The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Finding Sanity and Connection in a Chaotic World
Join us as we embark on a reflective journey, inspired by the vibrant track "El Fantasma" by Los Macuanos. We explore the themes of sanity and control amidst a heated political climate, emphasizing the importance of maintaining peace with loved ones regardless of external outcomes. Celebrate with us as we acknowledge 21 years of personal milestones and pay tribute to a significant figure who has been a guiding light in our lives. This episode underscores the necessity of authentic relationships and personal responsibility, offering a renewed sense of sanity through shared experiences.
Take a candid look at the turbulent path of addiction, as personal stories reveal the dangerous situations and irrational choices fueled by an addictive mindset. Reflecting on the toll this journey takes on families and comparing past actions to the relatively mild troubles of the next generation, we uncover the internal battles that accompany addiction. As we shift focus, practical strategies for mastering control over actions are shared, offering guidance on managing anxiety and impulses. Discover the profound value of authenticity, community, and inner peace as we continue our journey towards a sober experience. Thank you for being part of our journey, and remember to subscribe and share with others seeking clarity and connection.
Yo, yo yo, what up, welcome back. Oh man, I could have just left that thing fucking playing dog. So good man, so so good. Los Macuanos what's the name of the track? Hold on, let me check. El Fantasma. Oh my God, Mad good, mad good. Anyway, young man, everybody's fucking, you know everybody's. They're at where they're at. Oh my God, they are losing their mind. Yeah, everybody's losing their mind, bro, and this is going to be. I'm just watching it play out. I already voted.
Speaker 1:You know I'm not fighting with anybody. You know I'm not fighting with anybody. You know I understand. You know, yeah, yeah, it's just how it goes, man, it's all good, it's all good.
Speaker 1:Listen, I'm not going to draw a line in the sand against people that I know and people that I love over anything, unless it's like. I don't even know what it could be. It's not even I draw a line. I don't even draw lines in the sand Like, yeah, how did like, because for me, lines in the sand means that you're too close and if I gotta draw a line in the sand, I'm just gonna swim away. You know, I'm saying there's no line, there's no sand, I'll be over here, you'll be over there, you do your thing. You know I believe in that wholeheartedly and I only, you know, I only really fuck with people who do? You know I'm not in the business of people like trying to just make me feel good or bad or whatever about however I feel, about whatever I feel. You know, I would be. It's interesting, I'd be interested if Trump won and I'd be interested if Kamala won. I would man, no matter what, I'd be interested. I'd be like let's see how this fucking thing is going to shake out. You know it's so silly. Hold on. What is this? Oh, my order from BJ is being delivered, all right, cool, yeah, so that's where we're at. You know what I'm saying? Some people, they're just. You know you can't allow things to make you that crazy, because you know things that I do in my regular life are way more important than what's going on there.
Speaker 1:Yesterday they cut a cake for your boy over there at Greenwood, 21 years. I had the lady Kim speak, which was beautiful man. I thought it was an incredible share. There are people who thought, who think, hey, I'm crazy, and think that she's crazy and we're all a little bit off and it was a wild thing and I loved every second of it and she fucking cried and you know she got, she had a.
Speaker 1:It was nice to be able to give somebody that I admire and that I respect and that I love a moment for them to be like. You know, regardless of what anybody else thinks, that's what I think, you know, and that's it, and I actually don't really care what anybody else says about it. You know, it don't matter to me, bro, and I spoke today for my boy, doug, over there at uh, one of these uh meetings oh, in the slope I forgot the name of it and, um, my sponsor rolled up in the morning and, uh, it was nice when you put me in a headlock and I felt like, dude, this is the a hug from somebody who doesn't lift weights. And, uh, it was beautiful and I love my sponsor so much. I love everybody, I love everybody. So, uh, that's what's going on. That's what's going on. Um, try not to. Uh, I'm not. I'm not in anywhere in my life where the results of these elections are going to fucking affect me in any way. You know, guess who still has to wash rugs and go to meetings and love people and pay taxes and do all this shit tomorrow. Guess who still has to do that. So there's that. Oh man, one of my sponsors that I haven't seen or spoke to in fucking months.
