The Sober Experience
Recovery and mental health, spirituality and life. We will be sitting down with people in and out of recovery who have helpful tips and shared experiences to provide better love and understanding on this earth. There will be a wide veriaty of topics discussed and after each interview there will be another reflection episode where I can analyze what we spoke of and what sticks to mind.
The Sober Experience
Confronting Denial in Recovery: Navigating Accountability and Self-Awareness
Ever caught yourself rationalizing behaviors that you know aren’t helping your recovery? This episode of Sober Experience unpacks the intricacies of self-denial and delusion that often accompany addiction. We'll share some personal updates, including my TRT journey and the ever-evolving challenges of maintaining a health and fitness routine while staying sober. Expect a humorous tale about the dangers of dozing off and a candid discussion on steering clear of needless conflicts to protect your well-being. We turn to the NA step working guide to talk about how denial can cloud our judgment and the crucial steps we need to take to acknowledge and overcome it.
Our conversation deepens as we navigate the rocky terrain of accountability and relationships, both personal and professional. We'll explore my own challenges in communicating effectively, particularly with my wife, and the instinctive justifications that come from my past behaviors. Through stories from my work and home life, I’ll highlight the importance of self-awareness and personal responsibility in recovery. We also touch on a friend’s struggle with testosterone treatment, draw insightful comparisons, and discuss the bravery required to make steady, sustainable changes. Don’t miss out on this heartfelt discussion filled with practical wisdom for your recovery journey.
Yo yo yo, what's up? Welcome back Sober Experience. You know the deal. We are back, yup yup. Hope you guys are doing great. I love this track KRS the Teacher, the MC, the MC man. I love rap music, I just do. Anyway, welcome back Sober Experience. Don't forget to like, share, subscribe. I don't even care if you guys like any of the stuff Physically, like hit the button. More importantly is if you share the content or tell a friend. Tell a friend, yeah. So I hope you guys had a fantastic week.
Speaker 1:I've been doing pretty good myself. You know, getting myself back on track. I'm always. I'm never. You know, I'm never completely off the. I mean, I was off the rails a little bit, but I'm never 100% completely off the rails.
Speaker 1:Dog, I just had some chicken that I ordered from this place who is not a sponsor. What was the name of it? It was downtown Brooklyn. I think it was called like D's Fried Chicken or something. And yeah, mr D's fried chicken, listen, man, and I ordered just like the regular fried chicken because I didn't know. You know they have some other options of like flavor or batter or whatever, and I don't like to fucking gamble with places I don't know. But next time I'm gonna have to try and gamble, because the chicken was good, um, but you know, the, the batter lacked a little bit of seasoning. Maybe it's, um, you know, gentrification, they're even, uh, gentrifying fried chicken, bow. So, yeah, that's what that's going on.
Speaker 1:I I told you guys, I'm gonna, I'm doing my my pre Whatever for TRT, testosterone placement therapy and, yeah, I got my blood work back. My blood Work is Fucking phenomenal, it's uh, yeah, blood work was good and, um, you know, I'm just, I guess I'm at that point in my, in my fucking journey where, like you know, I need to uh, turn back the clock a little bit. So the T-range is not low, low, but it ain't whatever. I think the range they said was like 250 or something to like 1100. And I'm at like 430 or 450, which ain't it, that ain't it. You know, and I've been back in the gym pretty good exercising and um, but still, like you know, I think this is a, personally, is the right time for me to make an attempt, and as long as this doesn't turn me into a motherfucker hound dog, no, it ain't going to do that. As long as it doesn't make me into some kind of whatever, like an angrier person. I'm going to stay on it and then, once you get on it, you're on, that's it. You know, that's it. That's the deal.
Speaker 1:Men's health, this ain't weightlifting competitions or, you know, getting ready for the summer or any of that stuff. This is like I mean, I've been crashing like in the afternoon all the time and like low energy and all kind of stuff, so it's all related. You know I haven't been sleeping good. You know I haven't been sleeping good, you know, but then when I knock out, I fucking knock out. You know I knocked out. Yesterday my wife was sending my son a text or something she's like, as soon as I'm done with this text, like whatever, whatever, wink, wink, and I was just like I just fell right out and she got fucking mad and that's okay, that's okay, um, either way. So that's where we're at.
