funny because, like my wife's family is is not super close in that way, or we are just, you know, slowly, a little bit at a time, being introduced to them in a healthy way, and you know, so this guy doesn't know anything about me and I'm like they're at a little kid's birthday party. This is small, you know, this one was small, the one two weeks ago was like fucking, that was incredible. But that one was big, the one that was in the trap. Anyways, a different setting, most of the same people.
Speaker 2:So I'm a dog, I'm like a little butterfly man. I float around, I float around, I get to know people. You know, it's part of who I am. I sit on the floor, I play with the little kids. It was like a three-year-old's birthday. What's better than a little three-year-old girl, than another little three-year-old girl fighting over fucking toys? You know, I mean, it's like beautiful, like yeah, man, let him, let him go for it anyway.
Speaker 2:So this kid, the, the father of the of the birthday girl, he's a young man, he's like 26 and he's in the financial services world and I was like, oh, you know, I have a lot of like imposter syndrome. I do, and it sucks, because it's sometimes it stands in the way of me being helpful and a lot of times I jump out the window and maybe try to be helpful and then I feel embarrassed and then I just apologize. You know, and that's how that happened, like you know, talking about you know, because he's got to study for some licenses or whatever. He has a bunch of them, you know, one that he's got to get is one that I already had, you know. So I know, uh, you know, I know what it takes to pass that thing or whatever, or what what he's going through.
Speaker 2:It's funny because my wife makes fun of me, because anybody who knows me on an intimate level Past, present or future they know that I do not cry. I do not like tears do not come out of my eyes. You know I may be sad or very happy on the inside. I was almost crying at my wedding. Actually that was the best day of my life up to now. Life, brother, was everything. Anyway, I'm saying that to say that she makes fun of me because she asked me one time.
Speaker 2:The last time I cried I was 20 years old and I was studying for this exam that this kid has to take. I was under so much pressure and I had a half a bundle a day heroin habit and I was doing all this stuff Meanwhile like dude. I, you know, I did it all on dope so, which is wild in itself, and I passed the test on the first time, but anyway, there was one moment I was like, under all this pressure that I was putting on myself and the environment that I was in the firm that I was working for, they were like, you know, I drank the Kool-Aid and I mean, yeah, I really did, anyway. So there was a point where, like, I just broke down crying on my parents like porch. I was like studying and studying and it was so stupid. But there was like no internet. So now these kids they can watch youtube videos and whatever. So I don't even know how helpful I could be to somebody in any way.
Speaker 2:But back then, dude, you either knew this shit or you didn't, and you read it out of a fucking book and I was like, so I told him. I said this one part of the exam I know up down right cold like an animal because of the jobs that I had. So even when the firm that I worked at, I taught everybody that one part of the test and at that time it was like 40 percent of the test, which was weird. So if you studied that one part, basically is options trading Right? So if you studied options and then you studied like the regulatory stuff, msrb, rules, and then like bonds or something, you could just let the rest of that shit go. And then, because if you get 70 is as good as 100, you know, it's just pass, fail, whatever, so anyway. So I was telling him, I was like, dude, oh, I had a seven, you know.
Speaker 2:And then we just start, you know, start chatting it up. And then I'm like you know, it's his kid's fucking birthday and I got him in a headlock in the corner and I'm telling him not telling him stories but I'm fucking yapping, you know, yeah, and it makes me feel like in the moment I can, can't stop myself because I'm like, oh, I can fuck, I guess I can matter in this moment to somebody you know. And then I'm just like, dude, who would you know, why are you over here talking to this guy about career stuff at his kid's fucking birthday? Meanwhile, I I'm like nobody's interested in you. No, they're just appeasing you because you're married to their fucking cousin. You know, you're the only white boy for fucking miles, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah all the negative, uh, self-talk that I have, you know. Anyway.
Speaker 2:So the thing I told him look, listen, I said I did that stuff and I worked in that thing. You know, I told him a few fucking, a few fucking stories and then I was like dude, what you need to do here this is where the great I am what you need to do is you need to learn all of the investment banking stuff, you need to learn um, business management stuff and you need to learn how to build a business. That's what I learned working in that field when I was on the telephone just dialing, telephone dialing, dialing boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like you know, like you see on fucking television, I did that for a long time, like you know, like you see on fucking television.