Speaker 1:This guy, you know, he, yeah, he came through yesterday, jose, he made it. Oh man, it was everything, it was everything. So that's where we're at with it. All right, it was everything, it was everything. So that's where we're at with it. All right, let's go. Let's go. Where are we? I think we're, yeah, we're in step two, dog. Step two, jesus. This thing is long. I folded the page Just in case you guys need a little recap.
Speaker 1:Step two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So we're going to go through this part here quickly and then I'm going to boogie on out of here. I'm going to do my best not to watch any election stuff tonight. You know, I'm sure Twitter is going to be crazy, crazy and and that's it OK. So now we're at the insanity part. All right, if we have any doubts about the need for renewal of sanity in our lives, we're going to have trouble with this step. The need for renewal of sanity, bro, do we need that today or not? Reviewing first steps should help us. If we're having doubts. Now is the time to take a good look at our insanity.
Speaker 1:Did I believe I could control my using? No, I could control my using. No, I control it not in a way that where I wanted to stop using, but that in a way where I was like a chemist, like, oh, I'm going to take two of these, 11 of those, five of those, and then I'm going to have lunch and then after that it's whatever. So, controlling that way, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you know, wanting to have control, no, I want it to be out of control. And let me see what were some of my experiences with this and how were my efforts unsuccessful?
Speaker 1:Okay, well, instead of like my using drugs and alcohol, what are the other things that I'm trying to control? The progress of my children on this earth? I'm trying to control that, like their emotional growth, like I'm trying to get them to grow up faster and gain experience because of all of the wisdom I learned from every mistake that I made. I'm trying to bestow on them. And they're like, yeah, I don't think so, bo, you know, and I'm trying to in some ways, trying to control them. In that way, I'm just like dude, I can literally save you from every huge L that I took, you from every huge L that I took, but no, you want to make sure that there is shit in that hole you are digging. You won't take my word for it. I'm like dog. I got shit on my shoe and it came from that hole. But no, ok, fair enough. You know, and it's frustrating because I was saying to my homegirl, olivia, who I fucking love so much, um, at the meeting, I'm like dude.
Speaker 1:I'd want my kids to understand like dude, you know, like if they come to these meetings they will see that they can be and do whatever they want that there is limitless. There is limitless, um, potential for happiness on this earth. You're going to have to earn it. You got to make decisions every single day to build the life that you want and it's not going to happen in one day, in one fell swoop, but one thing at a time, 1% at a time, one day at a time, one action at a time, one no at a time. You got to have to. You know it's hard for me to say no to a lot of things, uh, to myself. You know, for me it's a lot of shit. It's the fucking food, it's the self-pity man.
Speaker 1:And I woke up today and I was in like a very you know, I couldn't. I guess maybe yesterday was just so much overstimulation that, like today, I couldn't get it together in the morning. Thank God, I went to that meeting. There was a meditation and I read some stuff and I shared some stuff and whatever. But yeah, man, I was having a bad morning but I got through it. And then I struggled throughout the day but even struggling, I made it through, meaning like, not just make it through, like oh, I'm not going to drink today. No, I fucking.
Speaker 1:I did 80% of the things that were on my to-do list, crossing them off, crossing them off, crossing them off, crossing them off All things that I need to do to be responsible. You know that, meaning that if I don't do them Not, am I only not being responsible, I'm ruining the moment because I'm going to be thinking about that stuff is going to be gnawing at me versus whatever. So, yeah, anyway, what's the next question? What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them? Hmm, hmm.
Speaker 1:Mostly, I can't believe how I thought so, much less of other people. I can't believe how selfish and self-centered I was. It's hard to believe I was. Yeah, I can say I was ashamed of that and because I had that belief, that's how I treated people, like they were less than me, and that was. Yeah, it wasn't nice so that I can't believe how it was, especially people I love. Bro, Forget it. It's ridiculous, but thank God that I changed and that's why, like, I believe everybody is okay and people can be who they are and I don't mind this one lady. You know she's trying. She's trying to fight with me on Facebook. Meanwhile, I saw this fucking bitch on. I shouldn't say that. I saw this lady on Sunday and it was all good, and then today she's like oh, you're calling me crazy. This is what I think is crazy. And I said this.