Speaker 1:I've been doing good, staying out of the fray as far as like the politics stuff goes and all the uh, extra, uh, curricular activities, with fighting with people in my head and in my heart and on this earth, and that's it. You know, that's the deal. I'm going to just try and stay focused and stay disciplined. Disciplined above everything else, you know, and that's where we're at. So last week, last week's episode, we were talking we're still doing some work on step one, which is, you know, we're still like a third of the way through. If you haven't listened to last week's episode, you can just go back and listen way through. If you haven't listened to last week's episode, you can just go back and listen. And we're doing the steps piecemeal through the NA step working guide. It's really dope. So we're going to continue on this.
Speaker 1:I'm going to read a little bit and then maybe talk about it a little bit about what I used to think, what I think now and where I'm at. To read a little bit and then maybe talk about it a little bit, about what I used to think, what I think now and where I'm at now regarding all this stuff. And maybe it can apply. And what does it say? If the rules don't apply, let it fly, right. That's the thing, okay. So now it talks about denial.
Speaker 1:Denial is a part of our disease that tells us that we don't have a disease. When we are in denial, we are unable to see the reality of our addiction. We minimize its effect. We blame others, citing the too high expectations of family, friends, employers. We compare ourselves with other addicts whose addiction seems worse than our own. We may blame one particular drug. If we have been abstinent from drugs for some time, we might compare the current manifestation of our addiction with our drug use, rationalizing that nothing we do today could possibly be as bad as that was.
Speaker 1:One of the easiest ways to tell that we are in denial is when we find ourselves giving plausible but untrue reasons for our behavior. Yeah, I think. Well, here's what happens, like. I think there's two things for me, like when I first uh, well, denial means that I know what's going on and I'm unwilling to accept what it is. That's what denial means to me. But besides denial, there's fucking delusion. Right, I was delusional for a long time, and that's the difference. Delusion means I am in full flight from reality, that I have no clue of what reality is, because I'm so wrapped in my own self that I can't even comprehend anybody else. You know, and I think that's a difference. So there has to be places in my life where I'm in real denial about.
Speaker 1:You know what's going on, you know whether it's relationships with people that I love, and you know, like, the situations that I have. You know, like I was saying, I think, last week, with, like, some of my, some of the people that work with me. You know, I've been going through this transition with my wife, because this is the part of my life where, with my wife because this is this is the part of my life where, uh, you know, I have the most uh difficulties and she was saying that like, uh, you know not that I have this savior syndrome. I tend to to take on other people's uh problems. You know, it's one thing to extend the hand of help. It's another thing to, you know, try and really absorb all of the stuff that is not yours. And I have a tendency to do that. And she was just like you know, she's like you want to and she's she says stuff to me that's like triggering and that's how I know that there may be a grain of truth. She's like, oh, you just want to be like the hero. All the time, in every situation, you want to be the hero. And I was like, instead of like lashing out or, you know, reacting, I was like. You know it may be partly true.
Speaker 1:You know, I spent most of my life in that delusional state and I couldn't even consider anybody else. I can't even say most of my life, you know, 45. I'd say half of my life, okay, because, yeah, maybe a little bit less than half of my life, a third of my life that I've been this, this new guy. So what I'm saying is that, you know, I was so far on the other side of the spectrum that the recovery process swung me to the other side and it wasn't just like, oh, I'm just going to drink and do whatever I want and party with women and whatever. Like that wasn't it. It was just in every thought and every intention was self-seeking what about me? When is it going to be my turn? When is it going to be my turn? And that was like just how I was. I didn't have to learn to be like that. Like I came feel like I came out of the womb with like ulterior motives. You know, I don't know Just the way that I was, just the way that I was. So I was in delusion, you know.
Speaker 1:And now what's happening is that, like my relationships with some of the people in my life, you know, I tell, I tell my wife, I'm like yo, like I don't know how to be. Like in the middle ground, I know how to be, like, listen, I will give you 100% or I will give you 0%, and the truth is is that both of them are obviously wrong. So I'm like yo, but I and I'm telling her and I'm honest with her. I'm like you know, I look at every opportunity that comes across my life, like how can I help? You know, and she's like that's a great thing to have, but you help all the way to the fucking moon and then when people don't listen to you, according to you, you get angry. When people don't listen, not according to me get angry, not when people don't listen, not according to me. It's very obvious like I get resentful, I get angry, I get let down, I get, I feel betrayal, I feel like I'm wasting my time with people. So it's really I'm just trying to control motherfuckers. You know, I'm saying because she's like yo, these people, some of them are going to be how they're going to be, regardless of whatever you tell them. Because, like you say, sir, until they're ready, they ain't ready.