Speaker 2:I did that for a long time and, uh, I built a business that you know afforded me so much of a life that I, you know, ran it into the ground with drugs, alcohol, women and that whole thing, and I ended up getting sober when I was 24. That's how, that's how hard I was fucking going. You know, yeah, it was crazy Legendary Anyway. So what I told him was like dude you need. Yeah, it was crazy, legendary anyway. So what I told him was like dude, you need you learn that stuff and just so you know, those investment bankers and private equity and all this other fancy shit, whether I'm not going to name the banks that he works at or whatever, and their bulge bracket they're big name banks. I was like dude, these people are not your friend. Just so you know. I'm not trying to diss them, whatever I said, but you know they're not.
Speaker 2:So you take that stuff and then you go and then you start a business and then you make some fucking money. You know, because that whole system is designed to trick you into working for them, where you make them $25 million and they pay you $200,000 or $300,000. You're like, oh my God, I just made $300,000, say, half a million dollars. Meanwhile you're making them $25 fucking million when, if you just do that same effort maybe more effort than you would work for them, for that $25 million that you would make for them, for that 25 million that you would make for them, it would you could probably generate over time. You can build something that'll be close to a million bucks for yourself. You know it may take you five years to do it instead of one year because you don't have that big bank name running around. But if you just start saying, hey, listen, I manage people's money I used, you know I can help you set up financial planning and this and that, and you go in your community and then you start networking and it take you 10 years or 15 years, but then you'll have a real business that nobody can fucking turn off.
Speaker 2:And that's the freedom to know that these people, the system, they are not your fucking friends and that's what a lot of people just learned in this past election. These people who claim to be for you, they are not for you, sir ma'am Zer Wham, whatever, they are not, and you can see how fickle they are as soon as Democrats lose. Then, all of a sudden, they got all the answers. I'm like bitch, you guys thought it was going to be a fucking landslide and you were right. But you were wrong and you led your people down A whole fucking path. And you led your people down a whole fucking path and you fed them all kind of stuff, you know, and you were all the way wrong, you know. And then now you're blamed. You know, it's all ego and it's all. And that's what I don't like right now about the Democratic Party. You know, and that was big Obama. Oh man, I love Obama.
Speaker 2:I hated George Bush, bill Clinton. Okay, you know, dude, I grew up in the 80s and 90s. You know so, it was Bill Clinton and you know, both of the Bushes hated both of them. You know, I didn't know anything about politics, I didn't know anything about the world, I knew that there were the WMDs and I knew about the fucking. You know the shit in Iraq. I knew with Bill Clinton, with fucking Monica Lewinsky, and you were just like, oh, not a big deal and it was a joke.
Speaker 2:When you're a kid, hey, I did not have sex with that girl, and I did not have sex with that girl and I did not inhale. And you know, when you're so young, you're just inexperienced that you haven't had the um benefit of betrayal, you haven't had that yet. So you just be like, yeah, this is cool. And then now, as an adult, I'm like and I've said this plenty of times on this show like, bro, that guy Bill Clinton's a fucking predator. Bro, straight up and down, he's a fucking predator. He is an animal.
Speaker 2:Interns you know what I'm saying. Interns, bro, aside from all the rape charges and shit and accusations. And you know, yeah, he cut the. I forgot these people's names, I'm sorry. No disrespect to them, but I'm going to blame it on the shot. I took the jab. Yeah, but was it Paula Jones or something? Bro, he gave them like $400,000. He cut them a check. Meanwhile, fucking Orange Boy is trying to hide it on his balance sheet. And then they charge him with felonies, fucking, 20 years later. At least it was consensual. You know what I'm saying. Some of them was you know. And then they accused yeah, it's, I don't want to get into it, whatever you know. I'm sure some people, some liberal friends of mine, are probably seething right now.
Speaker 2:But the point is, is that, like dude, you know, as you get older, you're like whoa, oh man. And then bill clinton, he, he signed nafta treaty, free trade. All of a sudden, that's what the manufacturing. It takes 10 years and it leaves us, you know, country's devastated. And then, fucking, you know Pappy Bush, and then Baby Bush, with the fucking Iraq shit and all the fucking fake shit. And then you know, you learn about the fucking Sacklers and all that stuff.
Speaker 2:Like dude, this whole system is fucking. They're not your friends. Like dude, this whole system is fucking. They're not your friends. You can operate in the system independently and love your neighbors and love your people and love your family and love people who don't agree with you because that's how I roll. That's why motherfuckers can't fuck with me, man, because I'm not mad if somebody don't like me. I don't even have to defend myself between me and God.
