The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Sobriety and Growth: Navigating Unmanageability on the Road to Recovery
This episode of the Sober Experience podcast promises to shed light on the unmanageability that often accompanies addiction and the powerful steps we take towards recovery. After overcoming a technical hiccup, we continue on the first step of recovery, emphasizing the significance of confronting unmanageable aspects of our lives. I’ll share insights from personal experiences, such as taking on new challenges at work and navigating difficult family conversations about accountability, illustrating how these experiences shape our sobriety journey.
Family dynamics play a crucial role in our personal development and coping mechanisms. Reflecting on my upbringing in a household dominated by discipline and fear, we discuss the struggle of breaking free from such environments and the dichotomy between knowledge and experience. We'll explore the benefits of exercise and self-care, emphasizing how these practices can enhance our mental well-being and daily effectiveness. Sharing our stories not only helps us heal but also empowers others on their path to recovery, underscoring the importance of community and mutual support.
Balancing personal growth and accountability is key to long-term success. We'll touch on the importance of motivational content as a foundation for positivity while acknowledging the need for occasional indulgences. Managing responsibilities and coping with unexpected disruptions are part of the sobriety journey, and maintaining relationships plays a significant role in our happiness. From reflecting on the nostalgia of the '90s to confronting personal fears and the ongoing struggle with procrastination, this episode offers a comprehensive look at embracing change and committing to personal growth. Let’s continue to learn, support each other, and celebrate milestones in our sober experience together.
What's up everybody? Sober experience, welcome home. Yep, yep, yep, yep Sounds like, you know, like music you want to Chop somebody's fingers off to. It's beautiful, it's beautiful. It's called the Fishmongers by Tom Hagerman. Super like Eastern Bloc, ruski style. Bam bam, hey, what's up everybody. Welcome back. Sober experience, please. Um, share, subscribe on all podcast platforms.
Speaker 1:On our youtube channel, the Sober Experience, you know, it's got that little decal there With a giant cup of coffee being, you know whatever, walked around by a human. That's what sobriety is like. You know, you're carrying around this big thing. It doesn't, uh, yeah, it's coffee, it's not even, uh, relief. Anyway, hope you guys are having a good week.
Speaker 1:Um, we missed a week, and it's been. It was because I actually unfortunately, unfortunately, I recorded an episode last week and it was good for me, but I couldn't put it out because I've been procrastinating on getting a new memory card Because the one I had was corrupted, yeah, so, and I just put it off and put it off, and then, you know, I sat here and I fucking babbled, yeah, I babbled for whatever 30, 40 minutes, for whatever 30 40 minutes, and then, um, yeah, and it was all like crazy, like it couldn't have, it couldn't have been. Um, yeah, it couldn't have been uploaded, so I'm sorry about that. And um, I was contemplating on, uh, you know how to to move forward because you know, you guys, you know we're working out of this book. You know we're still in the first step. Last week was all about unmanageability and reservations, you know, and then we were going to get in and surrender and we were going to get into spiritual principles. And then we were going to get into and surrender and we were going to get into spiritual principles. So, yeah, in the interest of being fair, you know, we'll I'll go back to that unmanageability part and just kind of work through that again. That way you guys aren't missing out, even though I already had the benefit, um, you know. But um, yeah, that way I'm not being so selfish, you know. But the week has been good. It's the first week that, you know, I've been confronting.
Speaker 1:I told you, uh, things in my life this week. Two things. Number one first time that you know in many, many years that I took on a role in my company where I would well, I got rid of yeah, it just wasn't working out the lady who used to answer the phones and book all the appointments and whatever. And, yeah, it just wasn't a good fit and we had some other mobility things going on in the company, so there was not an opportunity. I was just, yeah, everything had run its course.
