The Sober Experience

The Power of Saying No: Personal Growth, Family Joy, and Addiction Recovery

• Jay Luis

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What if learning to say "no" could transform your life in ways you never imagined? This week on Sober Experience, we explore the profound impact of personal growth and honesty, sharing heartwarming stories of family gatherings filled with Puerto Rican comfort food and childhood antics that will tickle your funny bone. Relish in the nostalgic flavors of pig's feet and Valencia pineapple cake, while we reflect on the joy of seeing our parents' happiness and the simple pleasures of a weekend well spent.

Facing the reality of personal and professional accountability can be gut-wrenching, but it's essential for true growth. Join us as we unpack the emotional complexities of saying no to others and yes to ourselves, and the struggle of running a business with genuine integrity. From confronting unresolved issues to building strong support systems, discover the steps needed to prioritize your well-being without compromising those around you. This candid conversation highlights the fears and rationalizations that often hold us back and the transformative power of honest dialogue.

Understanding powerlessness in addiction recovery is a journey fraught with challenges, but it's a crucial step toward healing. We delve into the nuanced concept of powerlessness, sharing personal anecdotes of compulsive behaviors and the shame associated with past actions. Learn why acknowledging our limitations is vital for recovery and how untreated addiction can lead us back to destructive patterns. Stay tuned as we prepare to discuss unmanageability in our next episode, continuing our commitment to uncovering the truths of addiction recovery. Don't forget to subscribe and share with friends who might benefit from these insights.

Speaker 1:

Hey, what's up everybody, Welcome back Sober Experience. You know the deal Like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. I don't even know why I say like the likes don't matter. Share and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Let's bring a little music in. We're going to do some Sizzla this week. This one is called Solid as a Rock One of my favorites.

Speaker 3:

Here it is. They can't keep a good man down. Always keep a smile when they want me to frown, keep the rhymes, and I stood my ground. They will never, ever take my crown. No dumplings. I say no man hurts Things getting better when they thought it would be worse, nope.

Speaker 1:

What up everybody, welcome back. You know the deal, man. Such a powerful record, solid as a rock yeah, man, that's what we're trying to be. That's who we're trying to be. You know Solid on who we are. You know Not, uh, you know Not fronting front in, not fronting on ourselves or the people we love. You know being honest with ourselves, man. It's so crazy. You know, learning how to say no to yourself. I could never say no. My whole life. I had to learn how to say no to myself. I said yes to everything. You know Crazy, yeah, but that was my nature. You know, I never said no. I never said no. Either way, I hope you guys are having a good week.

Speaker 1:

I just spent the last, I guess, pool party with my mama up in the rock. I brought my yeah, I brought myself with me and it's nice, man. It's like, you know, to see my mom and even my dad, to see them both and just for them to be happy is nice. I went all the way off the fucking rails with the eating up there. My mom made some crazy Puerto Rican shit that I was like Jesus Christ. I was like, where the fuck are we? It was like black bean sauce, like black, not soup, but like yo black bean sauce with fucking pig Not soup, but like Yo Black bean sauce With fucking pig's feet. I was like no thanks, yeah, but I bought the, the biggest pig foot Knuckle, whatever Like that bitch would have had like a four finger ring on, even though I know they probably have like only three hoofs. That's how big the thing was. I took that bitch right away and I brought her home for my wife, because my wife is like a fucking bush baby. She fucking eats all that shit, all the cartilage shit. She eats fucking chicken feet, everything.

Speaker 1:

My mom there was this lady that was there. She came with my cousin Mondo, and she had like a tote bag, a western beef tote bag, which is pretty impressive. I mean, it's a tote bag. I guess you know the stuff that they give you now at the supermarket to take with you whatever, like those, the Target bags. You know the one that set it off I think was ikea, but these aren't as big as that, but either way, it was fucking yellow, um, western beef bag.

Speaker 1:

I was like like that's like a. You know that's a statement, you know it was dope and um. So we were just telling these stories on how, when I was a little kid and, um, I used to go to the school that my mom taught at, which was in the south bronx, and western beef was like a wholesale I don't even know it was wholesale, just discount fucking whatever. Anyway, that was the supermarket that I knew. Western Beef when we was in the Bronx, when we were up in the woods in Rockland, we would go to. My dad was like a big Pathmark guy. I don't know why he loved it. Yeah, he'd drive all the way to Nanyo.