Speaker 2:I know who I am, I know what I am, you know, and my name rings out in the right places. You know people who aren't scared to be honest with me about when I'm fucking out of pocket. You know, or support me when I need support or help me when I need help. You know, like all of yous listening every week I'm sorry I've been skipping weeks, dude. It's been very crazy with work and I've been overwhelmed. And I have the best wife, who's very understanding, you know, but she's also in her own storm studying, studying every day, studying, studying every day, you know. But we live a good life, there's a life of love in my home man. It's not settling like, oh, the old ball and chain and oh, my stupid husband. Neither one of us don't even have those fucking thoughts about each other and we see that in other people and we, just we, you know, we, just we pray for them in a sense. Like, dude, we hope they're on their. We, you know, we, just we pray for them, in a sense like dude, we hope they're on their way, you know, to finding that happiness that we have, man, the happiness that we have.
Speaker 2:You know, she said something to me because when we was at the party, I was like, oh, I'm going to get some food, you know, because I was hungry dog by the time I got there. I was hungry, I was hit the. Oh, I'm going to get some food, you know, because I was hungry dog by the time I got there. I was hungry. I hit the gym, bro. I did legs yesterday like a motherfucker, you know, yeah, I was doing it. Anyway, fucking sleds, pressing, whatever, all that stuff.
Speaker 2:And yes, when I get to the party, I'm like, all right, maybe I was a little bit rude because, you know, we just got there, everybody's talking, people are ready, the food is out and people is like plating. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to get some food. And then my wife is like, she's like, yeah, go ahead. And I was like, and I looked at her like what? And then, you know, within a minute I guess maybe I was interrupting her, I shouldn't have, because she was talking with her sister, my sister-in-law, which is like my sister. Basically I was like, oh, she's going to go get you know.
Speaker 2:So she got up and she got my. She made my plate and she knew I was like dude, no fucking carbs. A very, very little, little bit of that mac and Half of a serving spoon not half of a teaspoon or whatever and the rest I just had, like you know, chicken, some other stuff. Anyway, plate comes back and there's no mac and cheese. I'm like dog, where's the mac and cheese? Don't be cheapy, you know. And she went and she got it. She came back and then later that night when I was with my boys, we was at the Banya in Jersey watching the UFC at the Russian bathhouse, because they throw it on there for everybody and it was great.
Speaker 2:Shout out Amor, frank the Tank, and oh, doug came too and Roman, the fucking Roman, the secret agent, anyway. So when I was there she texted me. She was like yo, you need to watch your tone when you tell me I forget something on your plate. And I was like, oh, I said I'm sorry, I was joking and I'm sorry if it came out a little bit wrong. Especially, maybe I was a little bit loud. You know, we was at a party, music blasting. It was in public, public. I should have been like, hey, like you know, and just you know, little fucking eyebrow wink or something or whatever.
Speaker 2:Anyway, anyway, but other than that man, you know some people they don't have, that wife can't check them about how they talk, and the wife don't get them and the guy's got to get his own food, which is, culturally, you know, it's not where I come from and it's okay if you don't get your own plate. Or if you do get your own plate, I mean I'm not judging you, but like where I grew up or how I grew up, you know, woman gets the man's plate, you know, and that's it. And that was funny because when I first met my wife and we were out somewhere at a barbecue, whatever in public, I was trying to be like you know, because I didn't know and I didn't want to just you know, I didn't want to just assume you know, I didn't want to just assume you know, because we are from the same culture. You know, boricua, we're both Puerto Ricans, yeah, but I'm, you know, half a Ukrainian Jew. I mean I'm full Jew. But I went to go get my plate and she right away stopped me and said please do not embarrass me, I get you your plate, you have a seat. And I was like I, I'm gonna marry this lady. I'll do everything I can, you know. Yep, and here we are.
Speaker 2:So, all right, enough of the babylonia. All right, let's get back in. We're still, we're going back into the step work. All right, we're doing step two. I got the na book here. Let me see where we are. Let me see where we are coming to believe. Let me move the microphone.
Speaker 2:Oh, by the way, that, uh, that intro was, uh, you know, jay electronica. You know who I love so much I'm making these adjustments. Where's my water? Well, let me give it a little splash to the aloe plant, give it a little baptism. Okay, mr Aloe Plant. All right, take a sip.