Speaker 1:And sometimes the hardest thing is to just basically say goodbye, you know, without like burning down the house. You know, I remember burning them burning down the house. You know, I remember I went with my homegirl, liz, to this Goldman Sachs Thing when they invite companies and you get into these programs and whatever. Honestly, I've just been too chicken shit To Join any of them, even though I kind of qualify, anyway. So, like everybody was up there, you know Bloomberg, you know the guys in Goldman, everybody and they all said the same thing the hardest thing about having a business is letting people go. It's like the hardest thing. Yeah, so that wasn't easy. So it was the first week that I absorbed that person's role, her role, and then also, at the same time, we had the conversation, which was tough, with my middle kid about one-way traffic in the house and we need more, uh, participation and consideration from them. And it wasn't, um, where nobody was really getting punished, but at the same time, um, you know, some more accountability. So that's that anyway. So it's been an eventful week as far as like turning this ship around and yeah, yeah, it was important Anyway. So let's get into. You know, unmanageability Still in the first step dog, we're going to be in, you know, hopefully another after this week, maybe next week, at the end of next week we'll be done and please let us know if this stuff is helping you. Yeah, that would be great, but I know it's helping me. So you know, I guess you know sharing is caring.
Speaker 1:Okay, unmanageability the first step asks us to admit two things One, that we are powerless over our addiction, whatever that is, and two, that our lives have become unmanageable. Actually, and for me and I always reiterate this it's hard for me to change anything until it becomes unbearable. Forget about unmanageability, unmanageability, unmanageability. I can actually function in. Um, I can. I like to be just a little bit, in one sense, I wouldn't say uncomfortable, but a little bit about the oh my God, the poor me thing where I was thinking about this today.
Speaker 1:Actually, um, that that you know, I don't mind cleaning up messes in my own life. I just I don't like to make the mess. If I make the mess and I got to clean it. Then there's guilt and shame and whatever that comes along with that, and that's like a cycle of me continuously making messesus like life will give you a mess or that kind of stuff and that I don't mind so much, versus, when it's by my own hand, alright, let's continue on. Actually, we would be hard pressed to admit one and not the other.
Speaker 1:True, our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness, which is true. Youlessness, which is true, you know, it's true. So something that's visible is how my life is being run, you know. Am I being kind to everybody within reason? Are my bills being paid on time? Am I showing up to my responsibilities? You know, these are things that are like on the outside, that you know. Yeah, that if they're off kilter, that means there's something, there's some other part of my life that I'm participating in against my will. That's, you know, basically making me behave that way. Yeah, let me see. Yeah, there are two types of unmanageability outward unmanageability, the kind that can be seen by others, and inner, personal unmanageability.
Speaker 1:Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrests, job and family problems. I haven't been arrested in a long time. Job losses uh, listen in one week, answering the phone, I yelled at three people and fired not, I wouldn't say fired, but refused service to two. So, um, yeah, I gotta work on that. But also like the sense of entitlement that I was speaking about before I'm running into that man People, they're just like you know, they're fucking rude and I don't know how, like the former staff lady.
Speaker 1:I don't know how she dealt with it, or maybe I just had a bad week, but like yeah, people were fine. I was like, oh, it's like no, no, you gotta call somebody else. They're like huh, like oh, no, I don't have to, I don't have to do anything. It's fred's beautiful, I don't have to do anything. You know, I tell you to go fuck yourself and that's that. And you can tell everybody that. You know that I said that, which is great, because if they're anything like you, I don't want them either, and that's nice. I work 80 hours a week, so I have that right, which is beautiful.
Speaker 1:Anyway, some of our members have been incarcerated. I've been in jail, not prison. Some have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months. This used to be me. Some of us have been cut off from our families and never asked to contact again. That has not been the case, so I can move on. Even before man, my family, I came from a family of people who didn't really mind.
Speaker 1:Inner or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy and untrue belief systems about ourselves. Okay, now we're touching on stuff the world we live in and the people in our lives Untrue belief systems, not just untrue ideas, but the way in which those ideas manifest themselves. They're based on fiction. You know, they're big, yeah, yeah, that's, that's a big one for me, not so much anymore, because what I've done is I've learned to confront things when that happens, so, or ask for help. So I know that I'm like, hey, listen, I'm a little bit off my bird with my interpretation here because, um, I have a lifestyle, not even say lifestyle. I've had a lifelong history of taking everything the wrong way. So there's that, you know.
