The Sober Experience

Navigating Loss, Connection, and Recovery in the Journey to Inner Strength

• Jay Luis

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Have you ever felt the weight of loneliness or the sting of despair? On this episode of the Sober Experience, we navigate through the emotional labyrinth of loss and connection. Beginning with a heartfelt tribute to Father's Day and a nod to The Stooges, I share some deeply personal stories, including my sister's funeral how these moments highlight the impact of being present for others during their toughest times. 

Shifting gears, we discuss the complex world of parenting and recovery. Tackling the profound struggles of dealing with stepchildren in recovery, I share a deeply moving story about a woman grappling with her stepdaughter's addiction. We dive into the complex emotions and judgments that arise within families, touching on the prevalence of sexual assault among women and the vital importance of gratitude for progress in recovery. This conversation underscores the readiness to offer unwavering support without judgment when our loved ones are ready to make a change.

The episode concludes with a reflection on finding healing and inner strength. Emphasizing the importance of being open to guidance and support, I reflect on my personal experiences with AA, the powerful role of meetings, and the instinctive turn to prayer in desperate moments. We explore the themes of gratitude, hope, and inner peace, and take a light-hearted turn as I humorously share my recent indulgence in overeating. Wrapping up, I encourage listeners to stay tuned for more episodes and our new YouTube channel, promising more insights, laughter, and heartfelt stories ahead.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the Sober Experience, formerly known as the Spiritual Experience, where we share stories of overcoming problematic situations in life through triumph and working together, as well as recovery topics and all other forms of spirituality, self-help and the like. I'm your host, jay Lewis, and here we go. Hey, what's up everybody? Welcome back, sober Experience. Hope you guys had a great Father's Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mine was pretty good.

Speaker 1:

Let's start this episode off with a little bit more music. This is the Stooges. I love this record. It came on the other day when I was in Abacadabra Getting my costume and everything ready for the Mermaid Parade. So I was like, oh man, that's a fucking dope ass song. Yeah, so now it's like my shit. Here we go. This is a great way to start the show. Classic, classic. Yeah, I don't know, I don't think I can play the whole thing Because, yeah, fucking YouTube, you know they. They want you to pay for everything, which is whatever. Anyway, today is uh, today's the uh 17th. Now I want to be your dog, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, today's the 17th day after Father's Day day, after my dad's birthday. Oddly enough, today is the day that you know I think six years ago that we had a funeral for my older sister who passed away and, yeah, that was an emotional day, man. There was a lot of people who showed up that you know, when you're going through stuff, man, you don't even know who's going to show up for you. And then, while the shit's going on, people are showing up and you're like, oh my God, thank you for being here. You know, I didn't even know you was coming, but I'm glad you're here and I think that's part of the best part of life, you know, when you get to do that for other people, without all the fanfare and without all the whatever.

Speaker 1:

My mom has a very good friend. Her name is Dora, and she lost. She lost like an aunt or something, this week or this past week and I didn't know when the when the wake or when whatever was, I didn't know. So, wake or when whatever was, I didn't know. So my mom called me when she was going there and I would have went, just because this lady is like a good friend to my mom. You know, in the strength of being a good friend to my mom, I probably would have maybe tried to show up. I love the lady's husband. He's alive. That's my boy, dr David, he's the man. Yeah, so, but I didn't, but anyway. So what did I do? I, um, I just gave her a call.

Speaker 1:

A couple days later, everything settles down. Give her a call, tell her I love her. I'm sorry that, uh, she lost somebody. I know what that's like. That shit's for the fucking birds. You know in in in that way, you know, yeah, it's sad. It's sad because I, because I miss, I miss my sister man, I miss having her around. You know, it's like, it's almost like you know the enemy, right or whatever. It's not an enemy. She wasn't an enemy. You're running an enemy. No, she wasn't an enemy, but it's just like. You know, it's a loss, it's a separation and that's how those things go anyway.

Speaker 1:

So what I figured I'd do today was read one of these I like daily reflections and maybe yap about it for a couple of minutes and then move onorg, maybe try and hit a, hit a meeting on the way home. Daily reflections, oh, by the way, um, also on this day in 1997, cnn, aka Capone and Noriega, dropped the war report, which was incredible. It was incredible then and it was incredible in hindsight. Live on, live strong. I think that was the. Yeah, that was the. That was one of the records. I loved that, of course. And Blood Money, new York. Get the blood money 30 cash, anyway. To go from the street to the spiritual, here we go. Daily Recovery Readings, daily Reflections, june 17th Deep down within us we found the great reality.