Speaker 2:We'll read a little bit, we'll do some questions and then we'll move on. I'll hop in the car, smoke a cigar, go home and I'm gonna make love to my wife. No, I'm gonna go home and just see what's what's popping, but if she wants to get down, I'm motherfucking down. I'm down to go home and just see what's popping. But if she wants to get down, I'm motherfucking down. I'm down like Piso, you know. So, coming to believe. Okay, here we go.
Speaker 2:Okay, the discussion above provides several reasons why we may have trouble with this step. Provides several reasons why we may have trouble with this step Again. Step two is coming came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Not in, it's very hard for you to come to believe in that power, but you have to believe that there is a power that can help you run your life. That is not you, whether it's the love from your friends, love from your family, god himself or herself, or they self or whatever, but you making every decision on your own. But you know, good luck, you better be perfect, and none of us are, you know. And that level of ego will have you making decisions at the expense of other people in your life, because especially people you love, because you could be making better decisions with different perspective. But I digress, ok, but this discussion above provides several reasons why we may have trouble with this step. There may be others. It is important for us to identify and overcome any barriers that could prevent us from coming to believe.
Speaker 2:Question one do I have any fears about coming to believe? What are they? I don't have any fears about that. You know, I have different fears Again. Like going back to the story where I was talking to that kid. I literally, like a fucking baby, texted him later on that night. I said I'm so sorry for all that babbling and whatever. And he was like absolutely not, thank you so much and I'll reach out to you and this, and that we're like whatever. And then I turned into like, oh, he's just being fucking nice and cordial because he's a beautiful kid and I'm a stupid old man. But what do I know? All right, do I have any fears? No, Do I have any barriers that make it difficult for me to believe. What are they At this point? No, I don't have any.
Speaker 2:But in the beginning, when I started to turn my life over to the care and love of other people and of God, I had a lot of barriers. I was like, dude, all right, it'll work with my drinking, I'll take care of the money, I'll take care of the sex, I'll take care of the fucking raising my son, I'll take care of all this other stuff. Right now I just need help with drinking and drugs, you know? And and that was the truth you know the other stuff. I thought I still had it under uh influence and there was, it was under influence of me. But again, I learned in hindsight negatively that the sooner I asked for and accepted help from people who had experienced doing the things that I was doing, you know, the better outcome it always was, even if it was just confirmation that I was thinking and doing and taking the right actions. But you know, no confirmation is no confirmation. Then it's just like I'm fucking guessing and experience guessing that's what I'm doing. You know.
Speaker 2:Anyway, what does the phrase we came to believe mean to me? I think it for me it's like a process, it's not an event. It's like, over time, I come to believe and have more trust in, uh, the universe and in God that there are people out there who will help me and who love me, you know, and they're not. It's not everybody, that's the thing, it's not everybody. But there are people out there who want, um, you know, who want to help me win, and that's like that's beautiful. You know? Yeah, all right, as addicts we are prone to wanting everything to happen instantly, no doy. But it's important to remember that step two is a process, not an event. What the fuck did I just say it's a process, not an event.
Speaker 2:Most of us just don't want to wake up one day and know that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We gradually grow into this belief. This is true. Grow into this belief. This is true. Still, we don't have to just sit back and wait for our belief to grow on its own. We can help it along.
Speaker 2:Question have I ever believed in anything which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was that experience like? I can't say that I did. I can't say that I did. I can't say that I did. I would believe things and again, I'm gullible, but that doesn't mean that I believe. It just means I follow along, you know. In that sense. So it's things that I didn't have. Tangible evidence, no, but I spent a lot of my life lying making pretend that I knew things that I didn't know. So there's that I don't know how that fits in. But I spent a lot of my life lying making pretend that I knew things that I didn't know. So there's that I don't know how that fits in. But whatever, what experience have I heard other recovering addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my own life, let me think I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I just share my own experience on this show, which is that, like, a little bit at a time, I was taking steps and steps, meaning like actions and changing my life that way, and those actions were based on, I don't know, a belief in that things were going to work out better, but I was taking overtime actions and things that I just wanted them to be different and I was walking along this path that other people were ahead of me and were like, no, this is the right path. And I'm like, no, dude, you don't understand. I need to say this, I need to do this, I need to lie about this. You know, I was talking with one of my cousins the other day who, whatever, I was talking with him and he was buying two egg sandwiches and I was like, dog, you're gonna. And we were.