Speaker 1:Okay, we may believe we are worthless. No, but I do believe that, like you know, I don't think I'm worthless. I mean, I found my purpose, which is to help other people, and that's really it. But before that, you know, I was just a function of, you know, being basically a robot provider. You know, because I've been a dad for forever.
Speaker 1:We may believe that the world revolves around us. Wait, we may believe that the world revolves around us, not just that it should, but that it does. Okay, I feel that we may believe that it isn't really our job to take care of ourselves. Someone else should do that. No, I believe in the opposite. Where, like, nobody else can help me, only me when I'm in that cycle, you know, nobody else can help me, only me when I'm in that cycle. Nobody else can help me, only me. They call it terminal uniqueness, where I think that I'm so unique it's actually killing me. My inability for other people to help me, because I think that nobody will understand.
Speaker 1:We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on is a matter of course, uh, are just too large of a burden for us to bear. No, I mean, yeah, my responsibility to myself seems like a lot, but not really to other people. I don't really complain about that, because I hide from myself by helping everybody else. I'm the last one to eat and I have to rearrange the pecking order. This is how this is affecting my life as we know it. This is how this is affecting my life as we know it.
Speaker 1:Okay, we may over or underreact to events in our lives. That is always me. So, basically, I would brush aside things that really deserve a lot of attention and be like, yeah, whatever Examples of that are sprinkled all throughout my existence, you know. And then little small things I would blow way out of proportion. Yeah, I would blow them way out of proportion. No, I, because it's easy to be right about small things and I can't wait to be right. When I'm trapped in my self-centeredness, when I'm trapped in self, I can't wait to be right and I just bludgeon people with that.
Speaker 1:Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability. This is true, I'm a little bit. I'm a lot more relaxed now. But you know, before, you know, people were scared to say things to me in general, and it's just because of my reaction and my inability to be measured in any of my responses. You know, typically the first reaction is always a wrong one. For me, if I get it right, it's honestly a guess.
Speaker 1:But most things that hold any weight in my life are going to require some thought from me, some perspective, which means some time and likely some advice, you know, know, oh, I just got to figure it out. That's the worst thing, uh, for me, that you know. Yeah, that's the worst thing for me. What I need to do is just take action. That's what I need to do. I I will never. The answers will come to me in all those avenues, but I can never just figure something out. What does unmanageability mean to me? Is the first question. I'm like, okay, yeah, what unmanageability means is that there's always, there's some kind of fire that's brewing somewhere that I'm avoiding, and that's what makes it unmanageable for me, because I'm avoiding it.
Speaker 1:You know, have I ever been arrested or legal or legal troubles as a result of my addiction? Absolutely. Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for? Only if I were caught? That's a very good question. I love that question because some people, including myself, like I, could say you know, I'm not a felon. I can say that, but I cannot say that I've never committed felonies. I've committed them but I just never got caught. And that's one of those blind spots that you know many people who live with addiction again, whether it's food, sex, gambling, you know relationships, alcohol, drugs, whatever, that if I don't get caught, it doesn't exist. As long as nobody else knows it doesn't exist. Only I know, and you can lie to yourself for as long as you want. You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what trouble have I had at work because of my addiction? Yeah, when I was younger, you know, I drank and drugged on every job that I had and yeah, it was bad. I don't think I've ever been fired because of that, but I definitely wasn't working to my full potential because I basically, I mean, I took, I took on very pretty tough tasks in hindsight but the alcohol and drugs and the attitude gave me the ability to just march through fear and just, you know, do shit. But then 70 percent of the do shit was the wrong decision, but the other 30% was good. But I was not scared any of the way and I think that's what was uh, it was helpful, you know, and then just the gains outweighed the losses.