Speaker 1:I said, you know, because people they go online and they make these very crazy statements, like you know, like racism doesn't live in this house and blah, blah, blah, and this is what's on the line and they're taking your guns and they're taking women's rights or whatever crazy stance. You're on there like blasting all the way on social media. Right Now. You're not a public figure, which means that the people that see you are people that fucking know you. So who are you blasting? Are you blasting your own friends, your family? Like? Who are you blasting? Are you blasting your own friends, your family? Like? Who are you? Who are you talking to? That's what I don't understand. You're not standing on the street talking to strangers, you're standing. You're on the computer talking to people that you know allegedly.
Speaker 1:Unless you just be friends with people that you don't know and I'm not I don't really do that. So I said that the act of doing that, no matter what side you're on you know, like number one, you're being a shitty friend to your friends if you're fucking yelling at them because they believe differently than you. And number two, if you're arguing with people that you do not know, if you spend your time doing that on Twitter, on Facebook, on whatever. If you spend your time arguing, going back and forth with people that you don't know, I said that that should require a wellness check, because that's fucking crazy. A wellness check, because that's fucking crazy. You're literally yelling into the ether on a computer when you could be doing something else with your time. How much self-importance do you need? Anyway, she's like you're questioning my sanity if I'm crazy.
Speaker 1:I said I don't know if you're crazy. I'm saying that people who do this is crazy. If this is what you're doing, then I guess you're crazy. You know, and she's just like you know, some of your friends. They have this whatever I said.
Speaker 1:Listen everybody in this, everybody that I know, I fucking know and that means that they know me, which also means that they don't be disrespecting each other, because I won't have that. I'd be like bro, that person you're talking to, that's my fucking dog. You know what I'm saying. So watch yourself. If you can't fucking behave nicely, then you shut the fuck up or you go on your own little Facebook page and you can do whatever you want On my page. You cannot be fucking fighting back and forth with people. You can say I believe this, you believe that, I believe that that's fine, whatever. You start getting crazy, nah, dog, I'll put an end to it right away. I don't have time for that shit and I don't support that, you know. Anyway, I don't.
Speaker 1:You know, it's just like you know these people, whether it's Ben Shapiro, anybody else, or even these fucking super lefty people they sit down with fucking young college kids and they like talk circles around them, and it's only because they're 10 or 15 years older than them, they're not that much smarter, and these people, they just haven't lived long enough to learn anything different than what they know or what they've taught. So it's almost like you don't get any points for beating up a guy with one arm. You know what I mean. I tell you guys. One time a guy with one arm threw me through a fucking table at Olive's it was called Knuckleheads. It was in Nyack at a bar. My friends laughed at me. Guy with one arm picked me up over his fucking head. He had an arm and a stump. The other arm wasn't like a full, whatever. Anyway, yeah, that's what I mean. You don't get any points for that. So, whatever, I don't want to go on a fucking tangent.
Speaker 1:Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get drugs? No, um, because, because you know, yeah, I didn't feel any danger. In hindsight, maybe it was a dangerous. One time I was with one of my boys and we were going to buy bundles of dope in fucking Bushwick when it was really Bushwick and it was late at night and we didn't really have a lot of money. He's like listen, I'm just going to grab the bundles and drive off. I was like fucking. No, bro, are you crazy? These guys are going to fucking shoot at the car. He's like come on out. He used to call me Alfred. Come on, alfred, we're going to rob. Fuck these motherfuckers, man, we're just going to. I'm like dude. Meanwhile this guy's got mad money, but he just wanted to be a fucking gangster that day and I was like no way. I said I have $90. I'll give you $90 and $10 bills that you get from a fucking ATM when you're broke, you know Anyway, yeah, so that was it.