Speaker 2:We were joking because like, wow, man, bacon, egg and cheese now it's like eight dollars a fucking sandwich, which is crazy. And I was like, dog, you're going to. And we were joking because like, wow, man, bacon, egg and cheese Now it's like eight dollars a fucking sandwich, which is crazy. And they're like, yo, how much. How much without the, without the cheese? Oh, 750. Yeah, whatever, anyway. So it was like sixteen dollars for two bacon, egg and cheeses If that's the right, even plurality. And I was like all right. So it's like, you know, you got a tip. I said you got a tip and I just threw it out there like yo, you got a tip on like a buck each sandwich at minimum.
Speaker 2:You know, he's like, nah, jay, I can't, I can't do that right now. I was like what? He's like, yeah, man, I nah, nah, I can't do it, I can't do it. I was like that's so much fucking fiction. It's like, dude, you make all this money and you can't tip somebody. Fucking two dollars. That literally means nothing to you, literally out of your day. But you have this mental block that tells you you can't afford an extra $2 for somebody who made some food for you, you know. And he's like, all right, all right, all right, you're right, you're right. And I snap him out of it and hopefully he did it, you know, but that's how people were with me. You know, that's the right. I was like dude, how much. And then I threw God in it. How much you believe in God that I threw God in it. How much you believe in God? You don't think God's not going to throw that $2 back in your pocket.
Speaker 2:When you paid forward to some fucking Mexicans or whoever's making the egg sandwiches now, maybe the Akis? It can't be the Akis because obviously there's pork, bacon, haram, but yeah, it's like dude, that's the act. That's an act of faith. That, like I know, it's like dude, that's the act. That's an act of faith that, like I know, when I give money to people and I just give it to them, whether it's in the street, whether it's what, in whatever ways, that I do it and I do it in a lot of fucking ways, you know, and I spoke about that before, and I think that's why I stay blessed, because I just, you know, I give, I give of myself. And if it, you know, I give, I give of myself.
Speaker 2:And if it's, you know, $5 for me is not a life-changing event. But let me tell you something If I put $5 in a tip jar, maybe it doesn't hurt anybody and I'm not saying it makes somebody think, oh, my God, they're going to go get the fucking. Now they can get their rims Right. No, but it's like it's a consideration, because maybe there's other people who don't tip and I'm sure there isn't.
Speaker 2:So I never mind being heavy handed with tipping and and I used to do it out of ego, but now I do it because it's just like dude, it's helpful and I have more than what I need. I'm being honest, I have more than what I need, you know, and five bucks or ten bucks or two dollars or twenty dollars, I give some guy in the street who's fucking begging for money. He's out there all day. I'm just driving by on my way to do my own thing. You know I don't have 20 bucks, I do.
Speaker 2:And then my mom, she goes crazy oh, they're going to spend it on drugs. They're going to like okay, maybe yes, maybe no, I don't know. You know. But I know it's not my job to judge them, that's not what I'm supposed to do. And I used to my mom, you know there's people who, the way my mom looks at drug addicts, I was like. You know, there are people who used to look at me like that, and they were right, because that was me, I was never in the street, because I was a smooth criminal. But they're like yeah, but you don't have to be.
Speaker 2:Not all people in the street are on drugs. The system has maybe turned against them or they had a couple of bad weeks or a couple of made made, a couple of left turns instead of a right turn. I don't know, I don't need to know. You know, but I know $20, they're going to get a. Then it's up to them. Then I know that they can. It's up to them whether or not they want to have a meal with that money and, like you know, not a cup of noodles, but, like you know, for that day, like a meal. If I can do that, great. And there's times where I've given like a hundred, you know, like, yeah, take that, I'm okay.
Speaker 2:You know I go and do a big job, a big job for me. You know. Let's say I went out there one day by myself doing some cleaning stuff, doing whatever, and I made like $1,800, and then the phone rings and somebody books another job for like 400. So I make 2200 in one day, right, which is, um, it's not, uh, infrequent that that happens. You know it happens.