Speaker 1:What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction? Man, I devastated my mother and my father's peace of mind. You know I was talking with this guy, anthony, the other day, yesterday at an early morning meeting. I went to go meet my sponsor. I didn't go meet him there, but I went there because I knew he would be there. In this meeting I particularly don't care for, you know, I don't really care for the crowd and that's okay. I mean those kind of people, they can get sober too. They're just not my cup of tea and that's fine. I love them and I would help any one of them and I know that maybe some of them would help me. Um, but yeah, it's a little bit pretentious Either way. Yeah, so I went there to check out Yariv.
Speaker 1:Oh, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, with my parents right. So for me it was just like I grew up in a home where there was just discipline and alcoholism and I don't want to say fear. Yeah, there was a little bit of fear, but this is what I mean. It's like you know, most people from what I understand, and this is how, like, I kind of give, kind of give my dad a little bit of grace. My mom just drank a lot. Oh, there was a lot of judgment. My mom drank every day. She went to work every day. She was a very principled person, but she talks a lot of shit about other people and she tries to do the. My mom is one of those people doing, trying to do the right thing all the time, every time, but meanwhile talk shit about other people who don't do that.
Speaker 1:So that's like you know, it's like, it's an oxymoron. Like you can't. It's hard to really be. You know, respect one without the other. If you're just trying to do the right thing, you got to believe other people are just trying to live their life can't be like oh you see, this is why they're like that, because they do this, that and the third anyway.
Speaker 1:So most people are wrong about a lot of shit growing up and then all of a sudden you have a kid right and you have the opportunity to be right about everything because of your experience. But because of their paranoia and because of their fear and because of the alcoholism, they just never relayed those messages effectively. It was almost like bullying. Like you know, somebody who can't wait to be right, like myself, you know, and that's how I, that's why my relationship with my dad was just bad, because this motherfucker, like you know, he finally it's almost like he finally has his day in court, but meanwhile he's just abusing his own family with everything that he learned the hard way. Instead of just giving them some fucking jewels. You can still give them the jewels and the gems and the lessons, but you don't have to, you know, talk down to them, which is, uh, what he, what he used to do anyway.
Speaker 1:And my response whether, even if I had great parents and I had pretty good ones, um, it didn't matter. I was trapped in, uh, in running away, ran away from myself, I ran away from them. All I wanted to do, I was telling the guy anthony, I was like dude, I didn't even know that I needed drinking until I took one. I was like, wow, I needed that. And then I was off to the races. You know, yeah, do I insist on having my own way? No, over time, I've learned that my way isn't always in the best interest of myself. So I want to do things my way, no, myself. So I want to do things my way, no, I it's. This is the other thing that we were speaking about, me and the guy Anthony.
Speaker 1:When people say I know nothing, the longer I stick around I realized I know nothing and that's true and that's, and this kind of you know delves into that. I don't know anything, but I have experience that I can draw from. But knowing is different Experience is like this is what happened last time. I can get that experience from somebody else, but as soon as I think, I know shit, like intellectually, without having any experience or anything like that it's actually speculation. I don't know what's going to happen if I do the next right thing. I don't know. I have an idea of what's not going to happen, which is, like I said, making a mess by my own hands. So I have an idea of that, but I don't know what's going to happen.
Speaker 1:You know and I can just share my experience that my wife was telling me yesterday she's like, she's like you always. She said that she's like you know you, you like to tell people what to do, and I was like, oh no, we are misinterpreting each other. I like to share things that work for me. That's not me telling you what to do. I see you suffering and then I'm like, okay, well, it's been six months or five months since you have exercised regularly, and meanwhile my wife was a gym rat three, four days minimum in the gym every some kind of exercise. Every day she's Peloton going to the gym for two hours doing the shit, drinking shakes, eating, right. So it's been six months of none of that.