Speaker 1:

Deep down within us. In the last analysis, it is only there that he may be found. Search diligently within yourself. With this attitude, you cannot fail. The consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you. Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55.

Speaker 1:

All right, it was out of the depths of loneliness, depression and despair that I sought the help of AA. We're going to start right there. The loneliness, depression and despair. You know, you don't have to be an alcoholic to be living like that, yeah, and you don't need to be by yourself to be lonely. You know, I come across people all the time who are just going through. They're just going through it, enduring, just trudging along by themselves. Or they, they, you know, by themselves Meaning like in their Mind, in their spirit, in their soul or whatever. They haven't found that connection.

Speaker 1:

You know, I had an experience like that the other day. I was going to pick up a rug From this lady, right and whatever. Get upstairs and she got moving boxes, all kind of stuff going on. I'm like, okay. She's like, yeah, this rug pa-pa-pa-pa-ti-pa-pa. It's like, all right, I take it. It's whatever regular. You know Benny O'Reilly Moroccan rug that's nicely soiled and she's blaming it on the husband. Whatever, you know, neglect is neglect. It don't matter for me. I understand and I identify with that. So I see, like the moving boxes everywhere and I was like what's going on. She's like, yeah, I'm trying to get rid of this stuff Out of this room. So I go over there and I look Because, like you know, my boy Liam Is on like a treasure hunt To furnish his house from the motherfucking goodwill right that he bought out there at the end of the, at the end of the world, in Riverhead, you know, long Island.

Speaker 1:

So I go and I'm looking. I'm like he ain't gonna need no bunk beds, whatever. She was like, yeah, it's my stepdaughter's room. I was like, oh, that's cool, where's she at? And the lady looked right at me and she goes, she's in rehab. Oddly enough, she's in rehab. I was like, oh shit, you know. And I and I was just like okay. I was like good for her. She's like, yeah, but this is not her first time. I said maybe. And then I was like look, maybe, um, it could be her last. We don't know, you know. And then I told you know, I don't mind breaking my anonymity for any, to anybody or for anybody, but I did. I said listen, I'm fucking almost 21 years sober, you know. So she could change her life. She can't change it in the street or she's very hard to start there, but it's it.

Speaker 1:

But you know, if you are in that place what they say the depths of loneliness, depression and despair then maybe you'd be willing to take a little bit of advice and that's a deal, you know. Like, how far down do you have to go in some area of your life? It doesn't have to be again, it doesn't have to be alcohol and drug related, like the area that you know that's causing you. I'm not going to say it's causing unhappiness, because I don't know, but it's very likely that it's standing in the way of your happiness. And you don't need somebody to tell you what it is, because if you dig inside of you, you know what it is. The hard part is being able to face it, and for us people in recovery, we cannot face it alone. You know, it says in how it works Without help. It is too much for us, that's all you need to know. It's too much for anybody.

Speaker 1:

So this lady, she's like, you know, I'm opening up a little bit, she's opening up a little bit, it's very cool, um, yeah and um, you know, I just go through the thing with her and I just she's not, she don't have anybody. So she's just there, she, and it's her stepkid, which I a hundred percent identify with because I also have step kids. And it's funny because I happen to be the theme that week, because the same like the, the day or two the day before, I was over at 12th street workshop and this lady who was sharing from the podium was talking about her stepson. This motherfucker's in his 30s and he is not self-supporting through his own contributions and she is having, like she's going through changes over it, you know, and I was like, oh my God, I identify. You know, if one of my kids stayed in the crib till 30 not doing shit, dude, you know, and it's a step kid, because that's the difference If it's your own kid, you can throw your own kid out on the street, you know, but a step kid, you can't man, you just got to take those lashes. It's like how do you manipulate them in a way that's beneficial to them, because they're unwilling to just take know the information you know, written on a letter, put through a mail slot so they can fucking read, because they, they don't want to take any direction from an adult, much less somebody who's not technically their parent. And if they were their parent, I don't even know if it would make any difference, and that's the thing.

Speaker 1:

So this lady's, like you know she's talking about her kid, the stepkid that's in rehab, and I was telling her. I was like they're like, she's like, yeah, like the other family, she went to go stay. The kid went, the kid wore out the welcome in New York, I guess, and went to go stay with some family members and wherever they were at. And then the family members who were talking shit to the lady and her husband about like oh, you know why you keep sending her to treatment. I think she's okay, she doesn't have a problem and he's like all right, then she'll come stay with you.