Speaker 2:And I think the reason why it happens because when that does happen to me and somebody pays me in cash, right, and then I see somebody, bro, I can give him a honey, I can, it's not gonna hurt me, it's not gonna hurt me and I don't have to do it reluctantly, I can do it and I can listen to however they want to thank me and whatever, and I don't have to put it on fucking Instagram or any of this other stuff, but I can do that, you know, and that's how you know, over time, living like that, you know, I have a blessed life and I cannot say that they're not related, because I don't know what it would be like if I didn't live like that. You know, I don't know what it would be like. So, anyway, that's how I came to believe. But taking different actions like that, one action at a time, one day at a time, and what do I believe? I believe in I don't know if it's karma maybe it's karma what I'm just describing but what I do believe is that I believe in the spirit of loving and giving. I do, and I mean that very sincerely.
Speaker 2:I think that, above everything else, I know the gift that I get is knowing that I'm doing the next right thing. That's what I know. I know that, like I don't have to have a lock on my phone. I don't need a password on my phone. I don't need a password on my phone. I don't need a password on my emails. My wife can look at anything, you know. If there is any impropriety and I'm not going to confirm or deny no, what I'm saying is if there's any impropriety, they're like passing thoughts in my brain like a regular fucking human. J-dawg is not fucking playing footsie with anybody, he's not. It just doesn't exist.
Speaker 2:And when I live like that, I live free. I live free and that's the gift I get. I get to be free. I don't have to worry. My wife can question me about anything. I may not have the answer right away, but I know what. The answer is not going to be, no matter what, that I was doing something wrong, that I was doing something wrong with my money, that I was doing the wrong shit. I wouldn't say wrong, because I make mistakes and maybe those are wrong, but I don't do any foul shit. I don't live foul and I was a foul, you know what, my whole life. This guy shared it in the meeting yesterday. Hold on, let me get a pen.
Speaker 2:I got to mark the book because this is where we're going to stop for today. I got to mark the book because this is where we're going to stop for today. This guy shared it in a meeting yesterday that you know he's like yo, I'll go over, I'll go above and beyond for anybody else. But what did he say? He said, no, I'll do anything for you, but just don't think that you come before me. And that was like powerful. I felt that.
Speaker 2:I was like, yeah, man, I believe that when I was trapped in my addiction and the addiction was just I needed security, emotional security. So I had to have backup plans, whether they were professional, whether they were relationships with women, whether it was money. I would have money stashed here and money stashed there. Escape fucking plans, backup plans by the ways attached to fucking everything you know. And in one way it gave me a sense of security because I was like, yeah, no matter what, like this girl fucking leaves me, I got like something else on the burner, you know, whatever dude, same thing with jobs, with anything. It doesn't always just have to be with women, you know, but I'm a masculine man, so that's where a lot of my problems have been in my life. So what I'm saying is that, like you know, yes, it gives me a false sense of security. We're like, yeah, nobody can hurt me, but it also means that I'm not going to fucking win, because winning is trusting in God. That me, no matter what, bro, if I do the right thing and I don't disrespect my wife and I don't disrespect my marriage and I don't disrespect my business and I don't disrespect my employees and I don't disrespect my parents, and I just bring my best self there, do that okay, and then the betrayal happens on the other end, then I know that that shit is not on me and it wasn't meant for me and that to me, every time that that's happened and I was like, and my side of the street was semi-clean or as clean as it could have been, then, like, god has given me, uh, a fucking gold brick on the other end of that fucking pain door that I just had to sit in front of the door and and question him and question my life. But I did everything right, I fucking and look, it still didn't go the way I quote unquote wanted it to go, but in the long run it always worked out best for me.
Speaker 2:I don't know what's best for me. I know what's not good for me, that I know, and I know, kind of, what's best for me. Like I know what God's will is for me, but I don't know what his plan is. His plan is his plan, but his will is for me to be who I am right now, which is somebody who is always on my way. I'm always seeking how can I get closer to him Through these challenges. Every day I challenge myself.
Speaker 2:Bro. I got fucking demons. You would not believe that. Tell me that crazy loop that I shared with you guys About this kid that I was like trying to help, that stupid fucking loop loop. It goes on everywhere in my life. You know that I'm nothing, that I'm a loser, that I'm worthless and it's fiction. You know I have tangible proof that I have helped people in a very positive way and not in a self-seeking or selfish way, because the way that I help people now is of no benefit to me. Directly, indirectly, I get all the fucking gifts. There are people out there that can be like yo, he's a stand-up guy, he's a little wild, but he's a stand-up guy and he's a good man and I never knew I had it in me, so like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Share these episodes with your friends on our YouTube page the Sober Experience. And yeah, we'll see you guys next week. I love you peace.