Speaker 1:And then you wonder how uh you're struggling eat whatever you want, sleep in and still you know just kind of endure and trudge through the mud because it's difficult to do her school stuff and whatever. But I'm like, listen, you and the little one, my little, my little boo, you guys get up early every day, if you can, or earlier, and just take one hour and exercise together if you're both going to be in the house. Roll out two yoga mats, put on the Peloton on the TV, do a 20-minute yoga, maybe hop on the bike for 30 minutes and that's it. Or do 20-20 and then jump in the shower and that means you know the most. And what I was sharing with her is that, like, when I don't do that, that's why I have all these problems, because I don't take the time to do something difficult and release those endorphins and battle that first thing. Then the actual living life is going to be my first battle of the day Brother thing. Then the actual living life is going to be my first battle of the day brother. The likelihood of me being effective in that battle decreases infinitely the less I take care of myself first thing in the morning. So that's what I was sharing with her and I said, look, I, I drowned myself in, uh, I wouldn't say self-help stuff, but it's all self-help, it's we help actually, other people's stories that helped me.
Speaker 1:So, motivational things, uh, the right kind of books, positive spiritual stuff I drowned myself in that and most of the day, positive music that's why I love the music that I love, you know and then so that's like 80% of what I, what I engulf myself in, and then the other 20% is just like bullshit, because I need a little bit of that too. And if I'm doing good, it's like if I'm doing really good, it's like 10% bullshit and then 90% whatever. But I think 20 bullshit and 90 uh, positive, uh directions and whatever. That. Um, that's a really good mix for me and that's just what I do. And, um, and most of it is accountability stuff, because that's what it is. I can, and most of it is accountability stuff Because that's what it is.
Speaker 1:I can only change myself. And this is the whole thing powerless. I'm powerless over a lot of things. One thing I'm not powerless over is who I am and the actions I take. The actions I take determine who I am. Yeah, okay, let's continue on.
Speaker 1:Do I consider the needs of others? Yes, uh, to a fault, to a fault sometimes, because I don't want to take the responsibility of being fair to myself, but like we're working through, I'm changing that ship. You guys are working through with me. We got, um, we let go of one person from the company, we had a tough conversation with the kid, blah, blah, blah. I'm doing all the things that I've been avoiding Most of my life is really good, but it could be way better if I just take some time and just accomplish these tasks one at a time.
Speaker 1:Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Yes, yeah, I do, but I used to not, but I do now. Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? Sometimes, most times yes, because I give myself a break, like okay, I have this list of shit that I need to do and I'm going to do one thing at a time, but I get like distracted, almost like I wouldn't say like clinical, like ADHD. It's actually just me bullshitting Like, oh no, but you know, I walked past something, I can pick this up and I can put that away and I can do this, I can do that, instead of like, hey, man, sit down, go through your fucking vehicle insurance and wonder why you're paying 1200 a month and it's too high, and shop around. That's important. If you just take 30 minutes and do, then it gets done, and then you can still pick up stuff around your area and then just clean up your shop, whatever your workspace.
Speaker 1:Okay, do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? I do not, but I impulsively get agitated. I'm like fuck, of course. You know, how has this affected my life? Um, yeah, cause then I carry that energy with me when I, when I, when I surrender, when I surrender to that, do I treat every challenge as a personal insult Absolutely to that? Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult Absolutely? How has that affected my life?
Speaker 1:You know, when I explained to my wife that I was just sharing things that work for me because I love you and you and the little one are suffering, like I even said, I said, dude, my little one, she took like seven classes first semester in college. I'm like bro, that's way too much. Classes first semester in college, I'm like bro, that's way too much. You got to go at your own speed. It's good to challenge yourself. She already dropped one. And then I have to have a conversation with them like, look, if you need to get extra help, you can, or if you need to drop more classes, that's fine. After the first semester and then you got to balance out your life, which is like taking care of yourself, eating right, getting exercise and doing your schoolwork, like so what if it's an associate's degree and it takes you three years to get it instead of two? Who gives a shit? It's better than trying to get it in two and then suffering and then quitting because it's going to be hard. If you do it your way, that's how it goes, yeah, anyway. So when I relay that message, then they get insulted.