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Pathmark. I'm like what the heck? You don't go to ShopRite or fucking Grand Union. Sometimes we go to Grand Union or whatever, but now he shops in New City ShopRite like a fucking, like a waspy, but anyway. So this lady had the Western Union tote bag it was impressive, and we had a Valencia cake that was there, a pineapple cake. This tote bag, it was impressive, and we had a valencia cake that was there, a pineapple cake. It doesn't. This is like a super puerto rican party, fucking pigs feet. Western beef tote bags valencia cake, pineapple anyway. So in western beef they had like the meat section that was that was like closed off, where it was like fucking freezing in there.

Speaker 1:

And I guess I was a polar bear, since I was a little kid because I used to love going in and I had these big long plastic drapes and used to go run through the drapes and it would be fucking freezing in there and the meat would be there and you know it was in the Bronx the pigs would be hanging upside down. This is what my mom said. She's like you know, jared was, like you know, a kid and he would be going there and the pigs would be hanging upside down and she said that I would be poking the pig in the eye. Like, wow, what's up, what's up, what's up with this thing, and I would be poking the pig in the eye. I thought that was funny. I was like, wow, I was a little fuck, since I was a little fuck you know. Wow, I was a little fuck, since I was a little fuck, you know yeah so that was a good time.

Speaker 1:

It was a good time and I drove home. I had to pull over and take a nap on the way home. That's how bad. I went off the rails with the food man. I had rice and beans, fucking zed rice and beans, zed meatball sausages and peppers all on the same plate and you douse it with some fucking hot sauce, bro, that was it, man. I was fucking forget it, but it was great. So, anyway, on the way home, I stopped off, took a nap Halfway home for about 20 minutes and I got home and gave my wife all the food, whatever, because you know, I got to bring plates home for my wife, bought her a slice of cake so that way she can have. You know, that's it because she couldn't come to the spicnic.

Speaker 1:

Because, um, her and my little one, yo college bro, they're getting all this homework and all this stuff. Dude, I would rather work 80 hours a week doing my own thing than going to freaking college. The amount of work that these people are getting is ridiculous. I can't even believe that. You know, it makes you respect people who get a degree, like because you're at the mercy, you're at the mercy of, like all this stuff and some of these teachers are about the same age as my wife or younger we're 45. So some of them are younger and, bro, you know, not the men, but the women, they got a little fucking, they got a little bit of ego to them, you know, and it makes me angry because I'm like dude, I don't want anybody. Nobody talks down to my wife, except for me. That's the deal. And, um, I try not to do that one day at a time. But, yeah, nobody talks down to my wife. And some of these teachers, they talk down to us. Bro, I will fucking go in and slap that bitch. How do you like me now? Or I can be like a little Karen Yenta and then, um, you know, write like anonymous letters or something stupid, which I'd rather not do. I'd rather just you, you know, give them the old brooklyn, shut them up. But no, that's all like fantasy land. So, whatever, anyway, any way, um, yeah, so that's what I've been up to last. Uh, and we, I'm gonna get back into the literature now. I've been having a good time with it and getting some pretty good feedback, like hate it or love it, but yeah, I think it's been pretty helpful, both of myself and it's actually given me a lot of accountability. So, if you haven't been listening, we've been working through step one in the step working guide and there's a lot of good stuff here that you can apply anywhere in your life, and I'm doing it in real time.

Speaker 1:

So, anyway, this next part of the first step is about hitting bottom Despair and isolation. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Okay, our addiction finally brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem, whatever that problem may be. All the lies and rationalizations, all the illusions fall away as we stand face to face with what our lives have become Fuck Jesus. We realize we've been living without hope. We find we've become friendless and so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy. Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state, though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state, the truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery. This I completely agree with. I said this on the computer today Without the test, there is no testimony.

Speaker 1:

Man, you got to go through this dark fucking place of like yo, I can't hide from these things anymore. You know, I told you lately I've been taking more accountability in my life and again saying no to people and saying yes to myself, uh, in a constructive way. And it's it's been painful. It was painful knowing that all of that stuff has been looming with some of the relationships I have in my life, mostly with myself and with people close to me, especially with some of my workers, and this and that. And it's been moving along. It's been turning corners, but it's like you know, yeah, it's not easy. Along it's been turning corners, but it's like you know, yeah, it's not easy, it's not easy, you know anyway. So we realize we've been living without hope. That I don't know.

Speaker 1:

But I remember back then, yeah, where it says all the lies, rationalizations, all the illusions fall away as we stand face to face with what our lives have become. This is extreme ownership, this is me, and like in the other book where all scorecards read zero, at the end you got to pay what you owe, you know, and it's meaning that sometimes you may owe it to yourself to be good to yourself. You know, taking that time out for yourself, making those healthy choices, living a healthy lifestyle, and you don't have to do that at the expense of anybody, but you have to do that with your own priorities in, you know, I guess in first place, or whatever you want to call it, I don't know, I'm not trying to be so eloquent, whatever, anyway. So first question in this part what crisis has brought me to my recovery? Hmm.