Speaker 1:But that it affects everybody. It affects my emotional state, my mental state, my well-being. You know how much am I willing to let go of the control, of trying to control outcomes in my life. And that's the difference between denial and delusion. Because I'm in denial when it comes to that stuff. I don't want to believe, I just I don't want to believe that people want to hurt me, you know, either on purpose or as an incident or collateral damage of them being selfish. You know, because, like I don't, I don't want to accept that that's reality. Yeah, I just don't want to accept that because I think I'm worried that it will give me license to believe that everybody's out to get me, instead of just being like very even keeled. You know, yeah, and that's like full-fledged denial, because life is just life. And guess what? People are going to fuck you and people are going to love you, you know, and sometimes it could be the same person, and that's yeah, it's life.
Speaker 1:Let's get into some of these questions here. Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been? That's like similar to you know what I talk about when it comes to my kids or any kid. Well, they'll just tell you a lie that you can't prove or disprove. But it's highly unlikely. And since you can't disprove it, if you tell them you don't believe them. They get offended and you're calling them a liar. I haven't really done that. I've been.
Speaker 1:Now that I'm working on this, you know, because my wife is, you know, also, like I said, she's a big part of my life, obviously, but she's helping me through this because it's like you know, do you have to behave this way in this situation? And then, right away, I look, I, you know, I feel I don't like anybody asking me any questions. That's number one. I don't know the difference between not, I don't say not always, but many times. My disease, which is the lower form of myself, does not understand the difference between somebody asking me questions and somebody questioning me. You know what I'm saying. That's the the problem. So when she asked me questions like yo, why are you doing an example would be like with you know, at work, why are we paying this guy this way?
Speaker 1:When he only worked this amount of hours or whatever, I was like well, it doesn't always right away, it doesn't always work out like that. You know, if my guys, if they're done with their work, they can fucking go home. That's the deal, they can go home. So if the guy is done at three, he goes home at three. If he's done, nobody works past four. You know it's. You know I learned, yeah, nobody works past four except for me. So if the guy's done at four, then at least he'll be home by five and is able to you know, number one beat a little bit of rush hour traffic, have some time with their family, whatever. But she's like yo, like you know. If this guy's getting paid hourly and then some days he's only working three hours, I'm like, yeah, but in those three hours, what is he doing? Those three hours? He's saving me eight hours. He's saving me eight hours, you know. So it's worth paying the guy for the full day versus saying you only work three hours instead of just like I would instinctively search for reasons to justify any of my behaviors. It doesn't matter what they are and they wouldn't always be true, but it would be something that, like, somebody else couldn't argue with.
Speaker 1:Okay, next question have I compulsively acted on an obsession and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times? I haven't really been like that I, you know. I've been like that in other times in my life, you know, but not right now. An obsession is like more than a thought. An obsession is an obsession and I don't really. I don't have a lot of those, to be honest. Yeah, I don't. Okay, have I blamed other people for my behavior? Not wholly, but I like to delegate. I you can call a blame if I delegate accountability.
Speaker 1:This guy's getting, uh, driving around the vehicles using as an example. Oh, my kid, they didn't do anything completely wrong, but, but I just got them a car and the car was in their possession one day and they got into a fender bend, they crashed the car and, yeah, they crashed the car and I told them never to make a turn. In the spot where they made that turn, I said this is a very tough turn to make. Don't make this turn. I make this turn, but don't make this turn. So, yeah, so they crashed the car and then, whatever, I had to pay a bunch of money to get it fixed, and you know. So they crashed the car and then, whatever, I had to pay a bunch of money to get it fixed and you know, the blame rightfully belonged over there, you know. So that's like a good place to do it, because I was like, listen, I told you never to do what you did and you did it. So for that this is what the penalty is, you know, versus.
Speaker 1:You know a situation where you know I choose to get mad at somebody. Yeah Well, I choose to get mad at somebody, even though really it's my fault. You know, Like I set up the parameters for my company and then I let things slide that I shouldn't let slide, and then I let things slide that I shouldn't let slide, and then I get mad at them when they're just being human, like hey, you give somebody a little bit of latitude, it's very rare that they won't take it. You know, then I blame them, like it's some moral deficiency. You know, how dare they do this, how dare they do that when? What's the truth? I didn't want to have these tough conversations. When the infractions first began, whether it's people that I work with, whether it's my dad and my mom or anybody else, I was scared to confront it then, and then it turned into something else and now I'm just looking for somebody to blame, when the reality is is that I didn't have enough faith that if I confronted the situation head on that it would be okay. And I'm learning that.