Speaker 1:Similar to my wife, do I maintain crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? Not anymore, but I used to. That was like a very big thing for me, so I was in a constant state of panic and nervousness. Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow With my health? No, with my children, no, but with a lot of other parts of my life, yes. Specifically, really just my business and my finances, and I'm not in bad shape financially, financially, but I'm a little bit irresponsible and that's just the truth, you know, and I'm like yeah, but you know it'll work out like no, no, no, when in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? I shouldn't even say my myself as a result of my addiction. I shouldn't even say my addiction as a result of my personality. Yes, yeah, like I said, I disregarded things that I should take a closer look at and then I blow things out of proportion that I should not. So now, when I get a little bit of anxiety and a little bit of fear, I realize that's actually an alert system for me that I need to be taking things a little bit more seriously. Have I harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Yes, everybody who loved me.
Speaker 1:Emotional, mental torture Again, never giving anybody a peaceful moment. Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that would lower my self-respect and sense of dignity? I don't say temper tantrums, but when I feel that need to lash out, especially if I'm in an argument with my wife or something, it's the only time really. Or sometimes with another human, with a customer. I get a little endorphin rush by ringing a bell like that. But yeah, it's pretty wild, pretty wild. All right, I gotta stop for one second because I gotta pee real quick. I'll be right back. Okay, we're back. Yeah, man, eyeballs were floating. That was a. That was a tough one. Anyway, yes, uh, temper tantrums.
Speaker 1:No, okay, did I take drugs or act out of my addiction, or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? Yes, I do it, mostly with food now, but I've been really good at it and then I give myself a little bit of a break. Yo, last night, dog, my wife and I watched something on Netflix because we didn't have any kids in the house. I brought some chicken wings home from Kettle Black Bar in Bay Ridge and we ordered some Carvel and I didn't feel too bad about it. But if I did the same thing again today, it's like, all right, one time is a treat, two times is a motherfucking, a detour. Three times is a habit which I don't want to do. Okay, what was I trying to change or suppress? Honestly, yeah, you know, when it comes to my procrastination, it's really. Yeah, I just don't want to be. I don't want to be great as much as I. I want to have excuses. It's not that I don't want to be great. I want to have excuses on why I can't be great by my own standards. Okay, what else do we have here? Oh, all right, we got a little bit of time. All right, we're going to go over reservations.
Speaker 1:Reservations are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse. They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control, something like okay, I can accept that I can't control my using of control. Something like okay, I can accept that I can't control my using, but I can still sell drugs, can I? That's weird, uh, or uh, we may think we may remain friends with people who used to, who we used uh with or bought drugs from people, places and things very important, like because I'm changing my life. I shouldn't expect everybody else's life to change, but if I'm really growing, eventually I'm going to outgrow some people in some areas of my life, and it doesn't mean that I should cut them off. It just means that, like, a little bit at a time.
Speaker 1:They just need to be compartmentalized, because I have a tendency to go backwards instead of forwards. I have to go uphill every day. You know that's what I have to do. I don't. Yeah, it's very hard for me to stay still. I typically either go up or go down, and so some people they're not going to get left in the dust, but they're on their way, and that's a different thing versus cutting somebody off like yeah, fuck them, they're zero instead of like no, they're on their way. That's a different thing versus cutting somebody off like yeah, fuck them, they're zero instead of like no, they're on their way. I'm just in a different spot. You know, let me see.
Speaker 1:Or we may think we can remain friends with people we bought drugs. No, okay, we may think that certain parts of the program don't apply to us, certain parts of the rules. What't apply to us? Certain parts of the rules? What are the rules? The rules are if you do your best to live honestly and you don't hurt anybody, you know when you're thinking about yourself or you're thinking about somebody else before you make any decision. So you can think about yourself, but you need to consider the other person. That's the difference. It can't be all about them or all about you. It has to be about you, but you need to consider other people and if you do that, then in the long run you're going to be a lot happier. Because you're going to me, I'll sleep better. I have, I don't. I don't feel the need to protect myself from everybody, and I think that's a major key, because then it just robs me of my time and my joy.