Speaker 1:

Recovery. Well, at this point in my recovery, what crisis has brought me to this point? Yeah, I can say that you know, avoiding, yeah, avoiding the truth. I was. I think I maybe spoke about this last week. I know I spoke about it with my sponsor because it came to me. We're like, okay, so I have my own business and I kind of run my own show a little bit. You know, I have a rental property, some other stuff in the loop, and the crisis I guess that brought me.

Speaker 1:

Well, here's the thing I've been living my life professionally in this way and, trust me, we live pretty comfortable. We can do basically what we want within reason. You know, we're not. We have more, more, way more than what we need and we get a lot of what we want, a lot. So, yeah, but I, I was like I was living this life not as a business owner or as a business person, but as somebody who doesn't want to work.

Speaker 1:

It's not the same thing and that was my revelation and I went through that in the last two or three weeks while reading some of this stuff. That's what I learned the difference between not wanting to work and owning a business. Owning a business means that I have to respect the business, that I have to respect the business, and then I have all this the business has these protocols in place and there's no real super vagueness and whatever. And not wanting to work means that like, if my guys do all the work that I don't want to do, I'll pay them what I pay them and I let a lot of other shit slide because I don't want to do that work, whereas I guess I was scared that if I'm like, listen, no, this is an actual business and you need to do what the fuck you're supposed to be doing and not no other bullshit, you know, then I was scared that I would lose them and then I would have to do that work, which I don't want to fucking do. So there's that, that fear, but eventually you know you're just like listen, somebody else will come and take their place, but it's so hard to find good people. That's more rationalization, you know, yeah, I can find, I can talk my way back into the hole, and all that stuff was making me like depressed, because I knew it was in some way. I wouldn't say full-fledged depression, but it was. You know, it was looming because it's hard to have real conversations with people, man, where you, you do you risk somebody saying something back besides okay, which is almost every time. You know I'm that. Who the fuck just says okay. You know who says that People who are going to continue to do whatever the fuck they want. That's who says okay, you know, yeah, it's fucking hard, man, but you got to go through that stuff, you got to go through the hard shit and I go through it with you guys as my help. I go through it with meetings, I go through it with people in my network. So that way, you know, because I can't do it on my own, I can, but I won't. You know, I'll let again. I'd let you know. Like the cranberries, I had to let it linger. I'm not going to go into song, but it's a great fucking song. Anyway, yeah, so that's what it was. That's what brought me to this corner.

Speaker 1:

Okay, what situation led me to formally work on step one? I just described that. When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? My addiction as a problem, did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not? If the if not, why not? Is the problem of everything. You know my addiction could be anything. You know, yeah, it could be anything. But if not, why not? Why haven't I? Why did it take me so long to confront my wife about things that maybe I didn't care for? I don't know when that was, but remember, like every, every time I approach her, I feel like a baby crawling on their fucking knees with, like you know, like a, like a plate in their hand, like, please, please, please. It's probably related to the same way with the workers and the same way with everybody else. I can either be super dick and be like fuck everybody and whatever, or I'm like a baby and then I'm scared. You know, I'm scared. Everybody's gonna leave, I guess, but you know, I don't know. I'm not going to analyze myself, but that's the. If not, why not? Yeah, okay, let's move on. We're going to try and finish this chapter today. We're only 18 minutes in, so I think we're going to have some time.

Speaker 1:

Powerlessness as addicts, we react to the word powerless in a variety of ways. Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief. I mean, it's like fuck, all right, yeah, there's nothing I can do. Sometimes it's that, like you know, I'm a fucking junkie. I'm addicted to relationships, I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to food, I'm addicted to misery, I'm addicted to depression. Others recoil at the word, connecting it with the weakness of believing it, to indicate some kind of character deficiency, understanding powerlessness and how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery. It helps us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.

Speaker 1:

Powerless means like there's nothing I can do. You know, I have to let go of the need to control everything, especially things. I'm powerless over how people are going to react and how they're going to respond and how they're going to live, and I'm powerless over the fact that even when I do approach people with things that I've been holding on to that guess what they're not just going to respond right away with what I want to hear or maybe change in other ways. I have to remember that many of the things that I put on the table to people are is news to them and not everybody just uh, yeah, and everybody has their own process. And to give them that that space, you know, especially my parents, especially my wife and some of my kids. My son fucking forget it, and the other two they want them too, whatever their names, wherever their identities are.