Speaker 1:

And within a few months, the fucking girls in the fucking, you know, in the padded room, and this lady's like yo, I fucking told you. Meanwhile you're over here judging me from the cheap seats when I'm in the motherfucking octagon. You know battling with this girl and it's tough, and we were talking about the drug game and all that other. I'm like dude, you know, she can, this girl, she could be taking drugs in the street. She can get some fentanyl, she can. She can lose her consciousness and wake up to some very bad things happening. Which dude? I dude, I've yet to meet a woman, sober or not, in my adult life.

Speaker 1:

Adult meaning, like I don't know. Maybe it started becoming more prevalent my late 20s when I was like dating, I'd say 25, 27, every girl that I met or that I knew had been sexually assaulted in one way or another, whether it was the full-blown, you know R word or if it's just unwanted touching or grabbing or whatever or like yeah. So you know there are creeps who look for young girls to do that to, you know. So I'm saying that to the lady to say none of that's happening right now. So we need to be grateful because she's in a place where she's getting help and the lady's like I think she might be willing now because she's 19 years old and so she could sign herself out and she hasn't yet. It's like, oh, maybe the message is coming, you know.

Speaker 1:

And then I just gave her my own experience, that I learned, especially when it comes to raising kids, which is like, you know, my job is not. You know, I always say my job is not. You know, I always say my job is not to tell them who to be, it's to tell them how to be. That's number one, um, and number two is just to prepare myself, from when they're for when they're ready to make some changes in their life, that I could be available to them without any, uh, without any outward judgment, even though inside I'm gonna be like motherfucker, I fucking told you two years ago, well, but like, of course I'm. You know what I'm saying. I'm gonna think that, but I'm not gonna behave that way and I'm definitely not gonna say that to them, you know.

Speaker 1:

Except the only thing I can say is like okay, how many things have you been wrong about in your whole life? You know, completely wrong about that. You just learned as you got older, and they'll say a lot. They'll say okay, so what do you think you're wrong about that? You just learned as you got older and they'll say a lot. They'll say okay, so what do you think? You're right about everything, now, you know. Is that what you're saying? That you're magically right about everything? Now you know?

Speaker 1:

I put this on the computer the other day. I said there are people in your life who are giving you the plays right now, as we speak, and you are ignoring them as we speak and you are ignoring them, you know. Yeah, yeah. So it was nice to have that interaction with that lady. I gave her some hope. I almost wanted to give her a hug on the way out. I didn't want to get too crazy. You know, maybe on the way when I come back I drop the rug, I see how she's doing. I texted her because she was saying her husband has gone to meetings in the past but doesn't go now and doesn't really drink or whatever. And I was like, dude, he can come. I said give him my number, he can call me, text me whenever he wants. He can come to a meeting. There's even meetings for sober dads, which is not an easy job to have as being a sober dad. All right, let me keep reading.

Speaker 1:

I sought the help of aa and recovered. Oh, as I recovered and began to face the emptiness and ruin of my life, I began to open myself to the possibility of healing that recovery offers through the aa program. That's true, you know, nobody's nobody's coming in here on like a winning streak, you know, I mean I was winning in areas that I thought I was winning but in reality I was just like almost like the losses were piling up. And it says by going to meetings, staying sober, taking the steps, very important, I had the opportunity to listen with increasing attentiveness to the depths of my soul. The opportunity to listen only really and this is me talking now the opportunity to listen only really, you know, makes itself present the more open you are to suggestion.

Speaker 1:

And is it possible that you don't have all the information? And it has to be okay with you that you don't know everything. It has to be okay with you, you know, I'm happy. I don't know everything. I'm very stupid. That's why I'm very happy, you know. I mean I believe I have some form of intelligence in a lot of other ways, but I'm also very. Yeah, you know, I've seen plenty of people the cliche. I've seen plenty of people too smart to get sober and too smart to be happy Dog, you got to be happy man. That's the whole thing. You know, that's the whole thing. Know, that's the whole thing. So I'm gonna keep going daily.

Speaker 1:

I waited which means it doesn't happen right away in hope and gratitude for that sure belief and steadfast love I had longed for in my life, longed for in my life, you know. Yeah, that love that says everything is not everything is going to be okay, but everything is already okay. It's already okay. You know, I met my God as I understood him, my higher power, my God. The most rebellious thing you can do on this earth is have your own god. You know, for people who don't like god, so you can literally have your own, you can make your own, you can do whatever you want. That's like, that's how you know. How crazy is that?