Speaker 1:You know, with my middle kid, same thing I told my wife yesterday. I was very surprised, like. My wife was like I don't know. She was just feeling sad. One day she was just feeling blue, which is fine, not every. You know what I'm saying. Not every day is what a rock. You say not every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows. What a rock he said Not every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows.
Speaker 1:So I sent a group message to the kids and said listen, mommy's feeling a little bit low today. Can you guys make sure you're around? You know my little one who's like everything. You know they're like yeah, as soon as I'm done with class, I'm going to go straight home. The other one doesn't even, just goes about their business, goes to hang out with their girlfriend or whoever. This girl they're playing footsie with is for the whole weekend, right, and then comes back Sunday, whatever, which is fine. I was like oh, so you just forget about the bat signal that I sent, no problem.
Speaker 1:Then they sent me a message yesterday because you know, again, I let people believe their own delusion sometimes, because I know what it's like to be delusional. So they're going for top surgery in like January, right, they're asking me now hey, can you take care of me at night after my surgery is January 15th and I'm like, dude, you are like, let me see. September, october, november, december, january. You are like five months away from this surgery, but you're so, matter of fact, excited that you're asking me if I can take care of you the week after you know. They're like yeah, mommy can take care of you. The week after you know. They're like yeah, mommy can take care of me during the day, but at night I need somebody around. They say she's giving me the whole rundown.
Speaker 1:I'm like Bitch, I've been Number one. I've been a dad a long time, number two. I've been with people who had surgeries Like I know, break it down to me, but I just let it rock. And I made a joke. I was like, yeah, what? Like wipe your butt? And they were like no, but I shouldn't lift anything heavy. And I said, okay, I said, but, by the way, just to be fair, I asked you for something to help out when it came to your mom and you fucking didn't do it. You decided to hang out with your homegirl for the whole weekend. So, just so you know that that's a fucked up thing to do and that we should take precedent over anybody or anything else, the people who take care of you, because look who you're asking to take care of you.
Speaker 1:Now I could have just been like, yo, why don't you call that girl to take care of you? Which is something like maybe my parents would have said or my dad, not my mom, my mom would always take care of me, but like, yeah, my dad would be like, oh, you're fucked up, friends, how come where they at now, why don't you call one of them? You know, and I explained them to them, that I explained that to them, that they were extremely selfish, and then whatever, and they just said okay, I understand. It was shocking where, like at another point, like I almost didn't even want to send that text to them to confront them because I was worried about the backlash that's going to come they're going to send me a five-page text so they're not going to say anything. Then they're going to go to their mom and be like look at at what fucking this guy said. And blah, blah, blah. What is he keeping score? Is this like a? And I'm like no, this is how life works. It's relationships. It can't be one way street, and I'm learning how to practice that in every other area of my life, you know. Okay, next question Sorry, I went on the little little rant there.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if that was answering the question. Have I compared my addiction with others? Addiction? Is my addiction bad enough if I don't compare it to anybody else's? Yeah, my pain is my pain, that's my pain. My pain is my pain. Your pain is your pain. I don't. I'd be grateful that I have my shit and not your shit.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, even when, like I said when I was talking about the testosterone, the tea, like, I have a friend of mine that he went on it and it turned him into like a super, like horn dog or whatever, and he happens to, aside from, uh, alcohol, drugs, whatever, he has a an issue with women. You know that gratification, that that you know somebody touches you and then you matter, even if you had to pay them to do it. You know I mean, and um, so he, he went on it for a little while and then he called the doctor and he went off and he was like, listen, this stuff is very helpful, but it's not for me, because it it it turns on some part of me that I don't want to be turned on and I respected that. But I also said I don't have that problem, not the way that he has it. Yeah, I just don't.