Speaker 1:

We are powerless when a driving force in our life is beyond our control. Okay, our, what to say? Our addiction certainly qualifies us, uh qualifies as such an uncontrollable driving force. Whatever the addiction is, we cannot moderate, control our drug use or other compulsive behaviors, even when they're causing us to lose things that matter most to us, like our self-respect, dignity, integrity. What was I saying when we first started that? You frontin' on yourself. You turn your back on yourself. Man, that's a fucking hard thing to live with.

Speaker 1:

I was talkin' about that kinda stuff to my wife. I was just like some of the shit that I've said and done to her over our relationship, whatever. I don't wallow in that stuff, but I'm ashamed of it. You know as you grow past that I'm like man I fuckin' I called her this name in that stuff, but I'm I'm ashamed of it. You know as you grow past that, but man, I fucking I called her this name in a fit of anger or whatever. Or I said this to her, or my intention was this, or whatever. And yo, she ain't no angel, she's a human being too so it's not. Uh, yeah, but you know you got, you know, stuff that you can't take back. You know you can't take back that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's so crazy.

Speaker 1:

Okay, continue, we cannot stop. Even when we continue. We surely, even when to continue, we cannot stop, comma. We surely, even when to continue, we cannot stop, comma, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage. We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren't for our addiction, things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them.

Speaker 1:

I think about that with, like you know, I have choice and not control all the time, but I have choice over. I talk a lot about food and healthy living. So I have choice of what I put in my body. Man, and when I ring that fucking bell, bro, I rang that bell with the with the pasta and the rice and whatever, and I'm like, yeah, it's a party, it's whatever. Just because it's a party doesn't mean I have to punish myself.

Speaker 1:

But I went full-blown bucket fucking to the face, glutton, and guess what on the way home. Of course I had to take a nap. I was in a carb fucking coma and what do I do? I run into the gas station after I take a nap in the gas station parking lot like a fucking junk illusion. Grab some fucking sour straws whatever sour power Sugar you know. I blast off half a pack of them Haribo, sour, whatevers on the way home. And some sweet tart. Them little sweet tart joints are good. The big ones are really good, are good, the big ones are really good. But the big ones are so good I'm like an animal. I fucking drool all over myself every time I eat them. The big fat ones pause and um, yeah, it was bad. Yeah, because I rang that one fucking bell, the fuck it bell. I rang it, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, we may even decide that we don't want to use, that we aren't going to use, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself. In those moments I could say no, I can make a different turn, I can make a different choice. I have a tattoo on my arm that says people make choices. My mom used to say that every time the police were coming. When I was a kid, we have tried to abstain from use, from drug use and other compulsive behaviors, perhaps with some success for a period of time, without a program, only to find that our untreated addiction eventually takes us back to where we were before.

Speaker 1:

Turn the page in order to damn. This page looks like it has a lot of fucking questions. In order to work, the first step we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level. Over what exactly am I powerless? I am powerless over people, places and things that are beyond my influence. And what kind of influence does that mean? My, and what kind of influence does that mean? It's like when I'm showing up to people, places and uh, people, places and things, but just people. When I'm showing up in my life, who am I? When I'm showing up, you know, what the other people are doing is a reflection of who they are and who am I. So I'm not completely powerless over how that situation turns out. I do have some influence and some agency, but I am powerless over how life and people are going to respond to who I am on an individual level. But I have faith that I keep going with uh, the, the lord as my guiding light, the principles. It's like that uh, michael jackson step on the fucking thing. You know the light when he steps on the floor. That's what it's like, yeah, we have to surrender to that, and that's what this is about.

Speaker 1:

The first step I've done things, while acting out of my addiction, that I would have never done, focusing on recovery. What were they? I just explained some of that shit, especially with my wife, who I love so much. Yeah, when I was just wrapped up in my ego, you know just the way that I looked at her, the way I looked at everybody, like they were all a little bit lucky that I was around, If I'm being honest with myself which is, I think, a defense mechanism for that thing that I was saying before where I'm crawling on the fucking floor like a baby Because I think everyone's going to leave me Stupid and selfish. It's not even stupid, it's disgusting actually. Anyway, what things have I done to maintain my addiction that were completely against all my beliefs and values At that time? I can't even say when I was drinking and using drugs. That was my value system. I didn't value anything else. Everybody was either on the road with me or they were in the way and there was nothing off limits. I didn't have any values. I got all my values in recovery.

Speaker 1:

How does my personality change when I'm acting out of my addiction? Oh, for example, do I become arrogant, self-centered, mean-tempered, passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Fuck, that's all those. Jesus Christ, this book is fucking. This is my first time reading all of this and I'm doing it with you. This is crazy, yeah. Passive to the point where I can't protect myself. Manipulative, whiny oh my God, I become all of those things. All of those things. Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How every interaction in my life was some form of manipulation and that's the truth, every single one.