Speaker 1:

And I also believe that people have this innate belief in God that it's in there. You know it doesn't matter what it is, but it's in there. And I think that's because you know. I think it's because it's like dude, you know, especially for people like us. Like us, if you have had very tough times in your life where life has been whipping you or you have been whipping yourself, there has to be.

Speaker 1:

I believe, at one point where you prayed to something like instinctively that you're like, oh God, please help me. You know, not in some dramatic way, but even that kind of passing thought leads me to believe that you believe. And when somebody's really honest with themselves I've yet to encounter somebody who has not had those thoughts and those feelings Imagine when you're like a kid and you drink too much for the first time or whatever, dear god, you know, and you're like puking on the toilet, the, the god of the toilet bowl, right, dear god, please, if you get, if you just let this stop, I promise I'll never do it again. Who are you making these promises to? Who are you asking to make it stop, you know, but then as soon as it stops, you're like yeah, no, no, no, no, I got it, bo, I'm good, don't worry, you go back to the kids in Africa, I'm gonna handle fucking Bensonhurst, you know, yeah, it's like a very we can't make. Pretend that that doesn't happen, you know.

Speaker 1:

But you know I found a loving God in my life. I don't even know if he was always there. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't, it don't matter. Fucker is here. Now he is, he's here. He's great.

Speaker 1:

He challenges me in all these different ways. He challenges me by putting challenging people in my path and he's like all right, let's see what you're going to do. Am I your boy when shit is going right or when shit is going wrong? Like, am I your boy then? Yeah, of course, but what about regular shmegular stuff? You know where you have to be brave. You know you have to be brave. You got to have these conversations with yourself and, shit, man, I got to face this thing, whatever it is. You know I have to face it. It sucks, but then it's never as bad as I think, or if it is as bad as I think, at least I'm facing it and it's going to be over soon.

Speaker 1:

You know, and that was like a theme in this other speaker that I heard, where he says like know, there comes a time in your life where not only is there a fork in the road, but you know, yeah, there's, there's a fire chasing you to the fork in the road, and the fire is you, that voice that's inside you to say listen, man, you've been avoiding this decision for so long, knowing with your intuition that this is a fire that has been burning for way too long, you know, not just at your expense but at the other person's expense or whatever. So this guy was talking about that. Um, you know, to make a decision when you either have a painful ending or endless pain, right, and I felt that Gatorade Zero, apple Burst pretty good, it's the green shit. I thought it was like old school ecto cooler that my parents would never buy. You know, they were like haters in my mind. I'm like bro, they never wanted me to be happy. I just wanted ecto cooler, a megatron fucking toy and uh, yeah, maybe just those two. I would have been okay, you know, meanwhile I didn't get any of that stuff, but I'm sure it was way poison. Mind you, my family still puts 10 pounds of adobo on everything, including myself. I do the same thing. I put adobo even in frigging hot dogs on the grill. People are like, oh dude, you make them so good. I'm like, yeah, there's a lot of poison in there. So a painful ending versus endless pain, and sometimes we just get used to that, get used to just living in that cycle In recovery.

Speaker 1:

They call it the vicious cycle. That's like a dude, that's like you know how can you put two worse words together to make a point vicious, which is what it is, it's fucking vicious. And it's a cycle, which means it's not gonna stop. It's going round and around and it's vicious, jesus you know. And it starts and ends with me. That's the thing.

Speaker 1:

If it's a cycle, it starts and ends with me and, um, I can't do it all on my own. I can't do. I'd rather not do any of it on my own. That's the problem. But a lot of it I have to do by myself, but not on my own. I have all of you. I have a community of people. I have established and built a relationship with my God for a long time and it keeps getting stronger and stronger.

Speaker 1:

So when you guys are not around, I'm okay and I can handle the humility necessary in order to live life effectively, which means that I don't know everything, which means that I don't have everything, which means that I don't want everything. It's so nice to not be a slave to those wants. You know that's what's so nice to not be a slave to them. You know the my wants were just. You know they were strangling me, man. They were like drowning me, like waterboarding, because they were just screwed up. What I really wanted was peace, mental and emotional peace, which I've found and I'm sure there's other ways can only be earned with the painful endings. You know the painful endings. It was painful for my sister to go, man, but I promise I was happy it was over. You know, I was just happy the war was over.