Speaker 1:You know, we may think there's something we just can't face clean a serious illness, for instance, a death or a loved one and a plan to use if ever that happens. No, I never had that any specific thing. We may think that after we've accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money or been clean for a certain number of years, then we'll be able to control our using. Yeah, it's like if my addiction was relationships and just hopping from one to another. You know, it's what they call them like a, you know, serial monogamist, if you want to say that I spent very little of my life without somebody warm to call, and that's the truth, you know. And then I learned how to not be so desperate in that way. But yeah, but I didn't.
Speaker 1:What happened was, let's say, I took a six month break, one time after a wild breakup. Yeah, it took like six months. I was like I'm not going to do anything, brother, and I didn't do anything. I just, you know, I left the fucking. I left the matches in a drawer for six months and then what did I do? I was like, oh, I think I'm ready now. I didn't do any real work on myself. I pulled them back out and lit another fire right away, and then thinking to myself, oh, this is just how things are, this is just how I am, this is just how things are, this is just how I am, you know.
Speaker 1:Okay, reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds. We are not always fully conscious of them. It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them right here, right now. Right here, right now, right here, right now. That's the first thing that came to my mind. Have I accepted the full measure of my disease? Yes, the full measure is. I can never really 100% trust my own mind, and this is not something that medication or whatever will fix. This is just an emotional and spiritual malady that I have to surrender to the fact that I need all of the help that I need. I need all of you in my life. I need a community of people who, even if they don't have my best interest in mind, they have good principles that they can share with me, you know, or accountability.
Speaker 1:I learned a lot from people that I don't like when they would tell me shit about myself and I had to admit a little bit of it was true. Tell me shit about myself and I had to admit a little bit of it was true. Yeah, do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction? No, can I still go to places where I used? I was in a bar yesterday, but I don't recommend, uh, that I don't really go unless I have to. Um, I choose to, but it's not a place where do I think it's wise to keep drugs and paraphernalia around just to remind myself or test my recovery? No, but I can honestly say this that what, what does happen is, um, you know I'll reminisce and listen to.
Speaker 1:You know old, I love music from the 90s because that was my heydays Funny because I was talking to my wife about this yesterday when we figured out what to watch and like just that nostalgia of those times. And you know I can get carried away with that. 90s, alternative, 90s, hardcore, 90s rap, 90s dancehall, 90s R&B, 90s movies, anyway. So there was this movie that I used to watch over and over because I had it taped when I was a kid, and it's a fantastic movie. I haven't seen it in 30 years and I told my wife yesterday. I said I haven't seen this thing in 30 years, but I used to love it. It's called when the Day Takes you and it's a great movie and it's about homeless young people.
Speaker 1:I think in LA Kids of all different walks of life, kids and young adults like late teens, early 20s, some 30s that they're just living in addiction and in the street and living free. But it's not all sunshine and rainbows. There's a lot of bad shit and there's a lot of bad people and it's it's like really and I used to watch that film and I was sharing it with my wife I was like, I was like dude. I used to. You know cause I I never wanted to be. I wanted to daydream and be somewhere else. Meanwhile, you know, when I was out of my parents' home, that's how I lived. I lived out there in the street just like everybody else that I knew. Did you know? We didn't go and play tag or flag football, whatever, bro, we just went and looking for the next one, the next party, the next drug, the next woman, the next whatever, just the next one. And it was beautiful because we were not, you know, yeah, we just wasn't where we didn't want to be so anyway. So, and so I love that film I was like, oh, this is a lot like how I feel on the inside when I watched that movie.