Speaker 1:Did I behave in ways that I'm now ashamed? Yes, I just described that. And also maybe very much taking advantage of my parents. You know, yeah, I took advantage of them, and that was it. In any way that you can imagine, if I was in a bad fucking spot, I had good parents, man. They would save my ass all the fucking time, you know. And some of that stuff was really good. Some of it was fucking enabling. Some of it was only enabling because I was not at a point where I could learn from any of my mistakes. So maybe they should have just let me hang a little bit more. I mean, I did hang some of the stuff I hung but they made me pay for a bunch of the shit that I did. So it was, you know, they did the best they could. You know what I mean. And what were those situations like? They were not. Yeah, there were nothing. I guess what I'm saying, sorry I'm. Yeah, there were nothing. Uh, the the situation I guess what I'm saying, sorry, I'm rubbing my eyeball the situations that my kids put me through is nothing compared to that. You know, my son went to jail a couple of times, you know, but uh, just getting locked up overnight, whatever, but yeah, compared to the stuff I was doing, no way my kids are fucking saints dog. So, yeah, I'm happy about that.
Speaker 1:Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Yes, insane decisions. You know, when you look back, when you're just like, okay, well, I can think about it. Like right now, not so much the drinking and drugging Like, if I want to procrastinate instead of doing my to do responsible list, that's an insane decision. To say, okay, I'm gonna go do this instead of go to the gym, I'm gonna scroll scroll through Instagram or through Twitter and fight with people. I fight with people on Twitter and Facebook Only about boxing. That's the only shit I really fight about. Other things Like, if I wanted there's people that talk in politics, I just I can make a statement and that's my statement. I don't go back and forth with anybody Because I fucking don't. Yeah, anyway, but the result of insane decisions, as a result of my addiction.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't call it an addiction but like my addict mind that is just like you know has my addict mind has a mind of its own that just wants me to be suffering and it chooses all these different ways to pull that out of me. Like, oh man, things are going good, you're doing great, yeah, how about you fucking do nothing today? How about you? Again, you don't exercise? How about you don't pray? How about you don't when the phone rings and it's there's? There should be no reason for me not to answer the phone when it rings. There's nobody in my life that, like I owe money to. There's nobody like this should be no reason. There's times I look at it and I'm just like no, fuck that. Then I'm like oh dude, what are you doing? Answer the fucking phone. And it's not just for my mom, I'm talking about just other people, you know. I mean I'm a hard person to reach on a personal level. But if you could find me, that means I should be picking up the phone, but you know it's those little swipes that my disease takes at me.
Speaker 1:Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships? Yes, all of those things I used to smell right before I was getting fired. And I would leave From stealing, from being high on the job, from being drunk on the job, not so much making mistakes or whatever, but every you know, yeah, definitely, uh, leave friendships 1 million percent. Um, I would, just, I wouldn't leave them, I would, I would light them on fire. I was not a good friend.
Speaker 1:If you were my friend eventually, you know, I would feel slighted in some way and there's only one way I know how to get back at you. And it wasn't going mano a mano. I never laid a hand on one friend in my life but I violated in other ways. I'd try to sleep with your ex-girlfriend, or I would do it, or I'd fuck your sister. I'd do whatever. There were no limits to what I could indulge in. There were no limits to that, to the infractions, and that was fucked up. But we never fought and that was bad, it was sucks. Or giving up on achieving goals for no reason other than those things interfered with my using. I wouldn't say that, but I would say that I would just be too scared and I'd make up excuses on why I'm not gonna get to the next level. Uh, financially, with work, professionally, did I'd be like I would get to some level and then it would be something else. Would fucking you know what I mean? Yeah, it would be bad. It would be bad. Did I ever physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction? 100%, both of those things you know. So there's that. There's that. Yeah, definitely. Other people forget it. You kidding me.
Speaker 1:Insanity is the loss of our perspective and our sense of proportion. That's what insanity is. For example, we may think that our personal problems are more important than anyone else's. In fact, we may not even be able to consider other people's needs at all. Small problems become major catastrophes. Our lives get out of balance. Some obvious examples of insane thinking are the belief that we can stay clean on our own, or the belief that using drugs was our only problem and that everything is fine now just because we're clean Psych, I behave in all of those ways without drugs or alcohol in my system and Narcotics Anonymous insanities often describe as the belief that we can take something outside of ourselves.