Speaker 1:

She was too smart for her own good. Now she's up there with the big guy Listening to me, watching me. You know, yeah, I still miss her. I've been driving around with her license plate on my car for six years, bro. Even the letters have worn off. I gotta have my, my daughter, if she still identifies as that. Fucking paint them on, you know, and I would love, for as long as I can, to just ride with them around and she'll be with me. She's with me. I listen to a lot, you know, when I want to connect with her I put on like 80s music. She loved that stuff and just reminded me when we were kids. You know my mom, I think, lost a kid, so I don't know.

Speaker 1:

You know my dad, yeah, he's a difficult person, so who knows what he's thinking. You know, a lot of times I try to avoid those conversations with him because all he does. He, my dad, is not willing to. There's no humility with him. He know he knows everything and he did everything. And it's funny, you know it's funny because he says stuff and I'm like you know, bro, maybe you were somewhere else, but I was there when you were there and you didn't say that and you did not do that. You know you did not. So it's either he's never wrong or he like way over apologizes, as annoying as that can be to people who know that kind of behavior. You know, but I'm at peace. I'm not really I have to work on my peace when I'm around him.

Speaker 1:

When I showed up yesterday, uh, to swim and to cause it was again, it was his birthday, most other stuff. You know. He comes to me right as soon as I roll up there he comes to me and he's like he hands me three bathing suits that I keep in my mom's house so that way if I'm just chilling and I want to go see my mom, surprise her for a swim or whatever, I don't have to fucking carry a bathing suit with me or run by one or run. That's how that happens. So he comes to me with three. He's like here's your bathing suits and I was like, well, I only need one. What am I? You know, what am I going to do with the other two? I said I said I leave them here for when I need them.

Speaker 1:

And he got so mad. He's like fine, and he just like threw them on a chair. I was like bro, why don't you just put them back where you found them? He's like I'll do it later. And he just like walks off. I'm like bro, what the fuck is wrong with you? I said where'd you get them? Downstairs? I took them and I walked downstairs. I'm like, dude, I'm not here five minutes and your you know attitude is already showing up. You're not getting one. He's like a baby. Throws him in a chair in the kitchen, just throws him on the chair. Because what, what did you want me to say? Oh, my God, I'll take all three back and then when I come up here again in the middle of the day, if I have some time, there'll be nothing for me here and I'll just have to make another stop and buy one and leave that one here.

Speaker 1:

There are three bathing suits. You have a 2,500-square-foot house. You don't have any space. You know, it's a strange, just impulsive instinct that has gone awry, you know, and it doesn't really serve him. And I know because I get mad at him, because I recognize some of me in him, but I just be grateful I'm not him, but he brings it out of me. But I only try to use it on him, you know, because I tell him what's wrong with you, why don't you throw them on the chair? I didn't call him a baby, I should have. You know that's whatever. You know they're going through enough. Life is enough.

Speaker 1:

I don't know how you guys do it, you know, I know my way is. You know I'm having the best time. Biggest complaint in my life is this stupid, freaking sciatica, which is almost hopefully gone. You know, I'm learning how to easy does it. I'm taking all the right steps. We'll see what's gonna happen. I haven't been in the gym in a while.

Speaker 1:

I took a few days of eating like a fucking. What are the genzos called? Like a gavone, you know I've been eating like a fucking. What are the Genzos called? Like a gavone? You know I've been eating like a gavone, you know. So I got to stop that, even though I just had a whole small package. I don't know how many. How much is this way? You know they put the thing in there. Net weight 12 ounces Of pink glow pineapple.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so good. If you guys have never had it, I highly recommend it. Pink glow pineapple, it's literally pink pineapple. It's from, apparently, from Costa Rica. Vosotros and I always get it at Wegmans and it's mad, freaking good. Yeah, it's almost like a ruby red grapefruit. You know, had inappropriate butt relations with a pineapple, with a piña, you know. So, anyway, I'm going to tap out Hopefully that was helpful, and you know so, anyway, I'm gonna tap out um, hopefully that was helpful.

Speaker 1:

And you know, like and subscribe on all podcast platforms, share, uh, these episodes with your friends. We're gonna, I gotta, you know, get off my ass and get some more interviews in here. I know we were doing good for a while and then I take a hiatus and I come back because people like, oh, can I come? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, sure, fuck off. You know I don't. I don't get back to people all the time. I'm busy, but, bo, I'm busy, bo, I'm fucking busy, bo. Anyway, I love you guys. Uh, keep an eye out for our YouTube channel as well and, uh, we'll see you on the flip side. Peace.