Speaker 1:I love my my life. I love my wife wife life. I love my wife, yes, but I love my wife Like I don't want any fucking problems. There's nothing that some other person could ever offer me that would be worth the devastation that I would lay at my woman's feet and I'd be the one crying there talking about I'm sorry tomorrow and she would be devastated and crushed. Yeah, there's nothing that's worth that. I don't ever want to feel that kind of that regret that I did something. I've motherfucker that regret that I did something. Motherfucker, I barely dodged a couple of those bullets already. So I'm like yo, no way she's going to be crying or being upset. It ain't going to be because of that or because of me. That ain't it, you know. That's why when she decides to go through my stuff, I don't fucking mind. I don't even feel violated. I do for like maybe 30 seconds and I'm like yo, whatever.
Speaker 1:She asked me today. She's like why are you taking cabs from Bath Avenue, which is where I live, and Benson Hoist, gravesend, bath Beach? She's like, why are you taking them from there, not from the crib or whatever she's like. It's been on my mind for three days. First thing I say is like dude, you are fucking in my mind. I'm like, oh man, well, I know what it's like to have a thought and have that thought stick in the hopper for three days, especially a fucking negative one. Those are the only ones that stay. The positive ones I either think are not true or they're fleet.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I was like I take the cab from Bath Avenue because I go around the corner to the store because I live near. You know, I live within one block of one, two, three, four 24 hour stores, bodegas, whatever, so I'm never too far away from getting what I need. So I go in the morning, I get like an energy drink or get something, and then I'll take a cab from there on those days that I need to take them. And that's the truth and that's nice, you know. But yeah, I compared my addiction to somebody else's the other day. Because of that I was like, yeah, it's like I don't have that problem, I have other problems, I don't have that one, you know.
Speaker 1:Okay, and my next question am I comparing my current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better? Eh, not so much. I do it's. Yeah, this is the difference between denial and, again, delusion. I should know better, but there's things that I do know better and I still don't fucking do it. There's like a brick wall in front of me, being responsible in different areas of my life. You know, I could always be more responsible financially, a hundred percent, that's.
Speaker 1:The first thing that comes up is financial responsibility, and my wife brought that out too, because she's like yo listen, it's not just you with this blind spot, she's like every dollar that I miss spend, I'm hurting this house and we're not in any pain in any way. We're always going to be in a little bit of discomfort, but we're not in any pain. So, yeah, I know what it's like to be impulsive in those ways, you know and it's not that I should have known better, I know better. How many times do I have to learn the same lesson? Next question have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand? Yes, this I know. That's.
Speaker 1:The problem is that I know, I know what to do and I know how to do. But doing and knowing is not the same thing, and that's where God comes in for me, where higher power comes in, where being brave comes in, and I'm not brave in every area of my life. Okay, next question Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I'll be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think? I'm not avoiding action as much as I was again with confronting people in my life, to be more fair to myself, instead of overextending myself. So yeah, I'm not avoiding taking action, but it's very slow and it's tough, and it can't be like new year, but it's like it's very slow and it's tough, and you know it can't be like new year, new me bitches, and then just start spraying the whole fucking corner. But it's like one instance at a time.
Speaker 1:I'm learning, like, how to say no. That's a big deal, learning how to say no, you know, and that's like the stuff that I'm working on, like how do I say no? And it's not even saying no to them, it's saying yes to myself. You know what I mean? Damn, I'm just skipping ahead here a little bit, but this is like a lot of stuff. Yeah, this is good. Yeah, so denial, this is where we're going to end off today.
Speaker 1:You know, it's sometimes like they say, like ignorance is bliss, because when there's ignorance, when you don't know, you can claim that you don't know and that's like a good, beautiful place to live. But when you know, and it's like a good, beautiful place to live, but when you know, and it's like you know, you know, two plus two is four, but you're mad about it, man, and then now you have to do something, you have to be something, you have to be better, to be better like you, like I can't wake up and be like I. I didn't know that eating like shit was gonna affect my mental well-being. All the chemicals and sugars and the highs and lows and the crashing from all that stuff, like I can't make pretend that I don't know. You know, I mean and that's the tough part, because you know, when I ring that bell, it's like fuck it, like anything else. Those are the only bells that I really have is the food bell, not so much the porn bell, but um, yeah, yeah, the food bell, the food bell, and making a list and then completing everything on the list.
Speaker 1:You know all the constructive things. That's important and it's grueling because all of it is like self-care and self-love and I could run away from myself by helping other people and overextending myself to other people, and that's what my wife is talking about that hero syndrome, you know. But heroes don't get mad at the people they're trying to help. So there's that Like and subscribe on all podcast platforms. Don't forget to share these episodes with your friends and family. Um, I love you guys and, uh, we'll see you next week. Peace.