Speaker 1:Drug sorry outside of ourselves. Drugs power, sex food to fix what's wrong inside of ourselves. Drugs sorry outside of ourselves. Drugs power, sex, food to fix what's wrong inside of ourselves. Our feelings it's incredible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how have I overreacted or underreacted to things? I discuss this all the time. You know I overreact to very small things, like somebody I used to, but like somebody throwing a party, like a patele party, and not inviting me Meanwhile. I couldn't go anyway. Yeah, and underreacting to things, bro, things that actually require me to show up, and that's what I need, all of you, that's what I need God for, that's what I need the program for, because to show up for the things that I need to Is very I can't do it on my own all the time. I need a lot of help. I always say I got it from Goggins, like people will never understand what is wrong with me.
Speaker 1:Alright, how has my life been out of balance? It's not really out of balance. I mean, there's a few small things that I'm working on that I need to really follow through in, but it's not really out of balance, not really I need to get a cleaning lady? That kind of bullshit. In what ways does my insanity tell me that things outside of myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? There's nothing that tells me that I just need to leave the moment. So I'll just jump, I'll jump on YouTube. Or, like I said, doom scrolling. So I'll just jump, I'll jump on YouTube. Or, like I said, doom scrolling. You know, I've been really good about the porn. Then I go back on the porn and then I get off of it because it's just like you know, a bell rings that says no, no, do not do something productive, do this. And I am like a fucking horse out of the barn when that happens.
Speaker 1:Compulsive gambling, eating or sex seeking no, I don't do the sex seeking. I don't gamble. Eat I've been pretty good at eating, I'm really good. Actually, the testosterone is helping. But I need to be a little bit more consistent with the gym. I'm exercising at least like five days, so I shouldn't say, yeah, minimum five. There's a regiment that I want to surrender to and I've yet to do it. I've fucking yet to do it, but I know I need to start and when I do, I know it's gonna be fucking on brother, okay, is part of my insanity.
Speaker 1:The belief that the symptom of my addiction using drugs or some other manifestation is my problem. No, it used to be. They're like oh, the problem is food, the problem is this, the problem is sex, the problem is women, the problem is money. No, the problem is me. You know, if we've been clean for a while, we may find a whole new level of denial is making it difficult to see the insanity in our lives. Just as we did in the beginning of our recovery, we need to become familiar with the ways in which we have been insane.
Speaker 1:Many of us have found that our understanding of insanity grows further than the definition of the insanity in our basic text. We make the same mistakes over and over again, even when we're fully aware of what the results will be Like. When I get that gnawing feeling in my stomach like dude, I know that my kids or my wife, they're going to fucking disappoint me or something like that. Whatever it is Like you know, when you know a fight is coming before you get there, you're like manifesting it. Air quotes yeah, there's that. So that's fucking crazy.
Speaker 1:Perhaps we're hurting so bad that we don't care about the consequences, yeah, of pulling that fire alarm. You know, you want immediate relief, you don't want results, you know, or we figure that acting on an obsession Will somehow be worth the price. Nah, it's not. Never it's not. You get a minute of pleasure and an hour of pain when we've acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be.
Speaker 1:When we've acted on an obsession even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead? What makes me go ahead is that I say to myself fuck it, I'm already here, even though I didn't take the action, I'm already in that state. You know where I'm going to ring the fucking bell. I'm already there, you know I'm already there. And then I just say fuck it, maybe this time it'll be different. Nope, it's always the same. You know I different. Nope, it's always the same. You know, I shouldn't even say it's always the same. It gets worse every time. This elevator only goes down, you know, and that's the fucking truth. So anyway, listen, regardless of who wins tonight, regardless of who gets crazy tomorrow, I love you. So all um.
Speaker 1:You know, subscribe, share on all podcast platforms. You know, try to use this stuff in your life, man. Get control of not even your emotions, get control of your actions. You know you can take different actions to relieve those anxiety, the anxiety filling whatever. You know what I mean. You know, when you're just drowning in a pool of your fucking impulses, your compulsions, the self-seeking ones, because they don't help anybody else. Anyway, sober experience. I love you guys. I'll see you next week, peace.