Speaker 1:Kids, I was like dude. That's how I behaved on the outside. I was like I was like dude. They could have followed my whole crew doing that and a lot of other people. It wasn't like we were some crazy, you know. You know, pack of animals, like every group of teenagers that I knew or that I associated myself with every clique or crew, whatever. They all behaved that way. We just go from party to party. You know, I'm sorry. Tomorrow, all of our parents were like you know of our parents were like you know, yeah, I think they surrendered. We all hated them. Like you know, it's almost like, hey, look, I wanted to drink as much as I want and I couldn't wait till I was big enough to beat up my pop. Like those are like my life goals. You know, I need to drink and get as high as much as I can, hang out with as many women as I can, and and I can't wait to the day that I can just do that, anyway.
Speaker 1:So when I'm describing this movie to Emily, she's like oh, it sounds fucking sad. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, she's like, yeah, it sounds sad. But the shit that happens in the street, like that drugs, ods, people getting beat up, people getting shot, you know to call it, we'll call it trauma bonding, you know, she's like it sounds really sad. And I was like, oh my god, I never even thought about it. Like that, she's like, yeah, do you think your perspective would be different now? Because I was like, oh, maybe I'll watch it with my little boo, you know like, oh, this is how it was in the 90s, but it's probably a sad film. I'm like dude man. Well, at the time it was just life, that was our life and it was filled, I guess, with a lot of sadness. Yeah, so that's what I mean In my mind.
Speaker 1:I can drift into those areas. I'm mind I can drift into those areas. I'm like I remember this and I remember that and I remember this and I don't, you know, and I'm like, wow, that was crazy, that that happened to that person and now we lost that person. You know, yeah, yeah. So I just can't, I can't wall, wallow and I can't stay there too long. You know, I'm happy that I lived that, but I, you know, I can't stay there. And then my kids, they don't live that and I'm like, oh, that's in my mind. I'm like that's why they're fucking babies, bo. You know they weren't in eighth grade.
Speaker 1:You know crashing cars or somebody od'ing at a party, you know, and whatever you know, anyway, let me see, do I think that? Uh, wait, let me see. Okay, is there something I think I can't get through clean? Some event that may happen that'll be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt? Um, no, drugs and alcohol, no, but I don't know what I would do if my wife got sick. If she got sick and something bad happened to her or I had to take care of her, what? If I have to take care of her, whatever, fine, but if something bad happened to her, she was gone, I would be devastated. It would be a lot for me and I wouldn't want anybody to try and help me, and that's the problem. So I have to think about that and work on that, but not obsessively dwell on that, but that has to be on the menu.
Speaker 1:Do I think that some amount of clean time or with different life circumstances, I will be able to control my using? No, I can't control anything. It's funny. The only thing I can really control, yeah, I can only control my actions. That's really it. And even then, like I have to really push myself a lot, what reservations am I holding on to? I'm not holding on to any, to be honest. You know, thank God that I have a community of people who will help me, because I can't do it on my own. I always say the same thing without help. It is too much for us, but there is one who has your whole power. That one is God. May you find him now.
Speaker 1:Okay, so next week we're going to go over surrender, spiritual principles, and then we'll be done with step one in the life of you know, in my life. You know the sober experience. This is what it's about. How do I apply these things, and my life has changed just as I started going through this stuff with you guys. It really made me, um, you know, really made me look at some of the stuff that I uh that I hadn't been looking at.
Speaker 1:Oh, lastly, you know, here's another thing. So I jumped through all those hoops to get my trt, uh so, and I had my doctor's appointment this week. So the last thing I have to do is literally just click on a thing and order my batch and I already fucking paid, and that's like a very. Let me write this down on my list of things to do and I'm going to do it as soon as I get off the phone. Order TRT.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a big thing for me is to like, start things and not finish them, and pay for shit and not use it. There's a lot of that and that's uh, you know that maybe, uh, maybe in the other steps or at the end of this one, I could start, uh, start facing that shit, so like and subscribe and share on all podcast platforms Spotify, google, apple, everywhere. And you know also, you know, belated happy anniversary to my boy. Patrick just did a bunch of circles around the sun, not drinking, getting better. He's somebody I love. There's no more words than I just love him. Above, you know, above vocabulary, but I'll blame that also on the vaccine. All right, love you guys, peace.