Speaker 1:

I was dishonest my whole life when I was a kid, you know, if it it wasn't, I don't know the fucking deal. You know, it's like my cats. My cats, they, they come and they go and they fucking rub on my leg. Uh, they get a treat. So guess what they're gonna do when they want a treat, is that so when I was a kid, you know you would think, as any kid, like bro, if I'm crying and you're if I, if I see a crying kid, what it would take for me to not pick them up. Bro, come on, would take everything, you know, and maybe they need to be picked up, maybe not all the time, but it's okay to cry and whatever. But you know, you learn how to manipulate people from an early age is what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, you know. But it's okay to cry, boys, boys cry, not boys, don't Boys fucking cry? I haven't cried in 25 years, but boys cry.

Speaker 1:

Okay, have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? No, not in a long time. When I first yeah, when I first got sober that was my first time really trying have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long? Okay, that has happened to me with, uh, some behaviors. Uh, you know, yeah, that you know you could stop something, but it's hard to stay stopped, whatever that thing is mostly like.

Speaker 1:

Now, it's like, you know, for me, procrastination is like a drug. That's the thing, man, it is For me. I'll be like, oh, let me just, oh, let me give myself a break. Let me watch, like, let me do some doom scrolling on Instagram or watch some fucking YouTube videos, something stupid. Anyway, how has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others? You know, when you eventually you can't run from yourself, you just can't, and that's the truth and I'm only willing to change when I'm finally, when I'm ready. And guess what? My process of getting ready, of tumbling down that hole, is somewhat at the expense of other people who love me, who are around me and not. You know, everything is and it's just so hard because you don't want to be nobody's perfect. But even like my wife said she was like yo every dollar that I misspend I'm hurting the family.

Speaker 1:

I'm like it doesn't have to be that fucking true, or maybe that's her like addiction thing, but to me it's like every yeah, every time that I fuck off or whatever, or I don't follow through or I don't respect the business, or I don't whatever, take care. Every time that I choose, they call it. I'm trying to remember this, saying I'm sorry, it's something along these lines. It was very powerful when I heard it. It said choosing comfort today instead of the pain of tomorrow. Right, you're thinking about the pain of tomorrow. Right, you're thinking about the pain of tomorrow. So you're choosing comfort today. And every day is that and that cycle of that, that like you're avoiding that pain and you're just picking whatever's easy in front of you right away to give you a little bit of comfort. Yeah, when the truth is is, if you go through that pain today, you will have the comfort tomorrow. It's fucking wild how that works.

Speaker 1:

You know, facing myself today and the power, part of the powerlessness Is that I realize that I have a very, very hard time facing myself by myself. For me it is impossible. There's a saying in how it works in the AA literature. Very simple I say it all the time Without help it is too much for us. Yeah, without help, it is too much for us. Wherever you get that help, it is too much for us.

Speaker 1:

The next line says but there is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him now. Yeah, I can't pray my way or meditate my way into a good life. I need to pray and meditate and have a relationship with all of you and with him, so that way I can take the actions that I need to have a good life. Prayer doesn't do it, and when I take those actions, my relationship With God, with the higher power, it gets stronger.

Speaker 1:

Because I did it without Doing, because I did it without doing drugs. I did it without you know it was painful, whatever it may be. Sometimes in the beginning it was like paying my bills on time. How about not lying just for a whole day? Imagine that. Don't tell one lie the whole fucking day. Maybe there are people who can do that.

Speaker 1:

That's not an easy task for a guy like me, especially with some of the difficulties that I was sharing with you guys today and my extreme neediness. Is that a right word? There is never enough of anything. So my need to be liked, my need to feel loved. I can already be loved and I am, but when I'm in that space where I need to feel it, then there's not enough love on earth to fill that void, and that's the nature of this problem. And the good thing is that there is a solution and that's what we're working on. So tune in next week. Share, subscribe, if you want to like you can, on all podcast platforms Spotify, apple, youtube. Go to our channel, subscribe, share with your friends. Um, yeah, and today was a good one.

Speaker 1:

I was hoping to get rid of that chapter, but I didn't. Uh, we still did. Jesus, fucking christ, bro. Next week we're going to talk about unmanageability. Jesus, you know, we've made so much progress just in the first half of the first step, talking about powerlessness. The first step is that I'm powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable. So now, next week, we're going to start on the unmanageability. Yeah, so maybe you guys can listen back if you need to share these episodes with your friends. Whoever is like suffering in silence or not silence, and I'll see you guys on the flip side. Peace.